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Segment 1: A Singularity
Evolutionary scientists theorize that the whole universe was created by a series of interconnected events over millions of years. According to theory, the first of these events caused an inevitable chain reaction that would inevitably cause the completion of human kind. In other words, one solitary random occurrence set something in motion, and because the first thing happened, everything had no choice but to happen. That first event is called a singularity. There are theories about singularities almost as proliferant as the many scienses that profess them.
In the Terminator Movie series, as well as the new TV show "The Sarah Connor Chronicles", the charachters fight to prevent a Technological signularity: one event that will casue a chain of events, bringing about a compter system that will destroy the world. Stop the Singularity, Stop the chain of events.
I believe life is a combination of Sigularities, signle desisions that begin chain reactions of events that shape the course of our lives. It is throug these singularitites theat God shows us how intimately he knows us. I could go into some length explaining how the idea of a singularity fits in with the Destiny vs. free will debates, but thats not somehitng i choose to go into.
As much (or little) sence as the idea of a singularity makes, there are a few issues that have to be faced. For example, even a sigularity has circumstances. Even a little event that casues a chain has to be caused itself. No desicion is independant, and relies on make choices made before. So this begs the question; can a singularity actualy exist if it relies on other choices. I suppose the difference between a solitary event casued by situation and a singularity, si that while bothe rely on previous desicions, a singularity will determine the outcome of the events and choices that follow it.
All of that to bring up the question; It there one event or choice that can define a persons life? I knwo the Church kids will say its coming to Christ, but being realistic, after that desision, a person can still do dumb things and mess up their life. There are major desisions that change things, of course. Lets look at someitng more speifically say a person is on a bad path in life that they cannot get off. Is that person on that path becasue of a single choice made long ago that doomed them to walk this path? Again we are venturing near the free will debate
Let us contemplate this for ourselves. If a person could trace theri life, the way things are, back to a single, root cause desision, a singularity, what would they think of thet desision? If we think of every moment as a a singularity, sending us down a road that cannot be avoided, would we take them differently?

Segment 2: Downswing
While I am able to remember faces of nearly everyone I see, my personality of the past few years makes the likelihood of people knowing me in return slim. Its an unsusual situation. Generally my personality doesnt lead me towards being an oberver, but on the other hand I dont find myself mixing with alot of the cliques that invarriably form. I'm a people person of a sort. I crace social interaction, but i dont seem to stay within a social circle or gorup for vary long. Alot of people know me, but I wouldnt say im in their clique.
I was talking to another freind of mine who doesnt find herself being as exclusive in her friendships. However she is on the opposite end of the clique jumper spectrum. She finds that she doenst see the clicques as much bet only becasue she is generally accepted into all of them, where I dont feel as I really belong to any group of friends. The difference is in temrtament.
I've realized that the past few years ahve seen me become alot harder and darker in my social temprament. I'm ot exactly sure as to the root casue of this change in social outlook, but it has become an irrevocable part of my personality. I am the "dark outsider" alot of people know who i am, but they dont know what to make of me, so while they consider me a friend and i consider them one, i dont form a part of their circle. Then there are those, like some from my old church, the either wont acknowledge that they know me, or dont like me.
I ave realized, that why the situation i am in socially is awkward, it doesnt bother me. As unnatural as it is to me and my personaity to be separated from people this way, I find myself actually liking the social interaction i have. I enjoy the reverse social action in a way that I dont really get. Perhaps its just that I get so little interaction, that even the shallow, disjointed interaction that I get is enough of an emotional upswing.
Therein lies another issue: The Upswing. My emotions and even my physical wellbeing is connected to my social contentment. Wen i go to events liek the Davis's Harvest Party, or the Demass's Events, and even SSI, it creates an emotional upswing in how much I enjoy being around people I at least get along with. The Downside to that is spesifically that: the down. An emotional upswing will inevitably produce an emotional downswing.

Segment 3: Character Introduction: Jason and Dannielle
As soon as he saw his sister’s face, Jason realized how little he had seen or heard form his sister since they came here. As she looked at him guilt welled up in he chest. “Hey, Day.”
Day shyly smiled. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” Jason moved over to make more room to sit on his bed. “What’s up, Day?” He asked as she sat down next to him.
“Nothing," Her voice was quiet, and touched Jason deep in his chest, the same as it always had, "I just feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever.”
“Yes,” Jason agreed, regret filling his throat. “We have done a grand job of being to preoccupied to be a family, haven’t we?”
She nodded.
Jason put his arm around Day’s shoulder. “We’ll have to try harder at that.”
“Well, I understand why we haven’t talked a lot." Her voice was sincere, but obviously she wasn't happy about it. "You’ve been busy. You’ve spent a lot more time with Regimund lately. And then there’s your work with Leon in the forge. There’s Anna too. I can tell you have feelings for her.”
Jason was shocked and slightly embarrassed as his sister’s insight. Aaron was bad enough, but his own little sister. That was too annoying. He smiled anyway. “What makes you think that?”
“Come on, Jason. It was obvious you felt something from the first moment you saw her. You do well at hiding it but I can read your mind. I’ll bet she’s on your mind a lot to.”
Jason smiled to himself. He had to admit his sister read him better than he gave her credit for. “You may be right. But nothing will ever come of it. She could never feel the same.”
“Why not?" Day looked into his eyes deeply. "She isn't very different from how I was after Dad and Kerr...” her voice throbbed for a moment when she said their brother's name. "Except she doesn't have a brother. Whether you are meant to act on you feelings for her, or not, she does need someone to be close to her. Its not something to be explained simply. Its a woman thing."
Jason laughed lightly. "I have been having the same thoughts. And its not so much a woman thing, I don't think," a little distance came into Jason's eyes as he looked at the floor. "Its more of a pain thing. Kari has the same... problem. For a while I was worried about my proximity to her, but since Aaron came thats been a little easier."
Day listened silently, leaning against her brother and eventually settling down into his chest. She looked a bit worried for a second. "You know. This isn't actually what I came here to talk about." She hesitated, rolling her next words around in her mouth. "I just wanted to remind you... I just didn't want you to forget"
"Your birthday next week," Jason finished smiling and filling the tiniest bit proud.
Day giggled and wormed her way out of his arms. "Don't you dare forget." She she said with a smile before darting through the door.


Segment 4: Heroes
Stare in wonder, who's here to bring you down?
Find your martyr, I'm sure you've made the crown
So light a fire under my bones, so when
I die for you, at least I'll die alone

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

Dark devotion in a beacon paradise
Shows no emotion to a willing sacrifice
You can put a man on trial, but you can't make the guilty pay
And you can cage an animal, but you can't take away the rage

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on
They're all dead and gone

Surrender

Segment 1: Choices







Segment 2: Life
I have come to understand that I am no good at at life. I have been living for 17.5 years now, and as i get older, it becomes harder and harder to be a person who reflects the person i think I'm supposed to be, by peoples standards, by my family's standards, and by my own standards. Its like i an incapable of being a whole, real person, on my own or with others. I'm disjointed and i hate it. That is shown by the faces, stories, lies, and unexplained realities that everyone knows about me, in comparison with t he unusual feature of my real self that is completely miserable and confused about its own identity. In short i have no idea what or who i am.
Every decision i have made, every choice over the last few years that i can think of has caused an inordinate amount of stress, anger, confusion, and all other kinds of problems. I try to live, but i fail at it. I'm not really good at much other than chronicling my own feelings, which usually change to frequently to be worth interpretation. I make choices that affect my life, but time after time i choose to do the thing that is going to turn out worst in the end. From College, to Friendships.
Being so poor at living, i have decided to give up. Life isn't my strong suit, so i quit. I'm done living. I surrender. This isn't a suicide note, so don't freak out. This is just my way of explaining things. Honestly this isn't out of depression either. Its reality. I don't think I have been this indifferent about anything in my whole life. Ordinarily i wouldn't even bother posting something like this for two reasons: i just don't care about this move in my "life", and i dont want to deal with the reactiosn of most of my readers.
I'm Breaking that protocall becasue this may become inportant to remember, so im chronicling it. Also this may have ramifications to which someoen might be interested, thought i doubt it.
In giving up on life, I also am shutting down my Social "Outboard Motor" (ask me yourself for an explination of that metaphore). In simple terms it means i wont be seeking any form of social interaction anymore. If it comes to me, sure, ill take it. For example the Davis's Harvest party. My parents are going, and im sure they expect me to go, so i will go and socialize, but if i had to arrange my own way there, i wouldn't go.
The reason for this si simply that i have gown tired of most people. I can name a few exceptions, but generallyt hat is the case. It's not because of people, its mostly myself. I can't seem to hold a real live friendship anymore without some form of fake bravado or lie to cover how much i really hate myself. Its not worth it anymore, at least not to me. Again i doubt the impact of this will be significant as im not the kind of person people seek to hang out with. I dont really fit with many people, and at this moment, I see that as a good thing.
In the past i woudlnt have made such a social policy "public" but as my readership has all but died, i dont expect many peopel will see this. I can think of three peopel who might read this, and two of them havent actually met me in person before, so to them, this really dooesnt apply. I have 6 IM accounts and i talk to two people on one of them. That about says it all i guess.

Segment 3: Stronger
A mixture of confusion and fear eminated form the many peopel who sat mumering in the church pews, forced to stay in those seats at gunpoint. These are faces he knew, but none had really ever known him. That wasnt surprising. He was tempted to scan their faces, to look through the crown for the one face he knew would be most concerned for him. He refrained. His colorless eyes pointed strait ahead, hidden behind an unorganized, yet still well kept lock of red tinted brown hair.
Words were spoke from the person standing down the asile, angry words, but he didnt hear them. They were drowned out by the tones and words of the music tha tplayed in his ear from the wires attatched to the device in his pocket. That first man, dressed in black kevlar armor and brandishing a shiny balistic weapon at him moved a little closer. That was all it took.
He didnt know exactly how far the distance between himself and the frist man was, so he was unable to be impressed at the speed in which three shots rang out. He felt the bullets fly armlessly past him as that distance closed to zero. His enteir body was in the air after a great leap, the full weight of his body, combined with the momentum of his movements were thrown into his first blow, the second, an elbow, finding its open target only a fraciton of a second later. A knife, taken from the gunmans own belt, made quick work of the veins in the gunman's neck.
The next gunman had only tiem to draw his glossy black peice before his arm was entangled in a lock, and a colision into his chest knocked him to the ground. After that he had only enough whit to feel an shoe puch his fae at an odd angle and a snap in the back of his neck, before everything was black forever.
Two. How many had there been holding these people at gunpoint? Seven? Ten? He hadn't counted, but two were dead and the rest now understood that it was time to open fire. The bullets of the two now just up the aisle of him flew past, much closer to hitting him that the first gunman's had been. Angrily, following a feral instinct, he dropped to the ground, stil rushing forward, though now with the help of his hands which clawed at the carpeted floor. Bullets tore at his shirt as the two in front of him fell amid the dlurry of his ckicks and the slashes of his stolen knife.
He was now in front of the altar of the chappel. Now all the other gunmen had a clear shot at him. His black, button down shirt gave way under the relentless spray of bullets, revealing his now bleeding chest. His eyes closed and the feral instinct now faded into his full personality as lead casings fell to the ground around him, after hitting his solid skin.
The Spray of hot metal stopped, the gunment curious and now afraid. The hostages, once his friends, watched, not curiously terrified of what he might be. His eyes opened. No longer blakc human eyes. Blue, with that dark red symbol in their centers, replacing the pupils. More victims would come... and there was no rainbow to stop him. No Alyssa. Not this time.


Segment 4: Headstrong

Circling your, circling your, circling your head,
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later
I see your fantasy, You want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, Inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide


Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re Headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away


Conclusions manifest, your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you’re full of it, and that’s alright
That’s how you play, I guess you’ll get through every night
Well now that’s over
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah) Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

Control

Segment 1: "I don't think God Wants us necessarily to be 'happy'... he wants us to love and be loved..." C.S. Lewis
Here is a thought that has been building in my mind for some time now. A thought on happiness (meaning joy). Human beings Spend he majority of their energy every day, not in physical activity, but in mental processes. Some scientist theorize that physical exertion only fatigues a person when that exertion is over thought. The same theories that apply to tiredness and fatigue typically apply to emotional status as well, at least in clinical terminology. This being said, here is my extension theory as it applies to human interaction: Generally, the more people have to think, the less happy they are.
No, i'm not making a joke. If you think about it logically, it makes sense. People who I an easier time repossessing information can maintain a level of joy in a higher stress environment. Those who's minds work a little slower, obviously would not be able to be as happy in such a high-thought environment. So far the Logic is basic.
But think about how this applies to stress in the life of the averages person. If a person is happy, this usually can be implied to relate to the number of complications in their life, family, job, etc. Complications in any situation, whether theoretical or real life, force a persons mind to process the stipulations of that complication. The more complications, the more processes required, and the more stress on the mind.
Let me give you a few real life examples. A sheltered homeschool student (i know its a stereotype, let it be) can generally maintain a happier lifestyle as long as their views of the world are unchanged. If that homeschooler were shown a bit more of the worlds true colors, that person would have to compare his viewpoint against reality, thus resulting in complications. This scenario is called "Innocence Vs. Reality". It is best explain by the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss": The less a person knows, the less they have to think and the greater chances of maintianing a happy, albeit delusional life.
Another example would be a rural person. Farmer, countryman, woodsman, redneck, call him what you will, has chosen a life that generally is without the complications of a much more "civilized" society. Generally speaking (again with a stereotype, i'm afraid) people who live in this lifestyle are considered "slow" this makes sense in keeping with the theory that those who do not process information at a high rate would be happiest in a low-thought environment.
Now to apply this. At least in my own life I know that a portion of my own unhappiness comes from an "Innocence vs. reality" complication. I was very delusional about my world until the age of about 14, when the world was shown to me in a very clear way. I have been taught well how o use my brain, though recently i have forgotten that learning, so when the ignorance of my childhood was made clear, i was able to process new information and maintain a level of happiness. But my level of function was not to match with the amount of reality i had missed.

Segment 2: Mistakes that Cost Me Someone Dear
I realized a long time ago that i wasn't happy. I'm not sure what it was, but all within the same year every aspect of my life became riddled with complications. Complications in my family, with what i believed socially and politically. Complications with friends and with Church leaders. Most Importantly Complications with who I was, which led to complications with my relationship with God. Some of these complications i was able to handle, but the sheer number of them all piled on me at the same time disabled me form processing all the information. Some complications became too hard for me and my innocence was lost, and with it, a good part of my joy.
Unhappiness for me turned to anger, which i easily hid under a practices "happy face" persona that i have only recently begun to shed. In my anger I made a long series of bad choices that i still have to deal with, both in practice and consequences. My attempt at dealing with the complications in my life, the anger, became in and of itself, my biggest complication. I hated. Pure and simple. not directed or controlled hate.. just hate. Mostly at myself, but used against everyone else as an excuse to make more mistakes.
I hated what I was becoming, but I hated enough that I could blame God for it.
Making a long story.. not quite as long. I have to make an apology to alot of people, for a lot of reasons. But firstly to a few select friends. I am I liar. i have lied alot, mostly to the people who are most important to me. I have said things about myself that aren't true, building stories and facts and a past that shows me to be a completely different person that who I am. I wish now I could have been honest. These lies, that have become so habitual, have cost me some very dear friends.
Why would i lie most to the people who i felt i could trust most? I didn't really understand it myself for a while, and i hated that i did it, but I couldn't stop. Finally as "the truth was finding me out" i began to understand with t he help of my parents, that I was so completely unhappy with myself and who I was that i needed to replace the parts of myself that i hates with a me that seemed to fit the anger that i felt. The lies weren't even edifying to myself. To most of you, this apology does not apply.
After losing almost everything that supported my lies, and in the process some things that were genuinely good for me, I am struggling back to who God wants me to be again. I Don't really know if i'm going to be happy until i'm with God, but then thats the point, isn't it. We made this unhappy world for ourselves, and God in his mercy created for us a place where we could be happy. Now I know thats where i'm headed... and that makes me Happy
Segment 3: A Fictional Narrative: The Face In a Dream
Her eyes were pale green circles that absorbed all the details of the room despite the darkness that would blind most any other person. A single tear issued form one eye down an smooth cheek, disappearing into the darkness thereafter. In such pitch darkness the color of her hair didn't matter much. Indeed her hair was her most noticeable feature, in direct sun almost golden, but otherwise a brown tone with red hints among its glossy waves. She had seen more than one person get lost just looking at her hair, however short in may have been. But now she was glad no one could see it, as the task at hand was to remain inconspicuous among the shadows. She was watching him, as always, protecting him and being with him. Naturally she was not a person that took to the background to this degree, but he needed her to be there, waiting to help him, and otherwise unseen.
At this moment, however, her will to stay in the shadows was torn. She could feel an unforgeable rage in him subside, or rather change seamlessly into a pull or twisting anguish and regret. She had always been able to feel what he felt, even as he did, to know in the pit of her stomach the gist of his emotions, intent, and even the feel of his thoughts. It was with those thoughts that he screamed for her now in his own pain filled way
A Feral snarl echoed in his throat, almost like a liquid sound issuing from him. A shining liquid dripped from him onto the cold, pointless lump on the floor, form his hands and his mouth. is had given his lips and teeth a glossy sheen. The snarl changed into a roar, sounding more lion in is volume than human. He felt her move with his sixth, unexplained sense. she was at his side, her hands in his back, the contact immediately soothing as she whispered words of their language to herself, hoping the magic would calm him. It did.
The unusual ability they shared to feel whenever anything moved around them, to see it or sense it, was one of the many attributes that only they understood. He could feel now the muscles of her face move, and he was able to visualize her face, its soft features forming the same love and compassion he felt from her heart. He finally looked into her eyes as they shared wordless conversation through their shared emotions. She consoled him, letting her love for him overwhelm the despair she felt so strongly from him over the control he had lost. That loss which had resulted in another lifeless victim who lay at his feet.
Each new victim tore at him. He longed to control this power but he so often failed. Too often. But with each failure she stood by him, not daunted by the mistakes. Her strength had pulled him through. The mistakes she had made in the past guided her as she helped him survive his own.
But that had been a time ago. She was gone now. The very things he had done not to lose her were the cause of this painful separation. But never again would he lose it. His control was his own. Thanks to her. Thanks to Alyssa.


Segment 4: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...



'cause I don't want you to know where I am

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.



I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.



I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.



I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.



And I can't let that happen again

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



So sorry for the person I became.

So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.