| Segment I: The University of Confusion Life has thrown my yet again. I'm Starting to make sense of things.of my mistakes and my past. Starting to make sense of who I am. Starting to make my way back to being a whole person. For the past month I have been grieving the loss of a friendship, and that hasn't been making thing easier. It's been adding to a list of regrets from the past year or more. Over the past two weeks my parents and I have been struggling to register with Patrick Henry Online, meeting with hurtles and problems at almost every step of the way. Classes for PHC online start today. I had planned to Take Logic, US History, Theology, and Geometry. But, with all the problems we had in registering, and my disapointing 1.4 gpa last semester, my parents and I decided to withdraw for PHC. I let myself down again. PHC for me was a dream school, the places i really felt i wanted to be and was supposed to be. It hurt alot when I failed last semester, and since then i havent had the will to go back, so in that way withdrawing is a good thing. Regardless, it does add alot onto the pile of emotional pain I've been feeling recently. "...a college career with a painful failed attempt at a level of excellence he had never in his life achieved. The will, goal and dream to change the world, which until now had been driven by school, faced before him as he faced his status as 'failure'" It's depressing, especially when I read the posted scedules of all of the peopel around me who are coung to school, knowing i wont be with the, I'm Not sure what happens now. Im going to look into applying to Hillsdale for the Spring Semester. Unfortunately Hillsdale has no Distance Learning Option, so if i do decide to go there, it would mean on campus. Im not sure about that. It would mean moving to Hillsdale, which is prefferable to Virginia, i suppose. So A form of a choice is before me. I have the semester off, as its too late to apply anywhere But As for next semsester, i have no clue. Should i go to Hillsdale, provided I'm accepted? Perhaps it woudl help me with my other problem if i were away for a time, but i dont know. I would apreciate comments. Segment II: A Fictional Narative: Black and White Rainbow How could he be so happy? Of course things werent easy in the outside world, but could somehting like this really make him forget all of this pain? Not something. Someone. This wasn't a love story, or at least it shoudlt have been. But this person he was looking at now. She made him happy. This was his sister. The sister he had not known he had until only a short time ago. They had danced together and laughed together and shared everyting since they had fond each other, and this was not a love story. Or at least it shouldnt have been. She was the person behind him who undertsood when he talked while other didnt. The supportive friend. It felt odd to be protected by someone. It had been so long since anyone had protected him. She was even protecting him from himself. The perfect older sister. So happy he didnt notice that she wasn't as strong as he had thought. She needed protecting. But like an idiot he didnt see that. There it was, in the moment when he was most happy, a look of pain etched across her face. He even asked her about it, but didnt think about that which he had asked. She wantd to cry but no tears would come. She was pretecting him, but he was hurting her. This was not a love story, but she cared enough for him to protect him even though it hurt her. It only came to him after it was to late to rectify, when at last he understood what he had done. the pain on her face, now the only thing he could see, would never be replaced with that smiling face again. This was not a love story. He had seen a rainbow, but she was seeing black and white. Segment III I tried to be perfect, It just wasn't worth it, Nothing could ever be so wrong. It’s hard to believe me, It never gets easy, I guess I knew that all along. If you believe it’s in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know, Just to see if it would show, That I'm trying to let you know, That I’m better off on my own. |
Monday, August 25, 2008
Peices
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Waking dreams broken
Dreams have played a significant role in my life the past few months. They Change and stay the same. the Night Dreams are becoming more and more clear, while the daydreams and goals seem to get more and more obscured. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do anymore. I used to find Joy in things that i thought were leading me down one path. That path is still the only one i have, so i walk it, but i walk it alone, and without the joy I had when I was younger.
Many people I talk to don't understand what my dreams (of sleep) are. I sleep very little these days. When i do sleep, i have remnants of older dreams, but commonly i dream of two people. Two very clear and definable people.. very clear faces. For a while i believed this pair, a guy my age and a girl a little older, were real. That idea was shattered when, at SSI, the girl changed a little to look a bit more like someone i acutally do know. That is what makes this unusual. I dotn know these two. And in my waking hours their faces and sweet voiced echo in my head. The Girls name i know, Alyssa. The Boy isnt as clear to me in voice or name, but he is there.
ALYSSA
It id very unnerving to me that these are the only faces i want to see anymore, those faces of fiction my mind has created, yet which are so clear to me. I have been having a problem with people lately, moreso than ever before. I just cant Stand human contact for a reason that is yet to be understood fully by me. The past few weeks have made that easier, as My workload has changed, at home and at SSI. I have a few new task assignments at the ofice now: Capturing all the video from the Summer program, comiling htem into single files and preparing them on DVD's to sell, Listening through audio recordings of teaching sessions and preparing them to sell, and organizing and heading up the 0809 Ambassador League. The amount of time that goes itno making a single DVD and editing the audio for CD's makes brining my work home easy, and at the office its easy enought o hide in my corner and work all day without more than occasional updates to Jeff and James.
I know there are people around me who understand what i feel and think. They feel it themselves. the problem lies in that exact pnt. anyone who can really understand me is going through somehting just as bad and therefore has no solution. This bitter, hollow feeling is a learned trait, i understand, but it doesnt seem like somehting I can unlearn. For years now my life has been spinning, never setling, throwing me changes and wild cards, offering me choices, in which i always choose wrong. I have epxlained many facets of my agner desparation, fear and epression, from reasoning to rule, in privious entries, and it always seems hard to gather all teh scattered peices of my reason together into one post.
While there are people who understand, i still feel alone and helpless. Only in my head do i believe that God has not abandoned me. My heart is so open, waiting forsomeone.
My Heart is open to other But Closed to myself. Even as i write it all pors from my mind, and no feeling is in my words anymore, spoke or written. Its hard to know what I want to say beacuse no words will catch any emotion in me. i have to search, thinking hard to try and explain what i want to say.
There is a Song that puts it well:
"Broken Peices of the man i used ot be are all thats left of who I am; A shattered mass of all my countless broken Dreams, Wonder where i go from here?"
Many people I talk to don't understand what my dreams (of sleep) are. I sleep very little these days. When i do sleep, i have remnants of older dreams, but commonly i dream of two people. Two very clear and definable people.. very clear faces. For a while i believed this pair, a guy my age and a girl a little older, were real. That idea was shattered when, at SSI, the girl changed a little to look a bit more like someone i acutally do know. That is what makes this unusual. I dotn know these two. And in my waking hours their faces and sweet voiced echo in my head. The Girls name i know, Alyssa. The Boy isnt as clear to me in voice or name, but he is there.
ALYSSA
It id very unnerving to me that these are the only faces i want to see anymore, those faces of fiction my mind has created, yet which are so clear to me. I have been having a problem with people lately, moreso than ever before. I just cant Stand human contact for a reason that is yet to be understood fully by me. The past few weeks have made that easier, as My workload has changed, at home and at SSI. I have a few new task assignments at the ofice now: Capturing all the video from the Summer program, comiling htem into single files and preparing them on DVD's to sell, Listening through audio recordings of teaching sessions and preparing them to sell, and organizing and heading up the 0809 Ambassador League. The amount of time that goes itno making a single DVD and editing the audio for CD's makes brining my work home easy, and at the office its easy enought o hide in my corner and work all day without more than occasional updates to Jeff and James.
I know there are people around me who understand what i feel and think. They feel it themselves. the problem lies in that exact pnt. anyone who can really understand me is going through somehting just as bad and therefore has no solution. This bitter, hollow feeling is a learned trait, i understand, but it doesnt seem like somehting I can unlearn. For years now my life has been spinning, never setling, throwing me changes and wild cards, offering me choices, in which i always choose wrong. I have epxlained many facets of my agner desparation, fear and epression, from reasoning to rule, in privious entries, and it always seems hard to gather all teh scattered peices of my reason together into one post.
While there are people who understand, i still feel alone and helpless. Only in my head do i believe that God has not abandoned me. My heart is so open, waiting forsomeone.
My Heart is open to other But Closed to myself. Even as i write it all pors from my mind, and no feeling is in my words anymore, spoke or written. Its hard to know what I want to say beacuse no words will catch any emotion in me. i have to search, thinking hard to try and explain what i want to say.
There is a Song that puts it well:
"Broken Peices of the man i used ot be are all thats left of who I am; A shattered mass of all my countless broken Dreams, Wonder where i go from here?"
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