I'll be the first to admit that I have a lot of growing to do. There are a lot of flaws in my character that I just cannot accept, but change comes slowly to me. My memory is poor, I never explain something the same way twice, and I speak from my emotions. These three flaws all factor together, and have led people to think that I am two sided, or that I lie. Perhaps in effect I do lie, but that is never my intent, nor do I even realize I do it. I forget details that others find important, and when I do remember them, I wont remember them necessarily in context or in a consistent manner. I can say one thing to one person in a good mood, and the same thing to another person in a bad mood, and because I speak from my emotions, the two people can see a very different result of what is, to me, a consistent concept. If that makes me untrustworthy, then I will admit to it. These factors are the character flaws that, when combined with selfish fear of losing people and a kind of masochistic self preservation, are the cause of failed friendships.
In spite of these immaturities, I have felt ready to move on with my life for more than four years now. Whether I truly was ready to take the next step in my life or not is questionable, but the point remains, I have wanted to be in college, and even more so out of college since before the time I turned sixteen. My high school years were spent reaching out for higher education opportunities. College is what I wanted and what I sought after. But more than that I wanted to get beyond college. The end goal was to begin my “adult life” with careers, family, house, etc. College was, and still is, merely a step towards what I really feel drawn to.
I started looking at small colleges, like Bryan, Huntington, And GLCC, until at a Home school Conference, Patrick Henry Came across my view. In my mind PHC was not a “small college” but rather a college for people who shared my specific dreams in a very real way. I applied when I was seventeen, was accepted, and began distance classes in January of 2008.
Patrick Henry appeared perfect for me: an intense academic program for the civic-minded Judeo-Christian young person. The professors were experts in fields I still love; and students are often placed into jobs and internships while in school that are specifically oriented to jumpstart the sort of career I feel called into. It fit so well.
I was almost sure that PHC was where God wanted me. I became attached to the idea of being there. When God closed that door, it hurt. It had felt so right for me to be there, and suddenly the dream I had formed and become attached to was torn away. Less than a year later, after forming a similar, stronger attachment to Hillsdale college, which suited my desires even better than PHC, a door was again closed in my face, and what I had grow to believe were Gods plans for me stung.
While both Hillsdale and PHC had suited certain desires and needs, neither was perfect for me. I had been willing to accept that. Alas, in my vision, because those paths had seemed so right at the time, I had forgotten what parts of my heart they wouldn’t have fulfilled. I had accepted that College would take a long time while dragging my in dept in the process.
With a broken spirit, shortly after turning nineteen and with the feeling of hopelessness after wasting two years on dead ends, my mother mentioned Verity in passing in the beginning of December 2009. Literally overnight, all the necessary plans fell into place, and by January 4, 2010.
While PHC and Hillsdale had provided opportunities and seemed right, they were not going to fulfill the true desires I had for college, ones that I had not taken seriously. From the pain of having two good looking doors closed in my face, God brought me to a place that fulfilled not only the need for college, but the desire to move forward faster towards my adult life; towards the next step.
My parents bought me a car to go down to Verity. A Saturn L300. It would be my first car. I had driven another car regularly, but the Buick was a hand me down from other people we knew. It had been my car, but it wasn’t brought into our family for me. There was something about the nature of the Saturn, the reason it had been purchased, that made it feel personal. I fell in love with that car very quickly. It was mine. It suited me, it drove the way I liked to drive, and it looked wonderful.
There as been a small dream in me since I was old enough to understand what cars were what. I think most guys have a dream like this. I never wanted a Ferrari or a Mercedes, or even a Mustang. Those seemed too much car for me. I wanted something that was moderately powerful, looked good, but was simpler than other sports cars, and something I could put a little work into over time. A Camero was often the image I carried in my mind.
Understand, I am not a car person. I was happy with an old Buick. I don’t really care in the end what I drive, as long as it is reliable. When I say I wanted a car, it was never something I really took seriously. It was a passing fancy and a desire I could have lived my life without.
I really loved my Saturn, for whatever reason. When it died, probably because of my own poor automotive conduct, I was really upset. Admittedly a lot had been going wrong that week, and the death of something I had become attached to hit me harder than I was ready for. Something God had given, and I had been so grateful for was removed forcibly from my life and I couldn’t do anything about it.
But God was good. I had needed something; a new vehicle. Not only did God provide me with what I needed, but He also remembered that little, insignificant, meaningless desire that I had had somewhere in the back of my heart. My Firebird is not new, but the engine inside of it is. It needs work in small areas that can be done over time. It runs beautifully, but has the power to be imposing on the road. It isn’t only what I needed, but its what I wanted.
From the ashes of pain God has brought me more than I had needed. God is my protector; why should I be afraid of pain when I know that he has something better on the other side. God is my provider; He satisfies my needs and wants in the best possible way. God is my father; He indulges my pointless wishes in ways I can’t imagine.
I am not afraid of whatever hardships come to me in the future. Every struggle in my life so far has brought me more joy on the other side, both in small ways and in big ways.
When something I love is taken away from me, it still hurts, but God is on the other side waiting with something better. The exiting part is seeing how He will bring about his blessings. Without the pain of loss, the joy of blessings cannot come. No matter what I lose, He will grant more. If more hardships and losses are to come for me, then I will accept them and grow; for my god is greater.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world!” –Jesus, John 16:33
