Laura's Recurring Nightmare.

I've always been able to express my thoughts pretty well in writing. Not accounting for typing skills, which produce a fair ammount of typos in many of my articles, I've been given the gift of communication this way. I'm realizing as time goes on that a person can only communicate their realized ideas. I can communicate my thoughts, and writing is a medium I have used to translate emotions into thoughts.
Emotions, to me, are simply thoughts that don't come with words or concepts. Thus learning how to express emotions is a useful skill. Writing has been that skill for me, to a certain extent. When something bothers be or excites me, I write it down and those emotions translate into logical thoughts. The problem is that not all emotions are available to the conscious mind.
I'm not sure how this compares with the experience of others, but I have recurring dreams. Regularly. Since I was seventeen I have been aware of the connection between my dreams and emotions I am unable to express. When I'm under a deeper emotional stress, I dream about it, I believe, because my conscious mind is either unaware of the effects of that stress, or is unable to express it. When i say deeper emotional stress, I don't mean daily life stress. From my understanding, the type of stress that influences my dreams is often a singular event that impacts my life.
For example, the reason and inspiration for this article, as noted by the title. My desire to write about this (again) is because its been about a year since i stopped having "Laura's Recurring Nightmare" as I call it. Many of my dreams are recurrent, especially the ones that have a big impact on me. Usually if a dream represents something important enough to be recurrent, its a nightmare.
In June of last year I got an email saying that Laura, the young woman i had been intending on marrying, wanted to end any friendship that we had. Without going into more detail on this well worn story, I never really was told why or given any reason for this. One week things were fine, more than fine you could say, the next week my heart had been ripped away. The same night as that email, a series of dreams began which I later took to calling "Laura's Recurring Nightmare". Not much for creativity on that one, I know.
The dream itself was actually rather simple. I woke up more times than i can count screaming and crying "WHY??!" Not nessesarily verbally screaming, but in my mind. That was the dream. No images, nothing going on, just me screaming in "WHY?!" in my dream (once or twice outloud, in my sleep I was later informed). THe emotional pain that went with those screams I can still remember. I remember the devastation in my heart.
I mention that, not because I still have those dreams or feel that pain; like I said its been nearly a year since that dream has stopped recurring. What makes that dream interesting to me is that outside of the recurring dream and pain therein, there was no other manifestation of this emotion in my life. Less that a month after I got that email, I was back at school, living my life normally. During my waking hours, I was fine. I was shocked at how quickly I had recovered from the heartbreak, but my dreams told a different story. The only time I had any noticeable reaction to the loss was in my sleep, where my emotions, the ones I couldn't express and didn't even know were there during the day, came out violently. It was the only emotion i really had, and I couldn't feel it any other way. Overtime I stopped feeling altogether, and became a hateful jerk to my classmates, which eventually led me to leave school because I couldn't handle it.
Once again, the dreams I have that stay with me are representations of things I can't express any other way. Perhaps now I can verbally explain the depth of "Laura's Recurrent", but at the time it was lost on me. Now I am in the midst of another series of recurrent dreams. These are not nightmares.
Recently the dream has been of Laura again. My waking mind hardly ever thinks about her, or what happened last year. I know that I would probbably ignore her and many of the friends that are associated with her if we were to meet again. Things will never go back. I don't want Laura ever again, but I want reclamation of the memories we had. But once again, my dreams tell a different story that my waking emotions.
In the new dream, I see her in a place that is familiar. INCH, Verity, Ren Fair, Horrocks, and other such places of "importance". Its just a moment, but i see her, just her face, and I say "I'm sorry." I'm not sure if I really am sorry, or just want there to be some kind of reconciliation in the dream, but thats what happens. What do I make of it? I'm not sure. My logical, waking mind can't process it in any coherent way. But its what the dream is. Maybe in a few months I'll understand.
Links to previous posts about my dreams and nightmares (Cir. 2008):
The Meaning of Dreams
Oneirophobia
*Note, these are very childish and badly written posts, but they are examples of past recurrent dreams.

Things I collect or want to collect.

A great guide for gift buying and just general information about me. In no kind of order:

1. Guns:  The saying for me is "One Gun a year till Im 30. (since I have been old enough to own them)" So far I have kept to this: My Glock for my 18th Year, My Sig for my 19th year... Its this 20th thats becoming a problem. With Israel Trips, College, travel, and other expenses, finding a Firearm i can afford and want this year has been tough. Whats made it harder is that, even though I've found one, a Navy black powder .44, I havent been able to locate one. I have two more months. 



2. Hats: 
   This collection is Limited to a few spesific kinds of hats that i like. Fedoras, Drover Hats, Bandanas, and skull caps that aren't decorated. I love my hats, the few that I have, and I hope to continue to make good use out of them for many years.




3. Knives: 
   Another fairly obvious one for anyone who knows me at all. I don't collect indiscriminately here; not all knives are equal. If you know know enough about knives to know what I'd like, dont get one for me.




4. Notebooks
   This is a collection with a singular Purpose. All of my notebooks are either used or going to be used one day in the form of letters. Letters to my Wife, children, and myself. I collect them almost indescriminately, As long as they look nice and have some quality.




5. Funny Pictures
   Pretty Self Explanatory




6. Tshirts/ Scrubs/ Vests
   My clothing selection is nerdy and eccentric. I have so many different styles, from the hats, colors, scrubs, toe shoes, vests




7. Israel stuff
   This is possibly the most expensive of my collections, as it Requires a trip to Israel every time. I have potteryshards, lamps, rocks, jewelry, certificates, bullets. These mean alot to me as Israel is very much on my heart.




8. Camera Equipment
   I have had alot of cameras. There is never really an end to the amount of equipment one can get for a camera. I love getting video and Pictures of my world, to aide my memory. Lenses, pods, flashes, video stuff, and even software are all a part of this process.




9. Swords
   I'm listing this as a separate entity from knives, cause these are a class in and of themselves. I have bought and sold swords since i was 16, making this one of my older collections.




10. Jewelry
    This is pretty limited to Necklaces, rings and masculine bracelets, obviously. Its a limited collection, but I rotate thru the things I have. I'm guessing when i get my Navy Tags, that will replace any necklaces i wear.


11. Hororable Mentions: Costumes, Fake Credit Cards, Stuffed Animals, Thomas the Tank Engine.

I don't know how long I have left...

Before I ship out with the Navy. Things are low going, But I'm ok with that. It gives me some time to do things I want to do while i'm still young. It's odd that I consider this part of my sanctification.
To recap; sanctification, according to the bible, is the process where, over time, a person who has been redeemed learns what holiness and righteousness are as they are made more and more aware of their sin by the work of the Ruach Ha'Kodesh (Holy Spirit).
I see some of my sins, things I do that I have always known are wrong, and things that I have recently become convicted about. I still fall into sin sometimes, and hate myself after. Repentance for habitual sins of selfishness and the like is not easy. Every morning I see how things could go. I remind myself that Yeshua died for me knowing that i would fall into those sins, and that thought makes me want to do better.
One of the things I have become convicted about is my time managment and discipline. I know i waste time, not only being idle, but doing things that are harmful, and entertaining myself with stuff that isn't right. Tv shows are a big falling point for me. I hate them, but i spend hours a day watching them, knowing they blaspheme the name of the one who gave me life. I sleep in way too late, because I keep myself awake way to late. I only have this moment this one time, and I hate wasting them.
I could spend that time reading and praying, which I desperately want to do. I could spend that time working out, and maintaining this body I've been given (another conviction of mine is my diet and health, which are very far below where I feel they should be before G-d). I could spend that time doing the things I want to do.
I wish I could spend all day reading, studying, dancing, working out and training. But i dont have the discipline. I get lazy and bored. I want to study the scriptures, to know my G-d. I want to Learn hebrew. I want to lear to dance. I want to study Martial Arts again. I want to jorunal, writing letters to my future wife and children. With a passion I desire these things. Right now the thing in my way is my own sloth.
Oh, Adonai! There is none like you. So many wonderful things you have created and put before me. ME! I'm the lowest of your creatures, the most pathetic person i can think of, and yet you have given me such great opportunities and gifts. No gift Greater than your Son, Yeshua, through whom you see me, not as pathetic, but as everything I wish I was.
My sins and flaws are so high, like walls around me, holding me in, keeping me from being what I wish I could be for you. I hate these sins that once separated me from you. I want to show how great you are, but all I know is evil. But you don't see me through that sin and evil any longer. Free me from the walls of my sin, Father. Lift me out of them, and life me up so I can glorify you.
G-d, you have provided so much for me. You have given me my passion back. My dreams that have been gone from me so long now come flooding back, and they are all desires for you! I want to move again. You have given me a job, and parents who are nothing short of amazing. Car, Camera, Computer... All things I have that i shouldn't. Thank you, G-d.
For all the things you have given me the desire to do, just help me move towards them. My heart is full of desire for man things. So many things I want and need, and I trust you to be smart enough to know which is which, and to give me what you know I need.
Let my life be to your glory. Let my body and works be a tool for your kingdom, shining Your light of glory. May my actions be such that I am unseen, but you are made obvious to all who bear witness.

Job Interviews (My resume makes me sound adventurous, aparently))

Interviewer: So it says on your resume that you worked in your State Representatives office?

Me: Yes...

Interviewer: Ok. Your first job was in a gourmet restaurant?

Me: Yes...

Interviewer: It says here that you just graduated from college... in a year and a half, wow!

Me: Yeah...

Interviewer: What have you been doing since then?

Me: Well, I spent a month in Israel, volunteering in a Hospital and traveling the country.

Interviewer: Wow!

Long Pause

Interviewer: You do know this is an entry-level, minimum wage position, right? Not really adventurous or exciting.

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: You seem a little.. Overqualified.

Me: *Headbash*