Things I have named... Some of them at least.

In no order:

Bouncles- My bed

Nrogara - My Barahir Ring (read the name backwards)

Dink- Another bent up sterling silver ring

Promise- My titanium Wedding band

Shema- The ring with Deut. 6:4 in hebrew I got in Israel

Rebecca - Anyone who knows me knows who this is

Ember: My Firebird

Kisch- My old camera

Spark - My old Camcorder

Hunter - My Nodachi

Rayne - My Red-blade Katana

Icicle - A knife

Wolf - Another Knife

Voyager- Another Knife

Urban - My Ka-Bar (another knife)

Dumdum - My first cell phone

Phage - My Second Cell Phone

Flick- My third Cell phone

Tletc - My current cell phone

Zephyr - My Itouch

Lil’Pod - My Shuffle

Pixel - My DSLR

Wolvie - My leather Jacket

Harkness - My trench coat

Target - My Glock

Heavyarms- My Sig

Haus - My Drovers Hat

Smith - One fedora

Jones - The other Fedora

Trust - My Fob Watch

Littlestar - My star of David pendant

Sign - Messianic Symbol Pendant

Blackfoot - Fivefinger KSO’s

Leatherfoot - KSO Trek’s

Bag of Magic - Camera bag

Bag of pain - Knife bag

Trusting for 225

This is a post about nothing and everything. "State of the Sisson" address, I suppose. Read at your own risk.

This seems like a long time as i write this, yet at the same tim i remember two years ago when I thought 18 months was a long time at Verity. The difference between now and then is content expectation. Verity was a countdown of 18 months till i was DONE with something. Now I am in a countdown till I can BEGIN something. Verity time was filled with school, people and activity, but these next seven and a half months have no clear defining points, which makes the wait see much more daunting.
That is not to say there aren't things I need and want to do with the time I have left. There are alot of things that I want to do, and I have to work in the mean time. I've mentioned lists of things I'd like to do before: Learn Hebrew, write more, learn to dance, shoot more. In this list I am making progress on various parts. I dance once a week with the State Swing Society, and and getting better slowly. I have been writing more, though not a whole lot. I hopefully will be going to a shooting club on wednesdays. I would like to take up skating on sunday afternoons again, aswell.
Those are just the time occupying ones. There are also things as far as self improvement that I feel I need to do before I ship out. Discipline is a big one. I liked at school, knowing when I had to be up and in bed and to chapel and classes. I like structure, but structure is not something I seem to be able to maintain on my own. When I am the enforcer of my schedule, I fail. Yes I make it to work and meetings and events on time, because such things are not dependent or or structured around me. I structure around them.
Even outside of structure I have a hard time doing things I want to do. Reading my bible is a practice that is irregular at best. I work out hardly enough, considering the standards I need to meet before I leave. Anyone who knows me knows that my diet is important to me, yet again (as with daily disciplines) when i am responsible for feeding myself and arranging my meals, health becomes much less important. I'm in decent shape, and I knwo theology well enough to be an annoyance to friends who don't understand its importance. The fact is that i want to get better ad reading, working out and eating properly, but I can't.
In Highschool and before I had regular friends. Jordan Mears, Matt Lottes, and Trey & Tison back when I was 7-8. These were all guys who were close enough to me geographically that we would end up seeing each other most days. I've always been known to my family to be a social person, and those friendships were the necessary extension of that character trait. But now I find myself in an interesting social situation. I don;t have many close friends. That is to say that after School and Israel, I found that most of my friends live out of state. This obviously precludes the idea of proximity friendship I had before. I don't know anyone i can just DO things with. I am thankful for the Gaddies; Jed, Nikki and Vikki, who have introduced me to the dace club and let me tag along to moves and such. But they have their own lives, and seeing as they are, in majority, women, not people who I can just call and say "Hey, lets go do-"
The reason I find it hard to do more dancing and skating and shooting and even learning hebrew is that I'm doing it alone. Every one of those things I got into because someone introduced me to them.  I have also written before about the reason for my social nature: I see beauty and enjoy life vicariously. I like to dance with people who like to dance. I like to skate because the people I am with make it joyful. It would be the most amazing thing to learn a new language WITH someone.
Yet, I am leaving. Were I to leave right now, There isn't much in Mid-Michigan Id miss, think about, or worry about aside from my parents (and even they agree that it is past time for me to separate). There are other people, in other parts of the country i would think about and wonder and maybe even worry about, but I can't or don't really talk to them anyways.  I can say there are a few people I'd try to keep in contact with VIA FB (but this is hard for me, as, again, I prefer (even need) face to face interaction to really experience a person, FB friendships are unfulfilling).
I watched the documentary series "Carrier", which followed the USS Nimitz on a 6 month cruise. It made me want to leave sooner. Yet, at the same time, seeing life aboard a boat and the relationships and social life, I desired one thing more. I desired attachment. This is nothing new. I would love to leave part of myself behind with someone, to know they were waiting, and who I could live for while away. The first few months of school i skated and worked out and wrote for Laura. When that faded, those habits faded.
But do i really want to attach, or even have friends just long enough to leave them? I don't see myself coming back to this area to live for any length of time. And surely I'd find friends in the Navy, as I'd have that interpersonal proximity that was the foundation for my old friendships. Would it be fair to them? Would it be fair to me?
And for all the things I wish I could do, all the people I wish I could "hang out" with, my life is not conducive to such things. My scedule after the first of the year is such: Sunday I go to church and Skate, Monday I work, Tuesday I Have DEP Ed Meetings, then I dance; Wednesday are DEP meetings and shooting; Thursday I work, Friday and saturday I either work or study at home. Do I have time? No. Am i generally easy to befriend? No.
So what is the point? I have a lot i need to figure out before I leave. Rather, I have a lot I don't know. This is all stuff that I really can't do too much about. I don't think that anyone would really say their life is any clearer than mine. No one knows what will happen in the next 225 days. That's ok. I can (and sometimes do) stress about it, and subsequently am loosing my hair.
If nothing else, in Seven months I will look back and know that I am alone and unfulfilled now because G-d wanted me to be, and at that time, whether any of this has changed or not, I will be then what G-d will want me to be.
Trusting in G-d is not easy.

To those people who would say "Hey, well all the religions are the same,

…all roads lead to G-d anyway,”

What about the diferences?

“Well its all about love.”

Islam is not about love, it’s about submission. (and blowing up kids)

Christianity is not about love, it’s about reconciliation.

Buddhism is not about love, but escaping suffering.

Hinduism is not about love, but escaping the illusion of the world.

Love may be significant in each, but it is not the central message of each.

Why think a modest similarity is more important than the massive differences.

Growing in Thirds

I went dancing tonite for the third time with the State Swing Society. The first time I went, in costume, I was stiff. I left early cause I couldnt ask anyone to dance and couldnt make myself dance unless I knew that I knew how to do ti right. I couldin't relax, so I couldn't enjoy it.
Seven years. Seven years is about one third of my life now. I look back at that interval. Fourteen years ago I was seven years old. I don't remember anything from before then. Not a thing. At all. I remember a cake for my eight birthday. I think thats My earliest memory that I can recall without the aid of pictures to show me.
I remember Blake Chappel, who I considered my best friend. I remember feeling so dumb compared to him, but I was eight, and I didn't care. I was a Dumb kid. I used to feel ashamed of my childhood, not because I was a terrible child (though i might have been) but because i saw how really dumb I was. But at the time I thought I was dumb, and I didn't care. I knew when I was seven that I didn't know some of the things the other kids did. And I LOVED it. I was the weird, crazy, talkative, off the wall kid. I lived in my imagination.
Seven years ago I was fourteen. I'm not sure what happened this year, but things changed. I changed. I started that process of growing up. Maybe it was SSI, maybe it was changed in my family life, maybe it was something else, but for sure it was G-d in HIS sovereignty, shaping me into who he wanted me to be. However, whenever, why ever, that year my brain caught up. If there is any intelligence, any logic, any skill in me as far as thinking goes, it becan to develop when I was fourteen. I Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, argued like a child; now that I have become a man, I have finished childish ways." That verse fit me.
But with this most recent third of my life, I was an adult. Yes i made mistakes before, but they were the mistakes of a child: breaking two of moms china bowl in less than five minutes because I set them in the same place on the counter; bashing my head against a mailbox post cause I wasn't looking where I was going. As an adult, the mistakes you make are more subtle, but much bigger.
With my ability to think I slowly lost my childhood. That is obvious if you think about it. I no longer was content with being dumber, even if it meant I was no longer care-free. In fact I became quite the opposite of care free; you could say I became care-intensive. From fifteen to seventeen I became depressive because i over-thought everything. yet still had my childhood selfishness. Everything was about me, and when you think as much as I did, everything becomes bad.
By the time I got to my first job at sixteen, i was known by the people at work as "the guy who killed his inner child". No more naivete, which was good, no more dumbness, which was good, But also no more joy. No more carefree willing ness to accept life. I thought i was still that child, but I had become a hardened adult.
Through events In my life after high-school my heart was thawed and refrozen and thawed again as people came and went from my life. Now here I am, looking back on twenty-one years. I was Toad, then Nate, now Nathan.
I've swung through two extremes. I look back on the fourteen year old kid. Nate. He was so full of life. I sometimes think I dont experience half of what he did as I see the world. Sure, I've been more places, done more things, but there is a lot i haven't really SEEN.
As I danced tonite, the third time with this group, I was told i was too stiff. I was. I am. But I let go. For a while there, dancing with Vikki and Monica and the other girls who's names i have forgotten (yeah, that sounds good), I was able to dance. It may not seem like it to any reader, but for me it was big. I didn't have to know how to do the moves. I did them. I even kept time, but I wasn't trying to. I did part of a Martial Arts Kata to a song. I lookd so stupid, but I didn't care. I was fourteen again.
No, I'm not Nate, the carefree fourteen year old. I have harder eyes, a stronger body, and a more discerning heart. But for a few hours, to the right music, with the right people, I could dance.
I don't need angels to talk to me, to speak in a forgien toung that I don't really know, or get slain in the spirit. I can dance. I can close my eyes and say to G-d, "I'm a kid again. Look, G-d, I can dance. You made me to do this. You made me to see the world through hard eyes and thoughtful discernment, but you also made me a carefree kid. And that kid, who you made, is dancing."
I miss that kid i was sometimes. I miss being carefree and loose and lost in the world. But I like who I am, the conglomeration of that dumb kid, that selfish teen, and now this adult. I like who G-d made me.
If that makes any sense.

The Book that gives hope. (Why I'm not a charismatic theologian)

“The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart.” Where do you go to find joy? Where do you go to find happiness? Where do you go to find relief from sorrow, relief from depression, relief from anxiety? Where do you go? The Psalmist says, the voice of God says, “Go to the Word.”

 We’re not left without principles for life. People say, “Doctrine doesn’t matter.” Oh it matters. What does it mean to have a Bible and not understand its principles? You don’t want to wander around in a fog of human opinion. You have a true Word to follow.

And what is the product of this if you go on the right path? Rejoicing the heart. True joy, true joy. My joy comes from what I know to be true about God and His purposes. John writes, 1 John 1:4, “I write these things unto you that your joy may be full.”

I don’t need voices from heaven. I don’t need miracles. I don’t need to talk to angels. I don’t need supernatural experiences, neither do you. We don’t need visions. I don’t need to have some kind of vision to boost up my faltering faith. I know from the Word of God what is true, I know the path of truth in which I walk and in that path of truth I find my heart rejoices. Depression, anxiety, fear, doubt comes from not knowing, not believing, not trusting the truth revealed in Scripture.

 

(John MacArthur, "God's own defense of scripture")

Snow adventures Vol. 1

So today coming out of work after our first snow of the season, my car was iced over. I didn't have a scraper in my car.
I worked on Halloween and we were allowed to dress up. I donned my pirate costume for the second time. As I work at a family atmosphere grocery store I was hesitant to wear my metal sword and knife, but brought them anyways, just in case i would be allowed. After work that night I was bringing my costume parts in, but accidentally dropped my 8" fixed blade dagger under my carseat, and so it was not brought in.
As I searched for my ice scraper, lo and behold i discover my knife! Having no proper scraper, and being the knife-nerd I am, what do you think I did?
My knife worked wonderfully as a scraper, and I am sorely tempted to keep it in my car until I can find my proper scraper. What do you think; Mideval knife as a Ice Scraper: Genius or Idiocy?

Characteristics of Hyper-fundamentalists

First, hyper-fundamentalists often understand fundamentalism in terms of loyalty to an organization (IBLP), movement, or even leader (Bill Gothard). They equate the defense of the faith with the prosperity of their organization or its leader. Someone who criticizes or contradicts it is subjected to censure or separation.
Second, hyper-fundamentalists sometimes adopt a adamant stance regarding some extrabiblical or even antibiblical teaching. [Seven steps to prosperity, courtship, girls wearing only skirts. etc.] …When individuals become adamant over such nonbiblical teachings, they cross the line into hyper-fundamentalism.
Third, hyper-fundamentlists understand separation in terms of guilt by association. To associate with someone who holds any error constitutes an endorsement of that error.
Fourth, hyper-fundamentalists are marked by an inability to receive criticism. For them, questioning implies weakness or compromise. Any criticism — especially if it is offered publicly — constitutes an attack. (Young people being sent away or outcasted for thinking and disagreeing with an extra-biblical stance)
A fifth characteristic of hyper-fundamentalism is anti-intellectualism. Some hyper-fundamentalists view education as detrimental to spiritual well-being…. Colleges, when they exist, are strictly for the purpose of practical training, or must be controlled by the standards of the leader or organization. (Verity)
Sixth, hyper-fundamentalists sometimes turn nonessentials into tests of fundamentalism. For example, some hyper-fundamentalists assume that only Baptists should be recognized as fundamentalists…. One’s fundamentalist standing may be judged by such criteria as hair length, musical preferences, and whether one allows women to wear trousers.
Seventh, hyper-fundamentalists occasionally treat militant political involvement as a criterion for fundamentalist standing. During the 1960s and 1970s, anticommunism was a definitive factor for some fundamentalists. Its place has now been taken by antiabortion and antihomosexual activism. Most fundamentalists do agree about these issues, but hyper-fundamentalists make militant activism a necessary obligation of the Christian faith.
Eight and last, hyper-fundamentalists sometimes hold a double standard for personal ethics. They see themselves engaged in an ecclesiastical war, and they reason that some things are permissible in a warfare that would not be permissible in ordinary life. They may employ name-calling, half-truths, and innuendo as legitimate weapons. They may excuse broken promises and political backstabbing.
Hyper-fundamentalism is the modern equivalent of pharisaical spiritualism. Most tenants of Hyper-fundamental teaching are good thoughts or ideas that are blown far out of proportion. These rules, laws and methods of living are not bad in and of themselves; the problem though is when the the theology behind them. Theology is everything. How a person (or organization) views G-d will define their Methodology (what that person or organization does and how they live). Hyper-fundamentalism, by its nature, misses the theology of the Gospel. We are saved by grace, not by any ammount of right living or works. Having standards is great, but we WILL fail those standards, and even if we do not, we are still damned outside of the sacrifice of Yeshua. Grace alone through faith alone.

21

This year has actually been a good year for me. So much has happened. I can acutally say that I'm not remotely where I thought Id be.
I started learning a new language.
I've been to Washington DC, on my own, paying for myself.
I met a girl named Jade and a Dragon named Ember.
I was named Aiden.
I've been to Israel, twice.
I've Graduated from College.
I've healed from a broken heart, and subsequently fallen in love again.
I enlisted in the United States Navy.
I have been led deeper in my relationship with G-d through the Holy Spirit (by study and theology, not by apostolic gifts or babbling in tongues)
My twentieth year has been the first year that I've really moved. It's been incredible, albeit emotional and hard, to walk forward. I've trusted (whether i meant to or not) in the Sovereignty of G-d; He has led me to this point, and by His will I stand here.
I could babble on about this, but the point is this: In spite of everything, this has been a good year, and I wouldn't change it.

A 21 Year Old's Prayer

G-d,

I'm a bit empty and alone right now. I have found you to the extent I have searched for you. You are faithful to me even in my lack of devotion to you. I will trust in your providence, relying on you to take care of my still fragile heart. 

I have before given such great and glorifying prayers to you, but now am ashamed to see how little honor my ways bring to you. Yet the glory is still yours because you saved the wretch in me. No great treasure did you earn in saving me, but the worst and filthiest of rags. And even knowing the disappointment I'd be, you died for me. 

I do not seek you in your word, nor do I come to you in prayer. It seems to me that my life is in shambles and my heart still broken into many pieces. Oh how poor a son I am. How I wish I could be a son that you could rejoice in. Yet my betrayals stand out all the more.

I want to know you, but my strength to seek you has passed. I wish I could say "Tomorrow will be better," but I know that I will fail another promise if I vow to be better in the morning. I am overcome with my weakness and sorrow. I want to be whole, complete, and I know that only comes from you.

I ask for alot, and you already show mercy to me by sustaining my life, a gift I forfeited long ago in my sin. Yet still I press your grace to ask for yet more. This hole in me is more than I can fill. I do not have the strength to seek you, yet that is the only way to fill my emptiness. My heart yearns to be held again. I miss the company of friends, people who care about me who i could pour myself into. Yet I know that those friends have been a idol to me in the past, a drug.

My Adonai, grant me a fill for this loneliness in my heart. Bring me into the company of people who will point me back to you, while allowing me to rest and belong with them. Fill my heart again.

I pray to find you, so I can be filled with you and thus give you glory. I can think of no better thing.

These words I lift before you, broken, yet trusting in your faithfulness, Oh, G-d, my father.

For you, Great King, are faithful.

Been reading som "Christian" Blogs

It breaks my heart what I'm seeing. So many people who claim to be christians are proclaiming their message of "love". They misunderstand the gospel entirely and the problem is that they are close enough to the truth that they become completely blind to it.

"The Lord of all the earth and heavens is my Abba Father. The crafter of stars and the universe is my creater. The author of the bible is my finisher for He is the beginning and the end.

And I am His object of love. Created for the sole purpose to be loved by Him. "

No! We are not object of his love, we are objects of His WRATH. Enemies of G-d (James 4:4) There is nothing so spanky or good about us, nothing in us that makes us worht saving. G-ds love comes in spite of the fact that we are piles of putrescence waiting to be burnt. Thats as close to being literal as I can be without being crude.
We are created for the sole purpose of GLORIFYING HIM, even if that means that some, by G-ds providence end up in HELL. Wrath and hell are the most loving things G-d can do, and anyone who believes that G-d love us unfiltered by justice and that getting saved will make everything in life better has NEVER READ THE NEW TESTAMENT.
So many people in this world, especially in the church think that all G-d is doing in this world is that Hes loving everybody, thats G-ds thing G-ds just with us and wants to love us if only we will let him and just accept his love and ask Jesus into our hearts... NOT!  G-d loves us, obviously, but its not some pampering love, but a perfecting love. Its a love that expects our highest and greatest usefulness for his purposes.
It breaks my heart because they are convinced that they know the truth, and they preach this. They go out into the street and spread the words that they believe. The save people by getting them to "pray the sinners prayer" (mentioned no where in scripture), Ask Jesus into their heart (mentioned nowhere in scripture); that they have a G-d shaped hole in their heart (mentioned nowhere in scripture), and that G-d is just waiting to pour out physical blessings upon them (spiritual blessings, yes, but otherise the OPPOSITE is mentioned in scripture).
People in churches are going to hell. Yeshua (Jesus) predicted this: Wheat and Weeds, Mattityahu (Matthew) 13:14-30, wise and foolish birdesmaids, Mattityahu (Matthew), 25:1-13. Even so, i find this tragic. Yes, it is sad to see the muslim and the athiest rail against G-d and got to hell, but more so to me to see someone who truly loves G-d because they either don't understand or they preferr their non judgemental idol who caters to their feelings.
Oh to the Gospel, how you are missed in the church.
Mattityahu 7:21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of heaven, only those who do what my Father in heaven wants. On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord! Didn't wee prophesy in your name? Didn't we expel deamons in your name? Didn't we perform many miracles in your name?' THen i will tell them to their faces, 'I never knew you! Get away from me you workers of lawlessness!'

(Follow up to last years article "I Praise G-d because I drove a Saturn")
I'm tired of being depressed about things.
The pretext to my previous article that many people probbably missed was Laura. All of those things things that had seemed perfect for me them; the saturn, hillsdale, etc. were not in the end what G-d really wanted for me. He gave me better things after he took the things I had grown attached to away.
I've had a hard time reclaiming the memories i had with Laura. I love her because of those memories we shared. I love her because I love the memories. I wondered how I could reclaim those good memories that were tainted with Pain. But G-d is smarter than that in the way he designed me.
I, along time ago, wrote an article on how people see the world. Most specifically about how I see the world. I don't really enjoy anything much on my own. I enjoy things (Dancing, Ren Fair, Shopping, Ice Sakting) because i am with people. Im not a people person in the strictest sense, but I get the most joy out of things when i can feel and absorb the joy that others get from it. I see the beauty of the world through other peoples eyes. This is why I loved Laura: She was happy, and full of joy at the world. I could see incredible beauty through her.
This is why I have been so confused about things. My emotions were quite a contradiction to me. I know I don't love Laura anymore. I don't expect there to be reconciliation of that relationship. I hope I never have to see her again. At the same time though, remembering her can be so debilitating. For a long time i struggled with the paradox of how i could be over it and yet be so affected by memories. But, again, it was the joy I had in those memories that I loved. It makes perfect sense that I can not love the person but love the joy of those memories, the joy that came from that person. That joy is something I can and have found again.
I want to be with people who have real joy that I can share. This is why Verity fundamentally annoyed me and i became gruff and short with people: most of the ones i interacted with were not really joyful down deep. They may have been happy, but for the most part there wasn't Joy that I could expirience with them. There were a few exceptions, namely Aly. Donny was another person, back home who I could simply enjoy life with because he enjoys life.
It worried me a bit that I may not be able to find someone with whom I can share joy to that degree again. Laura and I shared that joy freely after a long friendship and built up trust. I love to get to know someone on that level again, but even so the question of "Will it ever be the same?" is somewhere in my head. But here I come back to the comparison of my cars.
I drove a 2002 Saturn L300 that my parents bought for me just before college. It was a nice car. Stable, reliable, powerful, good looking, everything I could want. It was sure, and wouldn't change. It was guaranteed to be everything i wanted it to be. I never expected it to be taken away, and part of m still misses it. Now I Drive a 1995 Firebird that I bought for myself. It's not as stable, it needs some work. Sometimes I worry that it may not start. It needs cosmetic work. It isn't as sure.
To me, Laura was sure. Being with her was the path I liked, I expected, it made sense and worked for me. It was a given, and obvious to anyone who knew us at the time. She would have most definitely given me the vicarious joy that I love. But as much as it had seemed like the right path, in the end, it wasn't. Now the path that I'm on isn't as sure. It doesn't promise to be as fulfilling as the saturn was sure to be. There are problems with it, and there could be more. The long and short of it is that I don't know if it will work out.
I'm afraid there is not grand conclusion. I'm on an unsure path, with no promise of the deepness and joy I had before. But its the path I'm on. I'm not afraid of what G-d will bring me now. I have faith that everything I need and want will be met. I'm done being depressed and overwhelmed by things of the past, at least in this area. I'm going to drive forward on my unclear bumpy road in my awesome, unstable car. I deserve the opposite, but by grace G-d has given me both.
I pray that this will be the last depressing, self indulgent post on this topic. I hope that I can again start to write about the greatness of my Savior and the beauty of His gospel.

Laura's Recurring Nightmare.

I've always been able to express my thoughts pretty well in writing. Not accounting for typing skills, which produce a fair ammount of typos in many of my articles, I've been given the gift of communication this way. I'm realizing as time goes on that a person can only communicate their realized ideas. I can communicate my thoughts, and writing is a medium I have used to translate emotions into thoughts.
Emotions, to me, are simply thoughts that don't come with words or concepts. Thus learning how to express emotions is a useful skill. Writing has been that skill for me, to a certain extent. When something bothers be or excites me, I write it down and those emotions translate into logical thoughts. The problem is that not all emotions are available to the conscious mind.
I'm not sure how this compares with the experience of others, but I have recurring dreams. Regularly. Since I was seventeen I have been aware of the connection between my dreams and emotions I am unable to express. When I'm under a deeper emotional stress, I dream about it, I believe, because my conscious mind is either unaware of the effects of that stress, or is unable to express it. When i say deeper emotional stress, I don't mean daily life stress. From my understanding, the type of stress that influences my dreams is often a singular event that impacts my life.
For example, the reason and inspiration for this article, as noted by the title. My desire to write about this (again) is because its been about a year since i stopped having "Laura's Recurring Nightmare" as I call it. Many of my dreams are recurrent, especially the ones that have a big impact on me. Usually if a dream represents something important enough to be recurrent, its a nightmare.
In June of last year I got an email saying that Laura, the young woman i had been intending on marrying, wanted to end any friendship that we had. Without going into more detail on this well worn story, I never really was told why or given any reason for this. One week things were fine, more than fine you could say, the next week my heart had been ripped away. The same night as that email, a series of dreams began which I later took to calling "Laura's Recurring Nightmare". Not much for creativity on that one, I know.
The dream itself was actually rather simple. I woke up more times than i can count screaming and crying "WHY??!" Not nessesarily verbally screaming, but in my mind. That was the dream. No images, nothing going on, just me screaming in "WHY?!" in my dream (once or twice outloud, in my sleep I was later informed). THe emotional pain that went with those screams I can still remember. I remember the devastation in my heart.
I mention that, not because I still have those dreams or feel that pain; like I said its been nearly a year since that dream has stopped recurring. What makes that dream interesting to me is that outside of the recurring dream and pain therein, there was no other manifestation of this emotion in my life. Less that a month after I got that email, I was back at school, living my life normally. During my waking hours, I was fine. I was shocked at how quickly I had recovered from the heartbreak, but my dreams told a different story. The only time I had any noticeable reaction to the loss was in my sleep, where my emotions, the ones I couldn't express and didn't even know were there during the day, came out violently. It was the only emotion i really had, and I couldn't feel it any other way. Overtime I stopped feeling altogether, and became a hateful jerk to my classmates, which eventually led me to leave school because I couldn't handle it.
Once again, the dreams I have that stay with me are representations of things I can't express any other way. Perhaps now I can verbally explain the depth of "Laura's Recurrent", but at the time it was lost on me. Now I am in the midst of another series of recurrent dreams. These are not nightmares.
Recently the dream has been of Laura again. My waking mind hardly ever thinks about her, or what happened last year. I know that I would probbably ignore her and many of the friends that are associated with her if we were to meet again. Things will never go back. I don't want Laura ever again, but I want reclamation of the memories we had. But once again, my dreams tell a different story that my waking emotions.
In the new dream, I see her in a place that is familiar. INCH, Verity, Ren Fair, Horrocks, and other such places of "importance". Its just a moment, but i see her, just her face, and I say "I'm sorry." I'm not sure if I really am sorry, or just want there to be some kind of reconciliation in the dream, but thats what happens. What do I make of it? I'm not sure. My logical, waking mind can't process it in any coherent way. But its what the dream is. Maybe in a few months I'll understand.
Links to previous posts about my dreams and nightmares (Cir. 2008):
The Meaning of Dreams
Oneirophobia
*Note, these are very childish and badly written posts, but they are examples of past recurrent dreams.

Things I collect or want to collect.

A great guide for gift buying and just general information about me. In no kind of order:

1. Guns:  The saying for me is "One Gun a year till Im 30. (since I have been old enough to own them)" So far I have kept to this: My Glock for my 18th Year, My Sig for my 19th year... Its this 20th thats becoming a problem. With Israel Trips, College, travel, and other expenses, finding a Firearm i can afford and want this year has been tough. Whats made it harder is that, even though I've found one, a Navy black powder .44, I havent been able to locate one. I have two more months. 



2. Hats: 
   This collection is Limited to a few spesific kinds of hats that i like. Fedoras, Drover Hats, Bandanas, and skull caps that aren't decorated. I love my hats, the few that I have, and I hope to continue to make good use out of them for many years.




3. Knives: 
   Another fairly obvious one for anyone who knows me at all. I don't collect indiscriminately here; not all knives are equal. If you know know enough about knives to know what I'd like, dont get one for me.




4. Notebooks
   This is a collection with a singular Purpose. All of my notebooks are either used or going to be used one day in the form of letters. Letters to my Wife, children, and myself. I collect them almost indescriminately, As long as they look nice and have some quality.




5. Funny Pictures
   Pretty Self Explanatory




6. Tshirts/ Scrubs/ Vests
   My clothing selection is nerdy and eccentric. I have so many different styles, from the hats, colors, scrubs, toe shoes, vests




7. Israel stuff
   This is possibly the most expensive of my collections, as it Requires a trip to Israel every time. I have potteryshards, lamps, rocks, jewelry, certificates, bullets. These mean alot to me as Israel is very much on my heart.




8. Camera Equipment
   I have had alot of cameras. There is never really an end to the amount of equipment one can get for a camera. I love getting video and Pictures of my world, to aide my memory. Lenses, pods, flashes, video stuff, and even software are all a part of this process.




9. Swords
   I'm listing this as a separate entity from knives, cause these are a class in and of themselves. I have bought and sold swords since i was 16, making this one of my older collections.




10. Jewelry
    This is pretty limited to Necklaces, rings and masculine bracelets, obviously. Its a limited collection, but I rotate thru the things I have. I'm guessing when i get my Navy Tags, that will replace any necklaces i wear.


11. Hororable Mentions: Costumes, Fake Credit Cards, Stuffed Animals, Thomas the Tank Engine.

I don't know how long I have left...

Before I ship out with the Navy. Things are low going, But I'm ok with that. It gives me some time to do things I want to do while i'm still young. It's odd that I consider this part of my sanctification.
To recap; sanctification, according to the bible, is the process where, over time, a person who has been redeemed learns what holiness and righteousness are as they are made more and more aware of their sin by the work of the Ruach Ha'Kodesh (Holy Spirit).
I see some of my sins, things I do that I have always known are wrong, and things that I have recently become convicted about. I still fall into sin sometimes, and hate myself after. Repentance for habitual sins of selfishness and the like is not easy. Every morning I see how things could go. I remind myself that Yeshua died for me knowing that i would fall into those sins, and that thought makes me want to do better.
One of the things I have become convicted about is my time managment and discipline. I know i waste time, not only being idle, but doing things that are harmful, and entertaining myself with stuff that isn't right. Tv shows are a big falling point for me. I hate them, but i spend hours a day watching them, knowing they blaspheme the name of the one who gave me life. I sleep in way too late, because I keep myself awake way to late. I only have this moment this one time, and I hate wasting them.
I could spend that time reading and praying, which I desperately want to do. I could spend that time working out, and maintaining this body I've been given (another conviction of mine is my diet and health, which are very far below where I feel they should be before G-d). I could spend that time doing the things I want to do.
I wish I could spend all day reading, studying, dancing, working out and training. But i dont have the discipline. I get lazy and bored. I want to study the scriptures, to know my G-d. I want to Learn hebrew. I want to lear to dance. I want to study Martial Arts again. I want to jorunal, writing letters to my future wife and children. With a passion I desire these things. Right now the thing in my way is my own sloth.
Oh, Adonai! There is none like you. So many wonderful things you have created and put before me. ME! I'm the lowest of your creatures, the most pathetic person i can think of, and yet you have given me such great opportunities and gifts. No gift Greater than your Son, Yeshua, through whom you see me, not as pathetic, but as everything I wish I was.
My sins and flaws are so high, like walls around me, holding me in, keeping me from being what I wish I could be for you. I hate these sins that once separated me from you. I want to show how great you are, but all I know is evil. But you don't see me through that sin and evil any longer. Free me from the walls of my sin, Father. Lift me out of them, and life me up so I can glorify you.
G-d, you have provided so much for me. You have given me my passion back. My dreams that have been gone from me so long now come flooding back, and they are all desires for you! I want to move again. You have given me a job, and parents who are nothing short of amazing. Car, Camera, Computer... All things I have that i shouldn't. Thank you, G-d.
For all the things you have given me the desire to do, just help me move towards them. My heart is full of desire for man things. So many things I want and need, and I trust you to be smart enough to know which is which, and to give me what you know I need.
Let my life be to your glory. Let my body and works be a tool for your kingdom, shining Your light of glory. May my actions be such that I am unseen, but you are made obvious to all who bear witness.

Job Interviews (My resume makes me sound adventurous, aparently))

Interviewer: So it says on your resume that you worked in your State Representatives office?

Me: Yes...

Interviewer: Ok. Your first job was in a gourmet restaurant?

Me: Yes...

Interviewer: It says here that you just graduated from college... in a year and a half, wow!

Me: Yeah...

Interviewer: What have you been doing since then?

Me: Well, I spent a month in Israel, volunteering in a Hospital and traveling the country.

Interviewer: Wow!

Long Pause

Interviewer: You do know this is an entry-level, minimum wage position, right? Not really adventurous or exciting.

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: You seem a little.. Overqualified.

Me: *Headbash*

Islam and the End Times by John MacArthur

I want to just talk about that for a moment, in a way that perhaps will be interesting to you. There are always false prophets, always false teachers, we know that, always people who claim to be Jesus, claim to be Jesus Christ, some more notable than others. But as you get to the end of human history and you get in to the period of time called the Tribulation, there is a specific fulfillment of this prophecy that I want you to understand, and it has to do with Islam.
Most people think of Islam as an utterly distinct religion from Christianity, with no connection to Christianity. We would think if someone is a Muslim, they have absolutely no connection to Christianity. And there are many religions that have no connection to Christianity, Hinduism has no connection to Christianity, Buddhism has no connection to Christianity, many others have no connection. It’s amazing how many do connect because Satan wants to counterfeit and deceive and get as close to the truth as he can.
There are actually confessed evangelical people who think that. Muslims not only believe in God because they are monotheist, believing in one God, but who think that Muslims are okay because they actually believe in Jesus. And by the way, they do. Brian McClaren an Emerging Church heretic writer in his book The Secret Message of Jesus says, and I quote, “All Muslims regard Jesus as a great prophet. A shared reappraisal of Jesus’ message could provide a common ground for urgently needed religious dialogue. This reappraisal of Jesus may be our own way of saving a number of religions, including Christianity,” end quote.
So if we want to save Christianity and save other religions, we need to all get together and that should be easy for us to do because we can start with the Muslims because they already believe in Jesus. A popular speaker and author, Tony Campolo, says, quote: “When we listen to the Muslim mystics as they talk about Jesus and their love for Jesus, I must say it’s a lot closer to New Testament Christianity than a lot of Christians.” Really! So you think that the Muslim Jesus is the same Jesus?
I can help you with that because they describe Jesus. The Muslim Jesus plays a crucial role in Islamic eschatology. Now you do know that the Muslims have an eschatology. In other words they have a theology of the end. They know where they’re going, according to their writings. They know where they’re going.
Let me describe the Muslim Jesus to you. This is out of their own writings, the Koran and the Sunnah. The Koran is supposedly the word of Allah, actually the word of Satan, but they think it’s the word of Allah. The Sunnah...the Sunnah are the words of and the works of Mohammed. The Koran then constitutes their holy Scripture and the Sunnah, sometimes called the Hadith constitutes their holy tradition. Their theology comes out of the Koran and the Sunnah, just as Roman Catholic theology comes out of the Bible and Tradition, or Judaism comes out of the Old Testament and rabbinic tradition...the Muslims have two sources of authoritative truth.
In their system they have Jesus. Jesus was a man, he was not God. He did not die, he went to heaven like Elijah. He did not die, therefore he did not rise. He did not rise, therefore he did not provide an atonement for anyone because no one can provide an atonement for anyone else. He is a man. He is a prophet. He is nothing more. He went to heaven like Elijah. And he’s in heaven right now, standing alongside Allah, waiting for Allah to send him back. In their system, this man, this prophet Jesus who is now in heaven, never having died, plays a key role in the end times because he will return from heaven without dying, he will come back when Allah sends him back.
Now the question to ask, is why would Allah want to send Jesus back? He has a lot of prophets to pick from, why does he send Jesus back?
Answer...so that when he shows up he can correct all the Christians who have misunderstood who he is. The sources for this, again, are the Koran and the Sunnah. The great event of the coming of Christ, or coming of Jesus, is so that this prophet, this man who comes back can straighten out the misdirected, misguided, misconceiving Christians who think He was God who died and rose again and provided atonement...he’ll come back and straighten it out. And by the way, after he gets here, he’ll get married, have children and die and be buried next to Mohammed. That’s the Muslim Jesus.
In Islamic eschatology, there are three great signs of the end of history...three great signs. There are some lesser signs, or some minor signs, or some major signs. In their eschatology, again quoting their sources exclusively, there are three great signs of the end of history. And each of them is a man. Let me tell you about those three men.
First of all, the first man that will come in the end of history is the Mahdi...M-a-h-d-i. Sometimes he’s called the Twelfth Imam. Every time Imam Dinnijide over in Iran gives a speech, he gives glory to the Mahdi, glory to the Twelfth Imam, every time. He’s waiting for the coming of the Mahdi.
What is he coming to do? He’s coming, listen carefully, to slaughter all who will not worship Allah, convert to Islam. They are identified in their writings as pigs and dogs. And to establish the everlasting world dominating kingdom of Islam. That’s what he will do.
The Mahdi, or the Twelfth Imam, that means the guided one, is the long-awaited savior. He is the establisher of the final Caliphate. The world must follow him as he takes over or he will destroy all enemies of Islam. He will come and he will carry on holy war and either you convert or you’re killed by the Mahdi. He will have an army. His army will be a massive army and his army will go from nation to nation to punish the unbelievers. The holy writings of Islam say that this army will carry black flags. And on those black flags there will be one word and that one word will be the word Punishment. By the way, the Iranian army today carries black flags. They want to be ready for the coming of the Mahdi.
He will lead the army of black flags first to Israel, slaughter all the Jews, and then he will establish his rule in Jerusalem on the temple mount. That’s what their literature says. Slaughter the Jews, establish his rule on the temple mount.
According to their holy writings, the Mahdi will bring rain and wind and crops and wealth and happiness so that all will love him and no one will speak of anyone but him. Their writings say the Mahdi will come and make, at first, a peace agreement with the Jews and the west for seven years. The reign of Mahdi will last seven years in which he establishes Islam on the earth.
Their holy writings say this, the Mahdi will come riding on a white horse, and it even says in their writings, “As it says in Revelation 6:1 and 2. Saddam Hussein, by the way, painted murals of this Mahdi on a white horse all over Baghdad. And he comes carrying a sword to kill the infidels.
When the Mahdi arrives, he will discover hidden scriptures, he will discover them, interestingly enough, somewhere near the Sea of Galilee and there will be there hidden scriptures, hidden gospels and a hidden Torah and they will be the true scriptures which will be used by the Mahdi to show the Jews and the Christians they were wrong, that their scriptures were the false scriptures.
Let me summarize. The Mahdi will be a messianic figure. He will be a descendant of Mohammed. He will be an unparalleled, unequaled leader. He will come out of a crisis of turmoil. He will take control of the world. He will establish a new world order. He will destroy all who resist him. He will invade many nations. He will make a seven-year peace treaty with the Jews. He will conquer Israel and massacre the Jews. He will establish Islamic world headquarters at Jerusalem. He will rule for seven years, establish Islam as the only religion. He will come on a white horse with supernatural power. He will be loved by all people on earth.
If that sounds familiar, that is a precise description of the biblical Antichrist...absolutely step-by-step-by-step-by-step. The Bible’s Antichrist is their Mahdi. We know that the rider on the white horse in Revelation 6 is the Antichrist. They use that verse to describe their Mahdi.
Why am I giving you all this? Because the description of the Mahdi is exactly the description of the biblical Antichrist, the beast of Revelation 13, and you go into any kind of a study of that and you will find that all the details match up perfectly. The Bible’s Antichrist is Islam’s Savior and world conqueror who establishes a universal Islamic kingdom.
And there’s a second sign, a second person, and it is Jesus. The Mahdi is not Jesus. The Mahdi is greater than Jesus, and that’s important to their system because if you have somebody greater than Jesus then the Christians were wrong. So Jesus will return. Yes, Muslims believe that Jesus will come again. They believe in the return of Jesus, not the true Jesus, the Jesus of Islam, not God, didn’t die, didn’t rise, didn’t provide a sacrifice for sin, but he does return. He’s a prophet and he comes back and he has one purpose when he comes back and that is to assist and aid the Mahdi. He returns, listen to this, as a radical Muslim. He comes back as a radical Muslim. He will arrive, by the way, at a minaret near Damascus. And he will come back holding the wings of two angels who flew him down to meet the gathering army of the Mahdi in the east, the army of the black flags.
Jesus when he comes back will pray to the Mahdi who is greater than he. He will acknowledge the Mahdi as his lord. He will make a pilgrimage to Mecca. He will worship Allah and thus he will lead all Christians who will follow him to reject their notion of Jesus and accept the real Jesus who is nothing but a prophet and a man. He will establish worldwide Sharia law. He will become the greatest Muslim evangelist and he will be the final witness on the day of judgment against non-Muslims. Christians everywhere will affirm that they were wrong, that the gospel is wrong, the New Testament is wrong, He didn’t die, He didn’t rise, He isn’t God, He isn’t the Son of God. He Himself will come back and point out how wrong we’ve been. He will correct all misinterpretations and all misrepresentations.
Let me quote what their literature says. “He will shatter crosses.” That’s metaphoric for the destruction of the church, a symbol of Christianity being placed in the church. He will kill pigs. He will abolish the tax on non-Muslims because there won’t be any living non-Muslims, can’t tax dead people. And then he will do one more thing. He will kill the Islamic Antichrist. He will kill the Islamic Antichrist. Then he will die and be buried by Mohammed, but not until he has destroyed Christianity by revealing who he really is.
Who is this? You compare what he does to the false prophet in the book of Revelation, chapter 13, 16, 19, 20 refer to the beast coming out of the earth, the false prophet, who aids and abets the Antichrist. He is as the Mahdi is the exact replica of the Antichrist, the Jesus prophet in Islam is the exact parallel to the false prophet who aids and abets the Antichrist. One of their writings says he espouses the cause of the Mahdi. He is the Mahdi’s executioner. He is the Mahdi’s enforcer. He is the Mahdi’s prophet. And it is he who kills the Antichrist.
That leads me to the third person. The Antichrist will show up. The Muslims call him Dajjal, he is the great deceiver. He comes to earth on a mule and he’s blind in one eye. He is an infidel. He is a false miracle worker, this Antichrist, this Islamic Antichrist. But you know who he claims to be? He claims to be Jesus, the son of God. He claims to be deity. He will attempt to stop the Mahdi and the true Jesus but the true Jesus will slaughter him.
This is their view of the true Christ. Our Jesus is their Antichrist. Our Antichrist is their redeemer. It is a satanic counterfeit that is in complete reverse. The army...this is a quote... “The army of Satan will be led by a person who will claim to be Jesus Christ.” There will be a battle. The Muslim Jesus will fight the false Jesus and kill him and establish Islam forever. The truth is, the true Jesus will destroy the Antichrist and the false prophet and establish His Kingdom forever. This is Satan’s complete counterfeit, Muslim world domination.
Now somebody might say, “Well, when you think about the future and what’s going to happen in the world, don’t we have a revived Roman Empire? Doesn’t that mean the west? You remember that the image in Daniel 2 of the final world empire had two legs and the Roman Empire had the west and the east? You know, of course, if you know history that the western part of the Roman Empire basically dissolved and the east survived for a thousand years or more so that at the time of the New Testament, sixty percent of the Roman Empire was land that is now under Muslim control...at least 60 percent. The vast majority of the Roman Empire in New Testament times is today under Muslim control and Islam is moving across the west rapidly in Europe, isn’t it?
When you have a picture in Ezekiel 38, you have a picture of the Antichrist, Gog and you have the listing of eight nations, that will be a coalition for the Antichrist. All eight of those are Muslim nations, all eight of them. And they ring the Mediterranean to Libya.
In Revelation 17:9 to 11 it says there were six kingdoms and then a seventh and finally an eighth. What is the seventh? Well there’s been a discussion about that, it well could be the Ottoman Turk Empire which lasted five hundred years and didn’t really fall until the modern era. The Turkish Empire was the last Caliphate which ended in 1923 and they’re waiting for the restoration when the Mahdi comes.
So right at the very end somebody is going to say, “I’m Jesus.” Somebody else is going to say, “I’m Jesus.” Who you going to believe? That’s just one form of this deception that will show up at the end, and even now it’s deceiving people. There are a whole world of Muslims who think Jesus is someone He is not and consequently reject the true Jesus. Do not be deceived. There’s a world of Muslims deceived about the person of Jesus Christ. You cannot accommodate that by saying, “Isn’t that wonderful, they love Jesus.” They don’t. Any other Jesus than the true Jesus is not Jesus. And if you worship any other than the true Jesus, you are cursed

Pulse - As in the sign of the the condition of your heart

I think My Xanga pulse's are a good indication of my spiritual condition. They are becoming more G-d focused as I do, but are very few and far between, where the posts, the greater visible portions of my life, arent nearly as dedicated to sanctification as the rare pulses. I wish I posted more spiritual and G-d centered things more often, but my blogs are an extension of my mind and thoughts. I'm not nearly as strong and steadfast a believer as I want to be. Fortunately the G-d I believe in is steadfast. HE knows I am weak and have little spiritual stamina. My lack of faithfulness to HIM makes up for HIS great and endless faithfulness to me.
Sometimes at the end of a day and I see how dirt poor my walk as a believer has been. Then I read scripture and realize it's way worse than I thought it was. Awesome! Why is it good news? My hope is not in my performance, I know I suck. Yeshua's performance is credited to me! My hope is built on nothing less than Yeshua's Blood and Righteousness. The greater the revelation of my sin, the more I must acknowledge what G-d has done for me in H'Meshiach. Now I'm free to do my best because it doesn't matter that I fail, I still get the prize! No fear of failure. All praise and glory to אדני!

I didn't get to say goodbye like this a year ago.

But here in israel I feel like Ive found my heart again.
I knew i could be loved, but I didnt know how to show it anymore. I lost that ability with Laura. And for a year I've struggled, hating being alone, but being a hateful person because it was all i could understand. I didnt want to attach to people because i didnt want the hurt, but at the same time i desperately wanted someone to reachout to me anyways. G-d saw my need and answered that in some amazing people who have been loyal the past year.
Even so, I alienated my college class, showed them a person i hated, and followed the same pattern with my origins team. I expected to leave Rehovot emotionless, as i did school; not missing anyone, not really being hurt or upset, because i didnt care about them. I didnt know how to care. But something else happened.
Here in Rehovot I found a congregation. Not a church. A family. Its hard to explain., but to a person who hasnt had any emotional investment for more than a year, it was new. And it was only today, as i hugged and shook hands with people i just met that i realized that i loved them. I cared about them. I want to serve them.
I hated myself for being a distant little jerk the past two weeks. I was that same hateful person ive been for a year now, even to these new people who where showing me love. But inspite of my hatefulness.. they loved me anyways.
I'm reaching a bit. Im magnifying small emotions into larger ones, but the fact is i have them. Its so wonderful to be sad.. to say goodbye this way, hopeful that i can come back here.
My G-d is love. He is the author of love. At this moment i only wish i could show Him and others the same love i have received.

I'm long gone, in a far away place, literally mentally and spiritually,

Yet I still find myself thinking about my old friends sometimes. Laura, Josh, Rosie, Emily. Even Anna and Anthony. They are all gone now, all because I did something wrong. To some I may have disapeared without explanation. Some didnt want me to leave. Some turned on my as soon as I was out of the picture.
Do they know where I am now? What do they think of what I've done, and where I am? Do they think about me as often as I think about them? Do they regret losing our friendship?
Do they look down on me?

A girl in our group was working in the hospital today, and she was proposed to by an Israeli man. He said that the woman he loved had left him while he was away and she ran off with his best friend. That story struck close to home for me. Didn't expect to be reminiscing THAT much about thins, but G-d saw fit to remind me.
So now what?

Becky In the caves

The Porch

Us

Zero

Us: "G-d, My sins are so heavy. No matter how hard I try and can't be righteous; I can't do what you have asked me to do. I don't seem capable of it."
G-d: "I know. I saved you anyways. I see your sin. They were nailed to the cross. I know you cant be good enough to earn my favor, So came as Yeshua to show you that my love is greater than you sin. Your sin put me on the cross, so be done with it."
Moralism is a very common form of idolatry for the believer. One of the primary messages of the gospel is that we cannot save ourselves. We are not capable of doing anything worthy of G-ds love, favor, and mercy. Even if we don't activly commit any sins (which we all do in abundance anyways) we cannot be good enough to join with G-d or enter his presence.
This helplessness is a hard thing for many believer,s including me, to face. Even after salvation it is hard to accept. Many find themselves studying the bible and becoming more and more aware of more and more sin in their lives. Our conviction and hatred of their sin grows at it should. That is the sanctifying power of the holy spirit, revealing areas in our lives that are just messed up. This is a wonderful thing, being show how to improve, but also very hard, because as we see more and more of these sinful areas, and have a greater desire to be free of them, the harder the struggle seems to become.
See, when we are made aware of new sin, and have in increased hatred for that sin, it is very easy to become discouraged when we can't overcome those sins. The flesh is put to deaht with Yeshua, the sinful parts are no longer in control, but sin is a hard habit to break. Time after time the believer can struggle with their failure to overcome sin, their percieved lack of progress and wonder if they are really saved or not. They Do so out of a desire to please G-d. The thought is "I'm reading and praying and trying to be righteous, but it isn't working. I want to make G-d happy, and for him to be pleased with me." But remember, one of the essential parts of the gospel is the concept that we can't make G-d happy. But then, we dont have to.
Yeshua was righteous for us. When he died, and we trust in his death, our sins die with him. When G-d looks at us, he knows about our sin, but he doesnt care anymore because He sees that we have clung to the freely offered righteousness of our Messiah.
Justification and sanctification are not the same thing. Justification is what happens the moment we accept what Yehsua did for us and cling to his righteousness. G-d then sees us as Justified, and our sins are no longer relevant to Him. Sanctification is the process of cleansing that happens here on earth. Because we see what Yehsua did for us, and how our sins were the cause of His death, we learn, by the training of the Holy Spirit, to hate that sin. That process i talked about before, the process of becoming aware of more and more sin and hating it more and more is sanctification. Thats what happens here on earth, as we continually put to death the old self and take on this new creature we have become in Yeshua.
Romans 3:20-24 Says it this way;
"For in his sight no one alive will be considered righteous on the ground of legalistic observation of Torah commands, because what Torah really does is show people how sinful they are. But now, quite apart from Torah , G-d's way of making people righteous  in his sight has been made clear - although the Torah and the Prophets give their witness to it as well- and is is a righteousness that comes from G-d, through the faithfulness of Yeshua the Messiah to all who continue trusting. For it makes no difference whether one is a Jew or a Gentile, since all have sinned  and come short of earning G-d's praise. By G-ds Grace, without earning it, all are granted the status of being considered righteous before him, through the act redeeming is from our enslavement to sin that was accomplished by  the Messiah Yeshua."
All our righteousness before justification were tainted by sin, but after justification we are free of that taint. We cant earn G-d's love, but we have it anyways. Amazing is his grace.

Three

Hell is not unreasonable. We all have sinned. Even just once, we fall short of the perfect standard. More than that, we are just messed up imperfect people, and we just dont deserve heaven. Hell, created for the devil and his angels who rejected G-d, is the only place for us. Every sin is a rejection of G-ds laws, and if G-d created this place to send his angels to because they reject his ways, it is inly fair that he gives everyone of us the same treatment. Only a fair and loving G-d would send people to hell.

It is because G-d's wrath against all sin is real that his love is relevant. Were it not for the curse of sin and hell, Yeshua would not have needed to die. We sinners reject G-d my even existing; we consume His air and His food ususally with ungratefulness and and the assumption that we somehow deserve them. Yeshua is not dying for decent people who just went wrong. THe level of hatred we show G-d by our sin changes the comparison. let me put it this way: Yeshua was a Jew. He died to save Hitler. Hitler simply rejected that. It's the same for all of us. Yeshua not only died for unworthy people, He died for people who killed him, hated him, and reviled himWe are the people who killed him hated him and reviled him. This is G-d's love. That while we were yet sinners, Yeshua Died for us.

Yes G-d loves us, But not with a pandering love, but with a perfecting love. He is not pouring wrath out lavish love on the world, at least not the way humans think of love. G-ds anger and are signs of his love, that he would make us perfect and offer us a way to perfection that we are not capable of and reject on our own. Unless you have real Justice and wrath, the concept of G-d's love is robbed of its meaning and importance.

Six

Righteousness works. The bible outlines G-ds standard of perfection. The old testament outlines both a socio-political order for the specific culture of the time (the Ancient Hebrews) as well as a master list of laws form living. From money to cleanliness to diet to interpersonal interaction. Yeshua further defines these laws, taking them beyond action and challenging them down the the heart of every individual. THeology aside for a moment, the laws of G-d and Yeshua work. Not even in a miraculous way, necessarily. Man age your money according to biblical rules and It will grow. Righteous parenting rears godly children, G-d Centered ideology brings strong culture. G-d’s laws lead logically to beneficial results.

Yet the bible is more than a pragmatic rulebook. Many evangelical leaders look at the bible with such rosy glasses on, and produce lists and collections of pragmatic ideals that ignore the sinful reality of the world. “Ten steps to a better family”. “G-d’s way to get wealthy.” “Defeat seven stresses that cause your unhealthiness”. “The 49 words of Christ that lead to success.” Scripture never promises success and prosperity. In fact Yeshua said “In this world you will have problems.” THis pragmatic view of christianity leads to many of the false converts in the world. They are taught to believe that if they live a certain way then bad things wont happen, but this just isn’t true.

Yes, if the world followed the righteousness of scripture, then there would be no bad things, but the world actively rejects righteousness. Even if we could all put on a facade and act godly for a day, evil is bound up in the heart of a man. Men dislike righteousness so they moralize the ideas of abortion, banning prayer in schools, Self esteem, homosexuality, and the unbiblical construction of family.

Christians are commanded to walk in righteousness and be perfect. But it is more than a command. Evil is bound up in the heart of a man. Even after redemption, repentance and salvation, every christian still does evil. Remember that no amount of righteousness can earn the perfect approval of G-d because there is still evil inside that brings about that element of imperfection. We will never be righteous enough to earn the easy life that righteousness would bring. We will never be perfect enough to earn salvation. It is not possible.

See, being striving for righteounsess for these reasons are inherently self serving. “I am holy so I will be saved,” or “So I will be prosperous.” Such righteousness is only further tainted by evil selfish desire. Instead, the Christian should pursue righteousness out of a hatred for evil. We see that our evil causes the hardships of the world. We see that id causes separation from the only source of good; the perfect G-d of heaven. The repentant believer turns from sin out of love and desire for the Savior, and Hatred of the sin that killed that Savior and is killing this world.

Seven

Beware the "outpouring of the spirit". Yeshua promised the spirit of his presence to all believers. The event of Pentecost brought the fullness of that spirit too the believers, but was a unique event, and is and will always be a unique moment in church history. In Acts 10, peter does not instruct gentiles to seek a second experience after salvation because they received the fulness of the spirit the moment they believed (10:44).
All instances in the scripture of healing and speaking in tongues were specific. At pentecost, the disciples spoke clear languages. There is no point in scripture where speaking in tongues is defined as unintelligible babbling, and no place do the disciples heal indescriminantly. There were specific times and specific places for these gifts, and Paul even further limits the use of these gifts. 1 Corintians 12-14 was written to those who had those gifts at that time and used them improperly. Such gifts were temporary. 1 Cor 13 8-10 are pretty clear that upon the completion of the new testament canonization (the "Completeion") all of the gifts, which were partial anyways, would be done away with.

The fact is that high emotional experiences, "slayings in the spirit", speaking in tongues and healings do happen, but not just within christianity. Mormons rely heavily on the emotional outpourings of "the spirit". Muslims, Buddhists, and New age atheists all report people with the ability to heal and speak in "tongues". The fact is that G-d cannot be defined by these events, because the pagans have experiences so similar that they are frankly undifferentiated and indistinguishable from their christian counterparts. If these things were of G-d, then there should be a noticeable difference in the outcomes and processes of these occurrences, "avoid the appearance of evil".
This is not to say that the spirit cannot or does not act in the supernatural. But the expectation, even necessity that the modern pentecostal movement places on such gifts and events is borderline heretical. G-d doesn't change. His presence never changes. Having a moment during worship where you feel closer to Him is not his movement or the movement of the unchangeable  Holy Spirit, it is a movement of the human heart, which is "deceitfully wicked". Defining G-d in any way by the emotional expiriences of the human heart is the same concept as secular dating; "I'm going to love this person because they make me feel good and like me."

Eight

People love themselves. If the didn't, they wouldn't complain about how bad their lives were. Because people love themselves naturally, they reject bad times, which from G-d perspective, they deserve. G-d sees us all as wretched and pathetic, which we are. All good things in life are blessings from G-d that we do not deserve. We are sinners at the mercy of an infinitely loving G-d. All of our hardships and pains are the result of the flesh and sin nature that He has provided freedom from.

May 17th A photo of you in costume

May 16th A photo of you at the last party you went to

May 14th A photo of one of your favourite family members

Can this be done now?

I'm coming to realize that my high school experience was normal. Yes, i know the saying here is no such thing, yadda, yadda; the point is, that compared to many homeschoolers, especially the ones at verity, I had a highschool experience that was closer to that of a public schooler. I'm not going to go into alot of explaining of what that entails, but I will admit most of it wasn't good or healthy. The advantage this brought me was that by the time I reached Verity, I had already gone through most of those social phases.

Another factor of my personality that is somewhat well documented is my general emotional state. Alot of things don't effect me on an emotional level the same as others. This is true for everyone, but in my case, the only real emotions i keep track of are, unfortunately, romantic ones. I want an adult relationship. I nearly had one before verity, and the aftermath has left my heart seeking to fill that void. I am trying to fill it with G-d and my parents until the right person comes along, but its not always in my control. Those being the strongest emotions i have, they are the ones i express most to the people I care about.

The people i trust most hear alot about my heart, and thus, think those emotions are a big deal to me. They are not, by choice. But, again, becuase they are the easiest for me to express, i talk about them alot giving a much grander summation of their value to me than is real. To put it simply, people i know think l like specific people way more or less than i really do because i talk about them alot. I know that because i want an adult relationship, every other person i have an interest in is really of no significance. But as those meotions are there, i share them to help myself deal with and get over them. This practice existed before Verity, but it was not well used, and caused me problems.

Enter Verity. I, in this situation of finding myself drawn to some people, express those emotions to people i trust, thinking that they, like me, have moved beyond highschool emotionally. To reiterate, those people I have chosen to share with take what I have been saying as a much bigger deal to me than it is. Some of them have moved beyond highschool, and they are helpful. Others have not. These others, who think that its very entertaining to spread around, or think i need help, share those overstuffed emotions with other people, who also have a highschoolish mentality. Thus, everything becomes a big deal.

I don't like big deals. Not when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

I'm not saying im more mature than anyone else. Believe me, I'm still deal with alot of "teenage" issues. I'll admit, i probably still have to develop my idea of who (and how many people) i can trust. I aware that I probably share some of the wrong things too freely sometimes. I could use some growing in that area. But even so, my flaws could be overcome if others would help me and themselves by growing up and not causing "big deals".

I'm done with Verity now, and my life before verity is pretty much gone, so at this point I suppose I can start anew. A big part of me is really ready to be done with childhood, and I feel like I'm finally leaving it behind. There is some carnage in the wake of my growing pains, but hopefully everyone else will forget or move past those blocks of rubble, just like i have.



When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, argued like a child; now that i have become a man, I have finished childish ways.

May 13th A photo of a group of your friends