Trusting for 225

This is a post about nothing and everything. "State of the Sisson" address, I suppose. Read at your own risk.

This seems like a long time as i write this, yet at the same tim i remember two years ago when I thought 18 months was a long time at Verity. The difference between now and then is content expectation. Verity was a countdown of 18 months till i was DONE with something. Now I am in a countdown till I can BEGIN something. Verity time was filled with school, people and activity, but these next seven and a half months have no clear defining points, which makes the wait see much more daunting.
That is not to say there aren't things I need and want to do with the time I have left. There are alot of things that I want to do, and I have to work in the mean time. I've mentioned lists of things I'd like to do before: Learn Hebrew, write more, learn to dance, shoot more. In this list I am making progress on various parts. I dance once a week with the State Swing Society, and and getting better slowly. I have been writing more, though not a whole lot. I hopefully will be going to a shooting club on wednesdays. I would like to take up skating on sunday afternoons again, aswell.
Those are just the time occupying ones. There are also things as far as self improvement that I feel I need to do before I ship out. Discipline is a big one. I liked at school, knowing when I had to be up and in bed and to chapel and classes. I like structure, but structure is not something I seem to be able to maintain on my own. When I am the enforcer of my schedule, I fail. Yes I make it to work and meetings and events on time, because such things are not dependent or or structured around me. I structure around them.
Even outside of structure I have a hard time doing things I want to do. Reading my bible is a practice that is irregular at best. I work out hardly enough, considering the standards I need to meet before I leave. Anyone who knows me knows that my diet is important to me, yet again (as with daily disciplines) when i am responsible for feeding myself and arranging my meals, health becomes much less important. I'm in decent shape, and I knwo theology well enough to be an annoyance to friends who don't understand its importance. The fact is that i want to get better ad reading, working out and eating properly, but I can't.
In Highschool and before I had regular friends. Jordan Mears, Matt Lottes, and Trey & Tison back when I was 7-8. These were all guys who were close enough to me geographically that we would end up seeing each other most days. I've always been known to my family to be a social person, and those friendships were the necessary extension of that character trait. But now I find myself in an interesting social situation. I don;t have many close friends. That is to say that after School and Israel, I found that most of my friends live out of state. This obviously precludes the idea of proximity friendship I had before. I don't know anyone i can just DO things with. I am thankful for the Gaddies; Jed, Nikki and Vikki, who have introduced me to the dace club and let me tag along to moves and such. But they have their own lives, and seeing as they are, in majority, women, not people who I can just call and say "Hey, lets go do-"
The reason I find it hard to do more dancing and skating and shooting and even learning hebrew is that I'm doing it alone. Every one of those things I got into because someone introduced me to them.  I have also written before about the reason for my social nature: I see beauty and enjoy life vicariously. I like to dance with people who like to dance. I like to skate because the people I am with make it joyful. It would be the most amazing thing to learn a new language WITH someone.
Yet, I am leaving. Were I to leave right now, There isn't much in Mid-Michigan Id miss, think about, or worry about aside from my parents (and even they agree that it is past time for me to separate). There are other people, in other parts of the country i would think about and wonder and maybe even worry about, but I can't or don't really talk to them anyways.  I can say there are a few people I'd try to keep in contact with VIA FB (but this is hard for me, as, again, I prefer (even need) face to face interaction to really experience a person, FB friendships are unfulfilling).
I watched the documentary series "Carrier", which followed the USS Nimitz on a 6 month cruise. It made me want to leave sooner. Yet, at the same time, seeing life aboard a boat and the relationships and social life, I desired one thing more. I desired attachment. This is nothing new. I would love to leave part of myself behind with someone, to know they were waiting, and who I could live for while away. The first few months of school i skated and worked out and wrote for Laura. When that faded, those habits faded.
But do i really want to attach, or even have friends just long enough to leave them? I don't see myself coming back to this area to live for any length of time. And surely I'd find friends in the Navy, as I'd have that interpersonal proximity that was the foundation for my old friendships. Would it be fair to them? Would it be fair to me?
And for all the things I wish I could do, all the people I wish I could "hang out" with, my life is not conducive to such things. My scedule after the first of the year is such: Sunday I go to church and Skate, Monday I work, Tuesday I Have DEP Ed Meetings, then I dance; Wednesday are DEP meetings and shooting; Thursday I work, Friday and saturday I either work or study at home. Do I have time? No. Am i generally easy to befriend? No.
So what is the point? I have a lot i need to figure out before I leave. Rather, I have a lot I don't know. This is all stuff that I really can't do too much about. I don't think that anyone would really say their life is any clearer than mine. No one knows what will happen in the next 225 days. That's ok. I can (and sometimes do) stress about it, and subsequently am loosing my hair.
If nothing else, in Seven months I will look back and know that I am alone and unfulfilled now because G-d wanted me to be, and at that time, whether any of this has changed or not, I will be then what G-d will want me to be.
Trusting in G-d is not easy.