Anymore

Segment 1: Transform
Its no big secret that, as a general principle, i cannot stand people in my own age group. Granted there are exceptions, but as I don't make a practice of Judging people in groups, exceptions are bound to happen. It is not contradictory to say that i "don't like people my age" then to say that I don't judge people in groups, as it might seem. A general characteristic that is overlayed on my generation, is the sheep-like, cookie cutter mentality that public schools generate. The fact is I can judge a good portion of the population, without ever meeting them, because they are trained to be clones of one another. Teenagers are sheep, they follow each other around.
One of the most common "issues" among my age group, is authority. Teens on the whole continually shout for "independence", they want to be treated as adults who are unique and individual people. They want to be able to choose for themselves who they are going to be, to make their own identities, which they usually model after their friends. In simple terms, the sheep want to be free to follow each other around pointlessly.
In an attempt to gain their individual identity by force, young people have begun forming their own subcultures, specifically designed to be different from one another. The Jock, the nerd, the em, the goth, the prep, whatever it may be, are all expressions of either blind conformity or ignorant conformity. Blind conformity is exactly what its name suggests, an unknown, automatic acceptance that everyone is supposed to be the same, and the adjustment to become like everyone else. Ignorant, or reverse conformity is when a person seeks to be different, and thus changes who they are to counteract what they see as "the norm". The argument is that a person can only be unique if they aren't like anyone else. While the idea itself may be wrong, it isn't the cause of their conformity. They say that they are unique because they are different, but they have modeled themselves as opposites, allowing what they don't want to be to shape what they are. A person who changes their body, act differently on purpose, or accomplishes something for the sole reason of being different, has allowed something to shape them, and they are not being who they are. Conformity, for this article, will be defined as allowing something to shape or mold you to a specific way that is not your true or original form.
Sociology defines Socialization as "the process by which a persons identity and personality are formed". What a truly devastating prospect that is. The entirety of who we are is circumstantial? Perhaps there is truth in that if i had different friends, or had gone to public school, i would be a very different person, but would I not still be the fun-loving, emotionally dramatic, generally weird, pleasantly creepy person I am? Whether or not the sociological truth of socialization is true or not is debatable; however, because of its common use, it seems that society believes it. I am who I am because of where I am.
This is a very humanistic, evolutionist idea, which perhaps explains why so many people subscribe to it. Because if it is true, the there is no such thing as true individuality, there is only adaption, and we are all various forms of the same animal. How very sad.
Now one might think, due to my abhorrence of the Public education/Liberal, Government sponsored indoctrination system, that I blame the Public Schools for the development of carbon copy people. It is logical to assume this, as the process of mass producing education can only result in mass producing minds that are all very similar and do not know how to truly find themselves. I would say that people taught to think, but in fact they are: they are taught how to think and what to think, and any person who thinks differently, or disagrees with the common thought is intolerant, and therefore should not be tolerated. But I digress.
Here is a simple fact about me and my political ideas. I don't blame the public schools for anything. The are merely and extension of the federal and state governments, who I also do not blame for anything. I'll say that again: I do not blame the government for anything. You see, I believe that the government, state, federal, or local, is not America. The people are America, and the people truly control the country. This is the foundational idea behind my personal political ideology. Any problem in America is the responsibility of its people, not its government. The problem is that the people of America have become lazy and apathetic.
We complain about the government, Blaming our problems on it, But we forget that we are the foundation of this nation, and have passed our responsibilities to a governing body we created, originally, to serve us. See the flaw? We give our national problems tot he government, for them to fix, even though we blame the government for causing them. This is a sign of a weak minded and lazy citizenry.
We created Public education, so that everyone could be educated to the same common level for free, so they never have to learn the difficulty that learning really is, because we were just to lazy to force ourselves to be educated the hard way. The nation that was founded on the desire and work brave men to become independent, now relies on a social system built on common conformity and dependence on a government to socialize and educate the individuality right out of us.

Segment 2: Help

"Never ask customer services or tech support if you are being an idiot, the answer violates their 'friendliness policy'"

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds."

"I am good at everything... Except birthing babies" Tim Hunt

Segment 3:
http://www.gsnt.org/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3R7wNyrWCA&feature=channel_page

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G725c8If_k4

Segment 4: Driven
This past week or two have been very simple for me, yet at the same time i have had to face things i wasn't ready for. Typically my worries are present and material, meaning they are worries about what is happening now and what is going wrong. The lack of activity over the past twelve days for me was very relaxing, but it gave me time to contemplate and analyse things that I hadn't really expected to.
Every few months i will look in the mirror and see an entirely new and different person than before, and thats not a bad thing. But what i only now am beginning to understand is that these changes i see in myself, wether others see them or not, are going to change what i do about things, and what i want to do. So, inevitably, i am facing losing/giving up things that i used to love and want.
I had planned on missing week two of SSI this year, for a family gathering for my Grandfathers 80th birthday. Now i am wondering if there was a point in doing any of the three weeks. There are things and people and memories from years past that both make me want to go, and stay away at the same time. Also, having done literally everything but instruct and act as a chaperone, i wonder what my purpose in going would be? As i feel like a different person every few months, i don't know who or what i will be come june, or how i will feel about SSI. For now i feel that my time there has come and gone, and i need to move on.
I have given up my financial goals because of the lack of one job, but now it seems that i may need to find a second job anyways, as my current one may not last. Thins are a bit up in the air when it come sot my employment, and i recently shelled out a substantial amt of money for a few things (see last post*). I would appreciate prayer as i look for a new job.
I once again have a new set of friends than i did some months ago, and these friends have brought me a little internal peace. my relationships with my older friends have all changed, generally in a good way, though there are exceptions.

On saturday, i spent most of the day with my family (Eruseldon's) sledding and talking, and generally doing family things. Then I drove an hour and a half to Adiran for a party, which I enjoyed despite some awkward moments. The most exciting part of the day, however, was on the way home form adrian. round about 11. It had been snowing nearly an hour, and i was the only car within sight on US 127. Apparently the deer that crossed in front of me was more comfortable on the road than i was. I thought of the phrase "deer in the headlights", which i always took to mean a shocked, terrified look. Never again will i use the phrase for that. I caught the creatures eye just before i swerved, and i swear to you, it looked like it was challenging me. Cockly, 6 point, bambi freak.
Anyways I swerved to avoid twig-head, which i did successfully, at the cost of my control over my Buick. I'm so glad i didn't get that tiny, lightweight car i wanted for its gas mileage. In any case, i was still going fast enough to cause my car to do two complete rotations on the road before stopping. I didn't end up in he ditch. i sat there for five minutes while my heartrate slowed, the got out to make sure i didn't do anything to my car (which i have named Persivle, by the way). Still no one was in sight, so i just drove away. i was a bit jumpy and didn't go above 55 for the last half hour i drove, but i made it in one piece, then preceded to leave the indoor dome lights of my car on over the weekend. I blame the deer.

Segment 5: Antien
Sometimes he wondered why he had the two expansive wings which grew six feet each form his back, yet folded down to be concealed beneath his dark leather coat. Flying was easier without them, though he made a regular practice of using them anyways, so the new muscles that controlled the feathered limbs wouldn't atrophy. At this moment, though he wished he could use them to counteract, and perhaps change the massive wind current that brought torrent is snow down from the clouds. If he created enough wind, perhaps he would blow the snow away and wouldn't have to shovel... He shivered intentionally, to give the appearance of being cold. It wasn't as though the wind or snow, or even cold usually bothered him, he'd just as soon leave it be and go inside, but his car would never be able to get out of the garage with so much snow on the driveway. He hated pretending too need the old silver Buick to get around, but the masquerade was nessesary. Alot of apearances were. Even now he was focusing on maintaining an alchemic reaction which concealed his long, pointed ears, sharp teeth, and the two horns which curled up a quarter inch form his lower lip. The reaction also make is face look a little red, and caused a drip of liquid to run from his nose (the part he hated most), all to give the impression to anyoen who may have been watching, that he acually was cold and shoveling hte snow was difficult. It was ironic that he had to spend more energy to make it look liek hard work, than to actually do the work.
He tensed as he felt it. The meteor entering earch atmosphere, headed, generally, in his direction. He always felt these thing happen, it was like a seventh sense. "Limited kinetic precognition" Alyssa had once called it. That inexpicable knwoledge he had of thins movign around him. This was the fouth Astrological event that he had to prevent since thanksgiving. Someone was calling them, but not magically, he would have noticed (that was his sixths sence, detecting metaphysical activity).
He quickly scanned the immediate area again to make sure no one was watching, then listened for satalite signals, to see if anyonw was watching that way. After a biref moment, when he was satisfied that no such onlookers were present, he released a buste of kenetic energy from his feet, pushing him into the air toward the oncoming space rock, simultaneously dropping the reaction that hid his nonhuman features, and releasing his wings, whish tore off his coat as they streched and expanded....


Segment 6: Air
Well if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend
But I don't know if you know who I am
Well I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe of the grin
I know where you've been
Its all been a pack of lies

I can feel it
Coming in the air tonight
Hold on
I've been waiting for this moment
For all my life
Hold on, Hold on

Well I remember
I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget
Its the first time
The last time
We ever met
But I know the reason why you keep me silenced up
No you don't fool me
Cause the hurt doesn't show
But the pain still grows
Its no stranger to you and me

Places

Segment 1: Destiny
This Past year at SSI (and everywhere else, i guess) was humbling for me in a way. Having distanced myself from the emotional problems and stress that came up over the summer, I can now look back at what I learned at SSI and put it in its proper perspective.
I went in with a bit of a Chip on my shoulder, to be honest. I had been there enough times that i knew it all and had done it all and wasn't concerned about learning anything. Being neither ADC proper, nor Staff proper, i allowed myself to skip teaching session and chapel if it bored me. Its odd that I view something that happened 5 months ago as "my foolish childhood". I had forgotten the truth that underlies everything at SSI.
The first year i went, when i was still innocent for the most part, I had come away with a Passion and fire, but because is was still "soft" i lost it though what I learned never left me.
The constant theme of SSI is "Truth, Destiny, and Purpose". By the end of the week, alot of emphasis is placed on Destiny, and for a long time i considered my destiny something that was mutually exclusive. But in reality, You cannot have any one of the three, without the other two, or if you do the end result will be misguided.
Anything done without truth finds its bases in falsehood, and has no stable foundation. No God-inspired destiny can be built without a foundation. Neither can ones destiny be achieved without purpose. Both attempts will result in living aimlessly and will bear no fruit.
I used to wonder why i fell in love with SSI my first year, and why it lost its drive the years that followed. The reason for this I have already explained: I was arrogant. I had taken the things I learned at SSI for granted, and truth taken for granted may as well be forgotten. I fell in love with the program because it equipped me with real, hard truth on which God would build my destiny. When i forgot those truths, it stands to reason that the joy would be forgotten as well.
Little wonder why my life was so off track. Without the truth as my stability, my purpose had become fluid, and my destiny was like the leaning tower of piza. The clear vision i had for my future had faded, not because God had left me, as i felt at the time, but because I had taken the truth for granted.
And as i considered these things in the months since SSI 08, I realized that with the truth comes a greater calling. A calling that doesn't not apply just to me and my life, but to any person who attends SSI, or any place where they can learn Gods powerful and unchanging truth. Any person who is given such a gift is inescapably part of Gods divine plan, because such truth is not given without a reason. If God has given a person truth, then he has done so intentionally, not by some circumstance or accident.
With God given truth and a Kingdom- bringing purpose, a person has a divinely inspired Destiny, and everything they need to accomplish it and THEY HAVE NO EXCUSE!
We often say when we are entering a domain for which we don not feel prepared, that God will give us the strength we need, but if a person has the truth and a purpose, they have a destiny! Its not some miraculous event where we will be turned into a Great spiritual warrior for Christ; rather, if a person has those three elements, God HAS ALREADY GIVEN THEM all the strength and power they need.
We live in a world full of lies mistakes, and problems. This world is broken and weak and full of darkness. But the truth, when given by God is light. As Mr. Muffett explains, Light does not Run from Darkness, but rather it overwhelms darkness. The world is ripe and ready for change, and we have been the tool to change it... not Barak Obama Change, but the kind that is brought by the real Messiah. We have been Given a gift, and we have no excuse.

Segment 2: Firearms

"Don't think of it as `gun control', think of it as `victim disarmament'. If we make enough laws, we can all be criminals.
The possession of arms by the people is the ultimate warrant that government governs only with the consent of the governed."

Government- "If you think the problems we create are bad, wait till you see our solutions."

"The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed."

-- Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist Papers

"Among the many misdeeds of British rule in India, history will look upon the Act depriving a whole nation of arms as the blackest."

-- Gandhi

Segment 3: Spending

http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&fcategoryid=215&modelid=17316

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsPgYAn258c&eurl=http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1252230872&src=fftb
http://www.nintendo.com/wii/what

Segment 4: Budget
When I left my second job at Vinnai in June, I knew it would affect my finances but i didn't anticipate the level of spending that i would want to subject myself to when it came to the holidays. Obviously i have to budget Christmas Gifts, but considering my list this year, that wont be so hard. Its the things i want to Buy for myself that are creating the issue. I know that sounds selfish, but let me explain a little

In the above Segment "Spending" are links to the Big three (the items that are both expensive, and greatly desired).
The first is my Digital Camera, which i will need one way or another, as my old one is an inch from death. The Digital Rebel XS is the highest quality camera in its class, and has the better features compared to other brands (and is a little cheaper too). On is own the MSRP (manufacturer suggested retail price) is about $500. I've never been one to buy low quality and cheap, as shown by my knives, mp3 player and computer. If i'm gonna get something i'm gonna get the best i can. The upside to this, is my parents have agreed to go half with me on it. Even so i'm spending $250. I have always wanted a nice camera hanging around my neck with which i would be taking pictures constantly (min. 10 per day). It's kinda a dream of mine.

The second is my Firearm. The Sig Sauer P250. Considering our president elect, and a building fear of what my government will do in the future, i want to exercise my Second amendment rights while i can, and this is the most frugal way to do so. The P250 is the most affordable Weapon for its functionality Sig makes. There are cheaper brands than Sig, but i don't trust the quality. Sigs are carried by Police all over the world. Compared to the 1000+ that Sig charges for its other models, the P250's $699 is pretty dang good. Owning a weapon is a right i will fight for (one of many), and if nothing else, i want to learn how to proper defend my future (and present) family by any means necessary, hand, gun, bow, sword, whatever... this is a step in the direction of building my family in the future. I want it for the Principle of the matter.. as a statement, if nothing else.

The Last is a Nintendo Wii. Obviously, this is mostly for entertainment purposes, at $250-300. TO the observer buying one of these may be the least important, but even for it i have my reasons. I have wanted one for a while now, but suprisingly my mom has wanted one as well. The physical activity involved in some of the games makes it appealing to her as a family activity. I want it for the same reasons. I only have a few months before i leave for college, and i want to spend as much time doing things with my parents as i can. Sitting in the same room while mom studies, da putters around, and i work on my computer doesn't count. there aren't many activities we do TOGETHER as a family and a Wii could change that while there is still time. I really would like this so i could have some quality time with my parents.

Now my goal a year ago was to have $10000 before i went to college. i big goal for sure, but with two jobs it was attainable. Now i'm scaling it back a great deal, and i will be very pleased if i get to college with $5000 to my name. Considering my current accounts, and estimating potential income (assuming my income doesn't change) i wont be able to make much more than $1000 before i have to leave my Job. i'm not sure exactly how much i have right now as my funds are separated into three accounts, which i hope to consolidate soon, but id guess it around $4000. Adding up the expected costs, and not even counting in Gas for my newly attained car i'm looking at $1200 minimum. Its still possible i'll be able to keep $4000 for college, but i don't like how close i'm getting to it. I'm considering giving up one of my Big three, but i consider them all worthwhile expenses, and i wouldn't have the faintest idea which to give up; the dream, the statement, or the quality time.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Segment 5: Eyes

Another section of my "Hunter" story... i didn't have time to write much else after nanowrimo... haven't done much writing since it ended.

Hanna barely slept at all. Something about the room bothered her, but it also felt good. She felt like she was surrounded by someone, or someones feeling. She stared at Hunter all night, feeling that , though she didn't know him, she felt sorry for him. She wondered what he looked like and why he work the mask-helm. Any fear she felt about him had faded, and somehow his presence even dulled the pain of her lost Grandfather.
Without realizing she had dosed off, Hanna noticed that suddenly Hunter was gone. She bolted upright, then remembered what had happened yesterday morning. The fear of having to hyper speed through a whole city she didn't know in order to "catch him" again... He wouldn't do that to her, would he?
The small about of light that trickled in through the window illuminated the room enough to show that Hunter's coat and shirt were draped loosely over the table. Hanna looked back to where he had been sleeping and almost sighed in relief: there on the floor lay Hunter's helm. Curious, the girl looked out the window to see if she could see him. The first thing she saw was the fire that generated the light. And there was Hunter, on his knees beside the fire, face turned toward the stone that Hanna had noticed the night before.
Because of the light of the fire, Hunter's skin looked grey and jagged, like a charred tree. His Chest and head were completely without hair, so there was no color to contrast his skin. He touched the stone for a long moment, running his hand over the writing on its surface. It was only then that Hanna understood what the stone must have been.
Hunter stood quickly, taking his sword by the sheath in his left hand. Hanna watched as he slowly drew the blade, eyes closed, in the beginning of an intricate form. She was nearly put in a trance by the movement of his body and the sword, dancing together in the light of the fire.
Slowly the natural light began to grow and the fire to fade. As this transition happened, Hanna was surprised to notice that Hunter's color didn't change in the different light as she had expected. Then she realized that the tatters black denim of his pants hadn't been affected. It was not the firelight that had given Hunter his un-natural grey color; that was the color of his skin. She felt that she should be afraid of what this might mean, but something was keeping her from actually fearing him. Something about the room, and his movements and the stone.
Just as the the light of the sun negated the light of the fire, hunter opened his eyes and looked right through the window at Hanna. Eyes of Red.


Segment 6: Home
Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life you chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.

These places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Segment 1: Personality.
A friend's Dad gave me this personality profile test, and i had a chance to take it: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgiwin/JTypes2.asp
I encourage everyone to take it. You may have to take it more than once, (i took it twice) for it to peg you, but once it does it really pegs you. Here is an exert from my profile:

"The Champion"

General: ENFPs are both "idea"people and "people"people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (l ots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their negle cting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.
Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.


Segment 2: Watchmen

"The world will look up and shout "Save Us!". And I'll Whisper "No."Rorshach

"My orders are to fight, And if I win or bravely fail, What matters it? My orders were to fight..."


Segment 3: Temet Nosce

Watchmen

Personality Profile

Segment 4: Hiisime

November was a long month for me. I tried my hand at NaNoWriMo again. It's been some years since i have. I didn't do very well, but then again i'm not in the habit of writing regularly. i hade a few extraordinarily brilliant days and got my War of the eagle draft up to 90 pages, and will be emailing it out to a few of you soon. I'm hardly into the story yet at all, so the final is going to be very long (assuming against all reason that there will actually be a final). I have a passion for my sotry again, and the charachers are alive more now thatn ever before in my mind. Yet im still struggling to color thier lives ot on paper.

The family is going well, sort of. Thanksgiving functioned as a sort of "family christmas" so everyone could be where they wanted. The day after was spwnt with my other family, and again, things are ok there for the most part.

I Have Christmas "shopping" completely finished and not started at all. I know that sounds truly odd, bt its true... Between online orders and people who already have their gifts I'm done, but not i have to plan for christmas 2, 3, and 3.5. Christmas 2 is just me and my parents. Christmas 3 is extended family, and i add another half for all those peopel who im getting things for, but amd not directly celebrating with.

Driving makes the shopping a bit eeasier, but it has also made me realise just how little money i have. A camera and Firearm are in my spending future, and 10 hours a week isnt helping my accounts at all. I remember being able to shop last year and enjoy it because i didnt have to worry abot money. Not that i wasted it, but things seemed easier. My parents kep telling me im well ahead of the game with $5000 packed away for college, but i just dont feel it.

I at last have my firearm narrowded down. I satred out wanting a Walther P22, Taurus 27/7, and a Sig Carry. Now i have ruled out all walthers, and decided on the Sig P250. Its beautiful. But the more and more i try to obtain it, the harder things seem to get. I'm not giving up, but my hopes of having the Sig before the Innaguration are a little slim.


Segment 5: Mural Plains

Another confusing segment torn out of the context of my story and provided here for your endless befuddlement. THis is a scetch of a dream-place my main charachter goes to each night as he sleeps... dont read into it too much

Wind swirled around in the knee high grass, pulling the painted colors into the mixed fray of tones. He sky was a mural of black and grey, with soft fleck of white that moved and spun with the rest of the colors. Jason looked across he mural landscape, then at his own body, which appeared like a cave wall drawing, constantly in motion, though he never moved.
Jason
A voice was in the wind, not speaking or making a sound alone, but in the wind itself. Jason turned about, looking for the thing that had called his name. His body seemed to shift with the wind, like he wasn't solid. Ignoring the idd sensation the fluidity and color swirl were giving him, he answered the wind. “Where are you? What is this?” His mind filled with questions as his voice came out strangely, as if in someone else's tone.
You are asleep. Dreaming. As you have many times. It is here, in your sleep that I have been teaching you these past months.
“Teaching me? I don't remember anything like this happening before.”
You slept and were here for nearly a year. You woke up earlier than is ideal because things are happening around you now that you must be a part of. If you You have learned much as you journeyed through your dreams with me.
“But what good are the things I have learned if I can't remember them the next time?”
But you do remember, Jason. Its is only the memory of learning it that evades your mind. The knowledge is there, you simply have to use it. Tell me the word for tree in the old language.
“Beren.” The word rolled out of his mouth before Jason was able to identify it, as if he had said it all his life. A pang of curiosity and fear burst in his mind as a flood of other words began to form sentences. He mumbled the first string of words, curious if they would make more sense out loud.
“What is happening, that I had to awaken?” Was what jason had intended to say.
Its not for you to know such details, but rather to have a sound mind and be ready for any eventuality. The more you can learn, the better prepared you will be in the future, to face whatever may come.
“Learn...” Jason said, still chewing on the strange new words he used. “None of this makes any sense.”
It is good that you are questioning. To think and to reason; to know is why you have come here. You must look at everything the way you look at this, with an inquisitive eye. You have to think through every idea presented to you, whether a political idea, or a scientific theory. The purpose of knowledge is to discern truth. You came to me seeking that knowledge.
“I came to you? That doesn't seem right, this is, after all, my dream.”
I am in your dreams because you wanted me to be. A person isn't given knowledges without wanting it, though at the same time the kind of wisdom I offer does not come to anyone who wants it.
Jason thought that he should feel uneasy or apprehensive, but he couldn't muster the emotion. However strange it was, He didn't want to resist the words of the voice, or the draw of the mural plain he saw around him.
This gift, all of my knowledge, experience, and wisdom are yours. Other things that elude you know will be made clear in time. The only thing you can do now is choose whether or not you will trust me.
The strange, colored winds brought no scents, but their sounds were all that could be heard for a long moment. Jason felt the logic of his mind pulling him two ways. It was a dream, nothing more. But if it was a dream, why would it matter if he chose to follow the voice. A mental battle waged in his mind, each side with tis strong holds pushing and pulling, competing for the high ground. At length Jason finally spoke. “Show me everything,”



Segment 6: Remember

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason, why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot!
A stick or a stake for King James' sake
Will you please to give us a fagot
If you can't give us one, we'll take two;
The better for us and the worse for you!

Nanowrimo

Nov. is National Novel Writing Month, and in participating in it, i have decided to work on The War of the Eagle every day, in hopes to get from my current 68 pages to 100 by the end of the month. THis being the case, this will be my only blog in the month of November.

Enjoy the Robbeness.


YOU fill in the blanks about ME, even if you don't have any idea what they are, and send it back to ME. But first post a blank one so all your friends can return the favor to you....if you have time, go for it!

My name:
Who is the love of my life:
Where did we (love of life and I) meet:
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me:
When is the last time that we saw each other:
What do I drink:
When is my birthday:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me:
Do I have any siblings:
What's one of my favorite things to do:
Am I funny:
What's my favorite type of music:
What is the best feature about me:
Am I shy or outgoing:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
Do I have any special talents:
Would you consider me a friend/good friend:
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):
What is a memory we have once had:
Have you ever hugged me:
Do you miss me...do you think i miss you:
What is my favorite food:
Have you ever had a crush on me:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
What's your favorite memory of me:
Who do I like right now:
What is my worst habit:
If you and I were stranded on a deserted island, what one thing would I bring?
Are we friends:
Will you repost this so I can do it for you?:

Eighteen

Segment 1 :Vote
I understand that by the time anyone reads this, it will be to late for it to affect anyone, but i feel the need to post it. Not because i have to explain myself, this is my spiritual and civic duty, in other words, my God called me to vote this way, and its the best for my country as i believe it should be.
I'm Voting Third Party. It's widely considered to be a bad idea to vote third party. I have heard many times that its a "vote for the other side". I find this to be a bad reason not to vote for Baldwin (or any other third party candidate). You are telling me that if I vote for McCain, who I strongly dislike, then that's the way to keep Obama from winning, and vice versa. But if i dislike them both equally, then by Voting third party, and thereby voting for the other side, i have given my vote to whichever candidate wins as well as to the candidate i actually support.
And another thing: How is a vote for anyone not Democrat, in a state that statistically goes democratic in the electoral college going to help anyone but the candidate that vote is for. Let me explain. If a person is voting for McCain so their Vote isn't wasted, the "effectiveness" of a mccain vote in a democratic state is a moot point. If Obama wins, its as expected, we are a Democrat state, and your McCain Vote. If McCain wins, then he didn't need your "unwasted" vote. It makes more sense to vote for something than against the worse of two evils.
I would ask any MidMichigan person who is Voting for Jack Hoogendyk (the underdog by far next to Carl Levin), why they think a third party Vote is wasted. Its the Same thing. Third Party supports you, but its the underdog, and they wont win. Here is my Call to Christians at the polls. God has always called us to do what is right even if it looks like we aren't going to win. It's HIS election. Whether we win or not, we have to support the candidate who supports God. That is all any believer needs to know. Think about that tomorrow before you write off Baldwin.

Segment 2: Children

"My mom says that i used to laugh at her jokes, but since i became a teenager i don't anymore. To this i calmly think: I laughed at your jokes when i laughed at Barney and the Teletubbies. Now that was great TV. Didn't they win an Emmy or something for the comedy in those shows?"

"I find it odd that homeschoolers can vote for Jack Hoogendyk, the serious underdog, but wont vote third party because they think Baldwin doesn't have very good chances"

Segment 3: Constitution
http://www.baldwin08.com/


Segment 4: Birthday
I can say easily that Nov. 1 2008 was one of the most fun days i have ever had. I didn't think anything could beat line dancing at SSI. Line Dancing with my parents and friends did. I am so grateful to my mom for putting out birthday celebration together. I love her so much.
Four of my sisters made it, and i had a blast with them. I owe my family alot. Especially my new family. God has been building a group of friends around me, Anna, Emily, Anthony and Laura, who have all adopted me as a brother. The last sibling relationship I had died because of the mistakes i made, and it probably wouldn't have helped me.
This week has held alot of revelations for me. I wont go through all of them or what all happened to me surrounding my eighteenth birthday. But i do have to mention the conclusion. A week ago i was hiding a very serious depression inside myself. I was angry at myself for so many reasons. But events that led up to saturday made me think about things.
I realized As i watched my friends dance that i was happy. Not just happy in the moment, but really happy deep inside my being. The way I haven't been for years now. Its not a complete happiness. I'm still going through and working through so many things, but the good part is that i am actually working through them. I don't feel stuck anymore. I'm not angry or sad about how i messed up or who i am.

I guess this is the part of growing up that i actually believe should happen. Eighteen i may be, but i'm no adult. Maybe one day i will be, but as of now i will remain a child, regardless what the government says.

Segment 5: Nathanael
Usually I reserve this space for a piece of a story in my head. Well i will continue that tradition, however this story isn't as fictional. It may sound a little strange, but a friend of mine and i realized this is how we think. There are three "nathanaels" in my mind. not personalities necessarily, more moods or character traits. Let me explain
Nate (n): the creative, energetic, attention-loving child. he will never grow up and always be the source of love inside me
Nathan(N): The mature (ish), organized responsible caretaker of the mind. Structured and thoughtful.
Firefly/Antien (A): The Mixture of the two, though significantly darker, who represents the subdued, side, but is most prevalent, and is the emotional center

n: I had fun saturday. So many people there to see and talk to and play with. it was fun watching them all spin around outside.

A: its called dancing, and we all were there, we all had fun. and not just the dancing. things are really looking up

N: You enjoyed being with our "family" antien. Seeing Laura and Emily and Anna and Anthony. And Nate, you just thought it was about you.

n: well it was a little about me. and i'm not so sure about anthony. he scares me.

N: Thats because he thinks, little one. intelligent people scare you

n: anna-sister thinks and she doesn't scare me, same with Laura-sister. Emily-sister too for that matter.

A: thats because they are girls for one, and you have always gotten along better with girls than guys. Anthony is just fine. One of the best guy friends we have.

N: nate is sush a mammas boy

A: Leave him alone, its true for me too i suppose. You are the only one who insists on rejecting the idea of our new family.

n: me?

N: No, me, selfish little thing... its not about you, nate

A: and i'm supposed to be the mean one. honestly you two are like oil and water.

n: *pouts*

A: Oi Veigh, you two get annoying.

N: Yeah we do, sorry

n: *mumbles* i'm not sorry

A: Nathan, what was your favorite part of the party.

n: ill bet it was getting to look like he was good at playing SET in front of people who hadn't played before

N: Shut up, kid. Seeing Anna and Emily get along so well. i was a bit worried about them.

A: we all were. we want our sisters to get along

n: Antien, what do you think the difference between our new "family" and... other "family"

N: if i weren't in the same head with you i would be very confused by what you just said little tyke.

A: You Mean with our past surrogate siblings? The difference was we wanted those friendships. We sought out someone who cold understand us. when we found them, we idolized the friendship

N: i remember that. it was like you two had never had a friend before. so pathetic.

A: there was some truth to that, though. sure we have friends in the literal sense, but not anyone as close as we wanted. we wanted it so badly. with the Eruseldon's-

n: whats?

A: its the name Nathan and Anna came up for the group tonight.. the "new family" as you call them... anyways, with them, we didn't see after it so hard. the family sortof formed out of mutual friendship, and wasn't so intense. therefore we didn't idolize it and destroy it.

n: i'm confused

N: we know

End.
So its a bit confusing, but that is a glimpse into my mind as it thinks about the party. take it all with a grain of salt, cause its raw feeling and thought...


Segment 6:
Don't tell me this is your last chance to change
'Cause if you do, then you would be telling a lie...but...

I warned you
What could happen if you should decide
To live your life from 9 to 5
And I mourn you
For the detail that is left unsaid
Is a reminder of the time you bled


They sold you
Everything you need to fix you up
And you feel good now but you can't wake up
They found a way to reassure you
(That everything would be okay)
Reach out today now I emplore you to remember who you are


So you felt it, but you don't know
Why you can't explain at all
Why you felt it 'cause you don't know
No, you don't know

Break the walls between building atrophy
Causing all your problems to recede
break the walls between
(Break the walls between)
Causing all your pain
(Causing all your pain)
You'll never learn...

Return to days when you knew you still felt alive
Reveal the way you felt when you could look inside

Take Back
The beat in your heart
Why Fight
When you can't be bought


(Break the walls between building atrophy
Causing all your problems to recede
Break the walls between
Causing all your pain)

Ageless (NewSegments)

Segment 1: Conserve
Here is a question: How does the United States of America produce less than 5% of the worlds resources, consume upwards of 75% of the worlds resources, export hardly any cost effective products, and import nearly ever modern commodity, yet still remain one of the richest nations in the world? It isn't logical that America spends more money to maintain itself than any other nation in the world, buying even our own "American made cars" from the cheap labor of China.
I'm not an economist, so perhaps the exact financial reason is fully explainable, but to be honest I really dont care. I only bring up the question to make a finer point about what seems to be a root cause of personal and political differences. Let me explain.
There are a few ironies in the way things work, at least as i see them. When America was founded, the general idea was that each person was willing to work hard for their freedoms and possessions. Things weren't easy, and that was good. This is the root of the old adage "Nothing worth having is easy" or "Freedom isnt free". Because of technology, or political shift, or social "enlightenment", the two hundred forty years since the Deceleration of independence have seen the the birt of the modern world market.
Americans want their goods cheap, but at the same time, we join unions to make sure we are payed fairly and equally at a higher grade than nearly any other nation. We want to have a lot of money, and make sure everyone gets the same amount whether they are good workers or not, and we expect to buy everything we need for cheap.
This creates a problem. Manufacturers are expected to pay all their good and bad employees a high rate for products that their consumers expect to get for low cost. Now add in government induced business taxes, and what is left as a solution? Can we wonder why businesses send their factories to China and India, where the labor is cheap because there are no unions? The loss of American jobs can be blamed in part on "big business", but what other option do we leave them if we expect the best for nothing.
Then we wonder why they things we buy are cheaply made. Does anyone remember the problems we had with Chinese made toys having lead based paint?
The root problem is this: Americans are so used to having everything, that now they expect it without cost. We have forgotten that everything we have is a result of someones hard work. Nothing is free, nothing comes easily, that is the truth of it.
We have strayed so far into the irony that now we even believe that the unemployed deserve to be taken care of even though they dont work. I;m nto saying those with money shouldnt give to those who dont, but to quote comedian Brad Stine "If yo didnt have a place to live, the didnt give you government housing, they gave you an axe. See that group of trees over there? Thats your new duplex." Another saying goes: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime" My Point is this; our providing for the unemployed doesnt mean giving them what they dont have, and enabling them to continue as they are. No man should live without working for what he has.
Here is a solution that makes a lot of sense, but Americans are frankly too lazy to ever try: Start a company, for the sake of argument, lets just say a car company. Lets employ American workers, and not give heed to the unions who demand equal high pay. Let's expect a small salary at the beginning, because costs are high. The cars we make will be expensive, but they will be good quality cars. Lets buy our good quality cars because they are good and they are American made and they support American jobs. The more cars we buy, the more we can be paid for the good, hard work we do.
Expecting that what we have should come cheap and easy, from our cars, to our homes, to our American liberties, only leads to cheap and lazy Americans.

(NEW! Quotable Quotes) Segment 2: Voting
"If we Vote for McCain, we sin. If we Vote for Obama, We sin. If we Say we Vote for Ron Paul, we lie and there is no truth in us" -Paul and Nancy Sisson

(NEW! Newsworthy,Notables) Segment 3: Hoogendyk

The Senatorial Debate: Hoogendyk V. Levin

Jack Hoogendyk Home Page

Segment 4: Eighteen
I'm less than a week away from the "most important" birthday of my life so far. Eighteen marks the legal age of "adulthood". I can now vote, drive, manage my own finances, and make my own decisions according to law.
Anyone who knows me well at all will attest to my love of birthdays. Its the selfhish little boy in me that will always love the day every year that we celebrate my life. As a child my love language was gifts, so it always excited me to know i was gonna get stuff. But things seem different this year. I havent been counting the days or making a list of things i want. It even slips my mind that im even having a birthday.
Dont get me wrong, i want to distance myself from the disaster that was my seventeenth year. I made alot of mistakes and lost some very good friends.
My mom is also having a birthday soon, and hers is an important number aswell. Because are birthdays are 11 days apart, we decided to have a joint costume/birthday party on Nov 1st, and invite some close friends.It hit me really hard that i could only think of two people to invite that werent on my moms list. In 18 years I havent made any friends that I feel i can invite to my birthday celebration. What hurts worst is that two of the people I would most like ot be there wont be because of somethings i did.
As for the number eighteen. I dont see its significance. I've had two siblings make the wors mistakes of their life after turning eighteen, so i dont really consider it a sign of adulthood. In face most eighteen year olds i know are less mature. I disagree with laws that give full rights at such an age. But it doesnt really matter. I am still under my parents, untill I am ready to be on my own. Age will have nothing to do with it.

Segment 5: "I Just Can"
This is a segment of one of the Ebooks im writing. It is older, and unedited, so my typing and grammatical issues arent corrected, and it jumps in part way through the story. The full thing Can be read at The Hunter Diaries

Hanna watch, slightly perplexed as the fire grew under his hands. Still watching the flames, her curiosity got the better of her, "" The fire sparked suddenly and crackled. It was then that Hanna noticed there were no ashes, Nor was there smoke. She looked intently at it, trying to figure out what fueled it, but could see nothing. The girl looked at the strange helmet Khaanyah wore, even more thoughts filling her head, more confusion than clarity. But even so she was still calm, and not afraid of him.

"Hunter."

Hanna jumped at his word, having already forgot her question ""

"Khannyah" He replied, ""

"Hunter..." She repeated, letting the word echo through her mind. It echoed and echoed for what felt like only a few minutes. The next thing she knew was that the fire was gone altogether, and she could see nothing. Realizing she must have fallen asleep, Hanna cutiously began to crawl across the cave floor. The peaceful feeling that had been keeping her calm up till now was gone, and the fear, anger, and sadness that it had been warding off returned with a vengace, but fear the most prevalent. The memory of what happened to her grandfather, in addition to the cold blackness of the cave she didn't know her way out of terrified her. Then there was this mysterious man with the mask and swords who called himself Hunter. Suddenly, not knowing where he was made her anxious, afraid of what he might do to her. Realizing that in the total blackness, he might be only inches from her without her knowing it, and she froze, waiting. She began to cry, yet trying to to make a sound.

Something touched Hanna on the shoulder and she screamed, and it was gone. There was stillness again for a second and a fire ignited form across the room, where she thought she had been. The golden flame glowed, growing in light, and floating an inch above the gloved hand of Hunter. Again curiosity overwhelmed her fear.

"" Both he and she asked simultaneously.

Hanna was the first to react. ""

Hunter looked hat the girl through his helmet, trying to understand what had just happened. He was unable to find the right words because of his limited knowledge of t he language she spoke. One moment before Hanna was on all fours, not moving in the darkness. His keen eyes could see well enough without the light, so he had reach out to touch her, and let her know where she was in the room. the moment he touched her, she cried out and was on the other side of the small cavern, cowering against the wall. No sound other than her voice had been made, no discernable movement, but she had gone from one point to another instantaneously.
After several minutes of Hunter trying to convey what had just happened, Hanna sighed heavily, getting he general idea.

"" Hunter asked again

"" Hanna replied, "" She motioned to the warm fire in his palm.

Hunter was silent for a moment, "" With that he stood up as much as possible in the shallow cave room and motioned for her to follow him. "It morning. We go now."

A level of calmness settled over her again and Hanna followed Hunter out of the cave-room through a small outlet she hadn't seen before. After about a ten minute walk through the narrow stone passage, the emerges out of the side of a mountain into broad daylight.

Hanna looked around, squinting as her eyes adjusted tot he natural light. Around her was only desert, witha mountain behind. as she search for some sign as to where they were she noticed what she first thought was another mountain range off to the distance, but it didnt seem quite right. The mointains were shining in the sun and were oddly shaped for mountains. She was somewhat astonished to realizs that she was looking at buildings, not moutains. The Vary tall buildings of a massive city, miles in the distance. She looked at hunter, sheilding her eyes fromt he glare of the sun off of his helmet. "Is that where we are going?" she asked.

Hunter nodded. "Centuron"


Segment 5: Untitled

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to meI made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Petrified

Segment 1 : Precognition
A conversation i had with a friend of mine recently got me to thinking about how the human brain thinks about the future. My Last post on the idea of a singularity touched on the question of whether the choices we make create an inevitable result. For the sake of argument, lets say we are all bound by the rule of singularity. that one decision will generate an inescapable end result or path. If that is the case, is the human mind properly equipped to estimate what those consequences will be?
I believe, through my experience that everyone has an ability that does not necessarily fit into the realm of natural thinking. Not quite to the powerful extreme of defying physics, like in the TV Show HEROES, or in comic books, such as XMen, but more subtle, understandable gifts. A friend of mine recently commented while walking down a hallway with offices on either side, that each door reminded him of a different song, not because of anything about them. As he walked down the hall the "music in his head" changed. He told me one or two of the songs, and as I walked by one of the office windows, I noticed the song he had just named was playing through headphones on a computer, which was receiving a radio signal and streaming the music, in the office he had associated the song with. Perhaps coincidence, but i doubted it. My Own awkward sense of smell is another example, though possibly more easy to explain that a boy who's brain can pick up radio signals.
I have now met more than one person who seem to get images of specific events before they happen. This is something i have observed in minor cases in many people including myself. Years ago I remember thinking off handedly that my mom would be alot busier during my highschool, even to much to be in charge of my education as she had in grade school. My Freshman year, my mom bought a business, and was unable to teach me, so i hade to homeschool myself.
It is this precognition, that many people seem to have even though they don't realize it. I wouldn't say its telling the future necessarily. I sometimes wonder if there are consequences to choices that can't be avoided no matter what choice you make, is the mind capable of seeing those conclusions before they happen? If a singularity exists, then is it possible to see then end result of that decision?

Segment 2: Average
There are some truly extraordinary people in my life. I'm very proud if the circles of people around me, who I can claim that I associate with. I Honestly think if I were to combine the best of the people i know, they would be nearly super human.
But while there are amazing people around me, it only makes another fact more obvious: i am unequivocally average. There isn't alot extraordinary about me, save perhaps my ability to be negative while everyone thinks im doing great. I don't do anyhting extraordinarily, but work hard for everything, and that propensity for hard work is not a talent either. Im not wonderfly inteligent, anaytical, athletic, spiritual, or strong. There is nothing rerribly remarkable about me. im the kind of person you can look at and forget the next second. Im a face in a crowd of many.
Off hand i can think of two peopel who are annoyingly attractive, one who's analytical abilities, though learned over time, let him spot flaws in nearly any argument. Put me by a chess board and i will know how to play. I might even beat someone. Put me in front of the microphone and i will preform for the crowd, but they will only see the mask of "entertainer". it takes me four days to pull together coherent thoughts to form even one of these blog "segments", and they are often plagarized form the inteligent words in conversation i have had with a friend who has already figured out what I have to say.
While i apreciate the encouraging disagreements that some readers will probbably have, let me say this. I dont mind being average. I'm not alone, and its ok to be considered middle of the pack. I do extraordinarily at one thing, but i can get along doing alot of things. I doubt i'll become someone who stands our from the cowd. And thats ok.
I'm sure there is something specal about me. I just dont know myself well enough to know what is its. I'm not sure what i am or who i am right now. And what is strangest is that it doesnt bother me.

Segment 3: Character Introduction: Mark
"Jason..." Day said quietly, having lost interest in the battle a few moments earlier.
Jason looked at his sister, recognizing the sound of fear in her voice. He followed her line of sight to a figure that stood on the cobblestone road between the beach and the buildings of the city, looking at them. He wore a light leather armor and carried a thin sword in his belt. Most of his face, including his right eye and mouth, was covered in bandages. For the most part the wrap around his head were white, but in some areas they were red from the boy's blood. Two well armed Sentries stood on either side of him.
From what he could see of the person, Jason guessed him to be about their age, probably older. He recognized a sad anger in the eye of the newcomer. "Hey," Jason motioned to the bandaged youth with a wave of his arm. "Come join us."
The Boy seemed a bit surprised at Jason's call. Darr and Leon looked at their friend quizzically. Ignoring them Jason waved at him again.
Hesitantly the boy ventured toward them from the road. His sentries remained still. "Why did you want you want me to join you?" his question seemed shy and a little fearful.
Jason met his shyness with a friendly smile. "You're wearing a sword. Either you know a little about fighting or you want people to think you do."
Beneath the cloth, the boy smiled. "Indeed. My name is Markus Lange." He extended a hand, which Jason shook fondly.
After briefly introducing the others, Markus and Jason soon agreed to square off.
"His stance is high, but still fairly well rooted into the ground," Jason analyzed in his mind. "He draws a lot from speed, like Darr, but it's a fairly basic stance, so he might even use a style like my own." Jason continued to look over his opponent for a long moment. "Why isn't he attacking?" Jason with a slight shock realized that Markus wasn't going to attack.
Jason darted slightly to his right before leaping through the air at Mark. This Move was risky, due to Marks Bandage over his right eye. He may have had little depth perception, but it was easier to maintain single focus over any movement to his left side.
Regardless of the weakness, Jason covered the distance between them in one hard step. In the air, he shifted his weight so his legs were flying in front of him, replicating the attack Darr had tried earlier. Just before his kick came in range, Jason drove he left foot to the ground, throwing all of his power and momentum to his right leg, which he brought far to high.
Though a powerful attack, Mark took its full impact on his wrist guard without flinching. The height of the kick had thrown off Jason's balance, forcing him to fall back on his right hand.
"It worked," Jason smiled to himself as he again shifted his balance onto his palm, which was planted in the ground, freeing his left leg. Utilizing the unoccupied limb, he swept it strait up at Mark's chin. The blow was narrowly dodged
Then, pushing off with his planted arm and displaying his impressive strength, Jason was back in the air. He brought t his legs together and down hard, causing sand to fly. Before he had a good stance he lunged at Mark with a hard left. The motion caused more momentum than Jason had been prepared for, and with no balance Jason continued taking powerful swipes, moving forward with each blow. His hands reined a perilous series of blows. Mark avoided each of the shots with a simple step back.
Jason and Mark continued a gradual march along the beach, Jason always just out of reach for a strike, but trying for one. He was beginning to grow frustrated at his opponent's style. He had almost had enough when he realized that his next strike would be in range, even if Mark backed up. He brought his right fist down on a hammer to Mark's temple. The blow was blocked.
With speed like Jason had seen only from Shai, Mark took his first strike, right through the center of Jason's defense. The punch landed far harder than any of Jason's own could.
Jason could feel Mark's pointer and middle knuckles grind into his shoulder. From Darr or Leon this hit would be nothing, but this man... Jason thought. I can hardly feel my arm through the pain. Anger flared in Jason as he swept around, delivering two hard hammer strikes to the right side of Mark's head, utilizing he blind spot of the bandages. A low blow, but his style is so... Jason didn't finish his thought at his second strike met its target.
The force knocked Mark to his back, one hand clutching his bandaged face. As the dust settled, Mark looked at Jason, fresh blood soaking through his wraps.
Mark spoke slowly, without looking up. "I know my tactics are exasperating, Jason. But with only one eye it's all I can do. Had I the will to use both, this might be a fair match."
Jason was filled with abject shame, though no words of apology came to his mind that seemed fitting. Leon and Darr's hot stares burning into his back. He couldn't find it in himself to move or speak or even look at Mark. The over bearing silence for the moment was suddenly broken when Jason felt two strong hands grip him from behind, holding him in place. he realized the the twin sentries who were with Mark served as bodyguards of some kind. the other sentry helped Mark to his feet from the sand.
Mark gave a nod to the sentry behind Jason, who responded to the command by releasing Jason's arms and backing away. "Jason," Mark continued, a sense of wariness in his voice, "I would like to fight you on an even plain. You are better than I am as it stands, I’ll admit that. Would it bother you for me to fight without my bandages?"
"Master Lange!" Exclaimed the sentries in unison, "Would that not be dangerous? Your wounds"
"Are no safer under a thin cloth wrapping than they are exposed to the clean sea air." Mark cut off his personal guard. "How about it, Jason?"
"Hai."
Mark smiled under the cloth, reaching up behind his head with his left hand. A single tug was enough to release the cloth and cause it to unravel and fall loosely around his shoulder.
"Jason..." Day whispered fearfully beside Jason as they all took in Marks face for the first time. His fair skin was marred across the front and sides by three long, parallel gashes from the claw of some animal. The red lines started somewhere in his hair and down across his cheek, one of them going right over his left eye. The stripes continued down and off his chin and began again just below his right collar bone. Stitches held the skin of his eyelid, upper lip, and chin closed, though not completely at some points. a trail of blood ran down from his hairline where Jason had his hit his target. Were it not for the liquid shimmer of the blood, it would have been near impossible to tell it apart from marks hair, which was a deep, almost unnatural red.
"Shall we?" Mark asked casually.
Jason nodded. Bending his knees and dropping his stance, both hands low, leaving his chest open, but ready to strike. He was a bit surprised as Mark assumed a stance. Jason deduced correctly that fighting with the retreating style he had used before, Mark had been able to observe Jason's methods without revealing any of his own.
Mark stood almost strait up, hardly any bend in his legs. His left hand tucked behind his back as his right presented itself flat and open to Jason, as if offering him some invisible gift he had in his palm.
Both fighters sat in a stalemate for a log time. Neither were really prepared to take first action, but the stalemate could only last so long.
After Jason made one final adjustment to his stance, he broke the silence in motion. He threw all his weight into a hard sure toward Mark, leaving a sizable crater in the sand where his foot had made contact and pushed off of the ground. Mark hardly even blinked as Jason covered the distance between them in astonishing time. Jason thrust a direct punch to Mark's chest, but it was easily intercepted by Marks open hand.
Before he could even be absolutely sure what hit him, Jason's momentum was reversed and he landed on his back in the crater he had made a second before, his stomach clenched in a unexplained plain. He looked up at Mark. The Redhead's left leg was extended perfectly strait, he sharp ridge of his foot exposed. In a slow deliberate motion, he swung the foot around behind him and resumed his stance.
"The first step of NijunKen (Twenty movements)," Mark Stated materoffactly.
"I can feel where you kick made contact on the other side of my body," Jason said rubbing his stomach. "And I didn't even see it coming."
Mark Smiled. "You moved in with your left hand, limiting my access to your chest by closing off your body and keeping your right hand to guard your left side. I used KentaIch (Move One) to take advantage of the small opening between your arms. It’s a move I can’t do without good depth- perception, which I lose when my left eye is covered."
Jason accepted Marks extended hand. "You Moved Faster then before. Another advantage to being able to see, I suppose?"
Mark nodded with a wiry smile.
"I would be interested to Learn these 'Nijun-ken',"
"They are passed down in my family," Mark replied with a grave tone. "I have no problem using them on you, but will not teach them to you. and I’m afraid it’s quite discipline. My father called them the 'family laws'." Mark smiled absentmindedly as he continued. "They require a lot of understanding to create enforce and interpret."
"I want a try at that!" Shouted Darr.
Jason could only smile.

Segment 4: Tomorrow

Is it any wonder why I'm scared,
If I was a little younger would I care,
feeling like the walls are growing stronger,
i don't know if this cage can hold me any longer

you never dreamed you'd have to love your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded

i'm not afraid of tomorrow,
i'm only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire, and i'm looking through the eyes of someone else

I never thought they'd want me to go even faster,
never thought i took my foot off the gas,
everybody loves to be in on the pressure,
but i know they're all waiting for the crash

you never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded,
things have changed you've become a complication,
can make it through another days
humiliation

i'm not afraid of tomorrow,
i only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire and i'm looking through the eyes of someoneelse

someone else...

is it any wonder why the answer keeps me petrified ,
is it any wonder why ,
i'm scared

Follow

Segment 1: A Singularity
Evolutionary scientists theorize that the whole universe was created by a series of interconnected events over millions of years. According to theory, the first of these events caused an inevitable chain reaction that would inevitably cause the completion of human kind. In other words, one solitary random occurrence set something in motion, and because the first thing happened, everything had no choice but to happen. That first event is called a singularity. There are theories about singularities almost as proliferant as the many scienses that profess them.
In the Terminator Movie series, as well as the new TV show "The Sarah Connor Chronicles", the charachters fight to prevent a Technological signularity: one event that will casue a chain of events, bringing about a compter system that will destroy the world. Stop the Singularity, Stop the chain of events.
I believe life is a combination of Sigularities, signle desisions that begin chain reactions of events that shape the course of our lives. It is throug these singularitites theat God shows us how intimately he knows us. I could go into some length explaining how the idea of a singularity fits in with the Destiny vs. free will debates, but thats not somehitng i choose to go into.
As much (or little) sence as the idea of a singularity makes, there are a few issues that have to be faced. For example, even a sigularity has circumstances. Even a little event that casues a chain has to be caused itself. No desicion is independant, and relies on make choices made before. So this begs the question; can a singularity actualy exist if it relies on other choices. I suppose the difference between a solitary event casued by situation and a singularity, si that while bothe rely on previous desicions, a singularity will determine the outcome of the events and choices that follow it.
All of that to bring up the question; It there one event or choice that can define a persons life? I knwo the Church kids will say its coming to Christ, but being realistic, after that desision, a person can still do dumb things and mess up their life. There are major desisions that change things, of course. Lets look at someitng more speifically say a person is on a bad path in life that they cannot get off. Is that person on that path becasue of a single choice made long ago that doomed them to walk this path? Again we are venturing near the free will debate
Let us contemplate this for ourselves. If a person could trace theri life, the way things are, back to a single, root cause desision, a singularity, what would they think of thet desision? If we think of every moment as a a singularity, sending us down a road that cannot be avoided, would we take them differently?

Segment 2: Downswing
While I am able to remember faces of nearly everyone I see, my personality of the past few years makes the likelihood of people knowing me in return slim. Its an unsusual situation. Generally my personality doesnt lead me towards being an oberver, but on the other hand I dont find myself mixing with alot of the cliques that invarriably form. I'm a people person of a sort. I crace social interaction, but i dont seem to stay within a social circle or gorup for vary long. Alot of people know me, but I wouldnt say im in their clique.
I was talking to another freind of mine who doesnt find herself being as exclusive in her friendships. However she is on the opposite end of the clique jumper spectrum. She finds that she doenst see the clicques as much bet only becasue she is generally accepted into all of them, where I dont feel as I really belong to any group of friends. The difference is in temrtament.
I've realized that the past few years ahve seen me become alot harder and darker in my social temprament. I'm ot exactly sure as to the root casue of this change in social outlook, but it has become an irrevocable part of my personality. I am the "dark outsider" alot of people know who i am, but they dont know what to make of me, so while they consider me a friend and i consider them one, i dont form a part of their circle. Then there are those, like some from my old church, the either wont acknowledge that they know me, or dont like me.
I ave realized, that why the situation i am in socially is awkward, it doesnt bother me. As unnatural as it is to me and my personaity to be separated from people this way, I find myself actually liking the social interaction i have. I enjoy the reverse social action in a way that I dont really get. Perhaps its just that I get so little interaction, that even the shallow, disjointed interaction that I get is enough of an emotional upswing.
Therein lies another issue: The Upswing. My emotions and even my physical wellbeing is connected to my social contentment. Wen i go to events liek the Davis's Harvest Party, or the Demass's Events, and even SSI, it creates an emotional upswing in how much I enjoy being around people I at least get along with. The Downside to that is spesifically that: the down. An emotional upswing will inevitably produce an emotional downswing.

Segment 3: Character Introduction: Jason and Dannielle
As soon as he saw his sister’s face, Jason realized how little he had seen or heard form his sister since they came here. As she looked at him guilt welled up in he chest. “Hey, Day.”
Day shyly smiled. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” Jason moved over to make more room to sit on his bed. “What’s up, Day?” He asked as she sat down next to him.
“Nothing," Her voice was quiet, and touched Jason deep in his chest, the same as it always had, "I just feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever.”
“Yes,” Jason agreed, regret filling his throat. “We have done a grand job of being to preoccupied to be a family, haven’t we?”
She nodded.
Jason put his arm around Day’s shoulder. “We’ll have to try harder at that.”
“Well, I understand why we haven’t talked a lot." Her voice was sincere, but obviously she wasn't happy about it. "You’ve been busy. You’ve spent a lot more time with Regimund lately. And then there’s your work with Leon in the forge. There’s Anna too. I can tell you have feelings for her.”
Jason was shocked and slightly embarrassed as his sister’s insight. Aaron was bad enough, but his own little sister. That was too annoying. He smiled anyway. “What makes you think that?”
“Come on, Jason. It was obvious you felt something from the first moment you saw her. You do well at hiding it but I can read your mind. I’ll bet she’s on your mind a lot to.”
Jason smiled to himself. He had to admit his sister read him better than he gave her credit for. “You may be right. But nothing will ever come of it. She could never feel the same.”
“Why not?" Day looked into his eyes deeply. "She isn't very different from how I was after Dad and Kerr...” her voice throbbed for a moment when she said their brother's name. "Except she doesn't have a brother. Whether you are meant to act on you feelings for her, or not, she does need someone to be close to her. Its not something to be explained simply. Its a woman thing."
Jason laughed lightly. "I have been having the same thoughts. And its not so much a woman thing, I don't think," a little distance came into Jason's eyes as he looked at the floor. "Its more of a pain thing. Kari has the same... problem. For a while I was worried about my proximity to her, but since Aaron came thats been a little easier."
Day listened silently, leaning against her brother and eventually settling down into his chest. She looked a bit worried for a second. "You know. This isn't actually what I came here to talk about." She hesitated, rolling her next words around in her mouth. "I just wanted to remind you... I just didn't want you to forget"
"Your birthday next week," Jason finished smiling and filling the tiniest bit proud.
Day giggled and wormed her way out of his arms. "Don't you dare forget." She she said with a smile before darting through the door.


Segment 4: Heroes
Stare in wonder, who's here to bring you down?
Find your martyr, I'm sure you've made the crown
So light a fire under my bones, so when
I die for you, at least I'll die alone

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

Dark devotion in a beacon paradise
Shows no emotion to a willing sacrifice
You can put a man on trial, but you can't make the guilty pay
And you can cage an animal, but you can't take away the rage

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on
They're all dead and gone

Surrender

Segment 1: Choices







Segment 2: Life
I have come to understand that I am no good at at life. I have been living for 17.5 years now, and as i get older, it becomes harder and harder to be a person who reflects the person i think I'm supposed to be, by peoples standards, by my family's standards, and by my own standards. Its like i an incapable of being a whole, real person, on my own or with others. I'm disjointed and i hate it. That is shown by the faces, stories, lies, and unexplained realities that everyone knows about me, in comparison with t he unusual feature of my real self that is completely miserable and confused about its own identity. In short i have no idea what or who i am.
Every decision i have made, every choice over the last few years that i can think of has caused an inordinate amount of stress, anger, confusion, and all other kinds of problems. I try to live, but i fail at it. I'm not really good at much other than chronicling my own feelings, which usually change to frequently to be worth interpretation. I make choices that affect my life, but time after time i choose to do the thing that is going to turn out worst in the end. From College, to Friendships.
Being so poor at living, i have decided to give up. Life isn't my strong suit, so i quit. I'm done living. I surrender. This isn't a suicide note, so don't freak out. This is just my way of explaining things. Honestly this isn't out of depression either. Its reality. I don't think I have been this indifferent about anything in my whole life. Ordinarily i wouldn't even bother posting something like this for two reasons: i just don't care about this move in my "life", and i dont want to deal with the reactiosn of most of my readers.
I'm Breaking that protocall becasue this may become inportant to remember, so im chronicling it. Also this may have ramifications to which someoen might be interested, thought i doubt it.
In giving up on life, I also am shutting down my Social "Outboard Motor" (ask me yourself for an explination of that metaphore). In simple terms it means i wont be seeking any form of social interaction anymore. If it comes to me, sure, ill take it. For example the Davis's Harvest party. My parents are going, and im sure they expect me to go, so i will go and socialize, but if i had to arrange my own way there, i wouldn't go.
The reason for this si simply that i have gown tired of most people. I can name a few exceptions, but generallyt hat is the case. It's not because of people, its mostly myself. I can't seem to hold a real live friendship anymore without some form of fake bravado or lie to cover how much i really hate myself. Its not worth it anymore, at least not to me. Again i doubt the impact of this will be significant as im not the kind of person people seek to hang out with. I dont really fit with many people, and at this moment, I see that as a good thing.
In the past i woudlnt have made such a social policy "public" but as my readership has all but died, i dont expect many peopel will see this. I can think of three peopel who might read this, and two of them havent actually met me in person before, so to them, this really dooesnt apply. I have 6 IM accounts and i talk to two people on one of them. That about says it all i guess.

Segment 3: Stronger
A mixture of confusion and fear eminated form the many peopel who sat mumering in the church pews, forced to stay in those seats at gunpoint. These are faces he knew, but none had really ever known him. That wasnt surprising. He was tempted to scan their faces, to look through the crown for the one face he knew would be most concerned for him. He refrained. His colorless eyes pointed strait ahead, hidden behind an unorganized, yet still well kept lock of red tinted brown hair.
Words were spoke from the person standing down the asile, angry words, but he didnt hear them. They were drowned out by the tones and words of the music tha tplayed in his ear from the wires attatched to the device in his pocket. That first man, dressed in black kevlar armor and brandishing a shiny balistic weapon at him moved a little closer. That was all it took.
He didnt know exactly how far the distance between himself and the frist man was, so he was unable to be impressed at the speed in which three shots rang out. He felt the bullets fly armlessly past him as that distance closed to zero. His enteir body was in the air after a great leap, the full weight of his body, combined with the momentum of his movements were thrown into his first blow, the second, an elbow, finding its open target only a fraciton of a second later. A knife, taken from the gunmans own belt, made quick work of the veins in the gunman's neck.
The next gunman had only tiem to draw his glossy black peice before his arm was entangled in a lock, and a colision into his chest knocked him to the ground. After that he had only enough whit to feel an shoe puch his fae at an odd angle and a snap in the back of his neck, before everything was black forever.
Two. How many had there been holding these people at gunpoint? Seven? Ten? He hadn't counted, but two were dead and the rest now understood that it was time to open fire. The bullets of the two now just up the aisle of him flew past, much closer to hitting him that the first gunman's had been. Angrily, following a feral instinct, he dropped to the ground, stil rushing forward, though now with the help of his hands which clawed at the carpeted floor. Bullets tore at his shirt as the two in front of him fell amid the dlurry of his ckicks and the slashes of his stolen knife.
He was now in front of the altar of the chappel. Now all the other gunmen had a clear shot at him. His black, button down shirt gave way under the relentless spray of bullets, revealing his now bleeding chest. His eyes closed and the feral instinct now faded into his full personality as lead casings fell to the ground around him, after hitting his solid skin.
The Spray of hot metal stopped, the gunment curious and now afraid. The hostages, once his friends, watched, not curiously terrified of what he might be. His eyes opened. No longer blakc human eyes. Blue, with that dark red symbol in their centers, replacing the pupils. More victims would come... and there was no rainbow to stop him. No Alyssa. Not this time.


Segment 4: Headstrong

Circling your, circling your, circling your head,
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later
I see your fantasy, You want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, Inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide


Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re Headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away


Conclusions manifest, your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you’re full of it, and that’s alright
That’s how you play, I guess you’ll get through every night
Well now that’s over
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah) Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

Control

Segment 1: "I don't think God Wants us necessarily to be 'happy'... he wants us to love and be loved..." C.S. Lewis
Here is a thought that has been building in my mind for some time now. A thought on happiness (meaning joy). Human beings Spend he majority of their energy every day, not in physical activity, but in mental processes. Some scientist theorize that physical exertion only fatigues a person when that exertion is over thought. The same theories that apply to tiredness and fatigue typically apply to emotional status as well, at least in clinical terminology. This being said, here is my extension theory as it applies to human interaction: Generally, the more people have to think, the less happy they are.
No, i'm not making a joke. If you think about it logically, it makes sense. People who I an easier time repossessing information can maintain a level of joy in a higher stress environment. Those who's minds work a little slower, obviously would not be able to be as happy in such a high-thought environment. So far the Logic is basic.
But think about how this applies to stress in the life of the averages person. If a person is happy, this usually can be implied to relate to the number of complications in their life, family, job, etc. Complications in any situation, whether theoretical or real life, force a persons mind to process the stipulations of that complication. The more complications, the more processes required, and the more stress on the mind.
Let me give you a few real life examples. A sheltered homeschool student (i know its a stereotype, let it be) can generally maintain a happier lifestyle as long as their views of the world are unchanged. If that homeschooler were shown a bit more of the worlds true colors, that person would have to compare his viewpoint against reality, thus resulting in complications. This scenario is called "Innocence Vs. Reality". It is best explain by the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss": The less a person knows, the less they have to think and the greater chances of maintianing a happy, albeit delusional life.
Another example would be a rural person. Farmer, countryman, woodsman, redneck, call him what you will, has chosen a life that generally is without the complications of a much more "civilized" society. Generally speaking (again with a stereotype, i'm afraid) people who live in this lifestyle are considered "slow" this makes sense in keeping with the theory that those who do not process information at a high rate would be happiest in a low-thought environment.
Now to apply this. At least in my own life I know that a portion of my own unhappiness comes from an "Innocence vs. reality" complication. I was very delusional about my world until the age of about 14, when the world was shown to me in a very clear way. I have been taught well how o use my brain, though recently i have forgotten that learning, so when the ignorance of my childhood was made clear, i was able to process new information and maintain a level of happiness. But my level of function was not to match with the amount of reality i had missed.

Segment 2: Mistakes that Cost Me Someone Dear
I realized a long time ago that i wasn't happy. I'm not sure what it was, but all within the same year every aspect of my life became riddled with complications. Complications in my family, with what i believed socially and politically. Complications with friends and with Church leaders. Most Importantly Complications with who I was, which led to complications with my relationship with God. Some of these complications i was able to handle, but the sheer number of them all piled on me at the same time disabled me form processing all the information. Some complications became too hard for me and my innocence was lost, and with it, a good part of my joy.
Unhappiness for me turned to anger, which i easily hid under a practices "happy face" persona that i have only recently begun to shed. In my anger I made a long series of bad choices that i still have to deal with, both in practice and consequences. My attempt at dealing with the complications in my life, the anger, became in and of itself, my biggest complication. I hated. Pure and simple. not directed or controlled hate.. just hate. Mostly at myself, but used against everyone else as an excuse to make more mistakes.
I hated what I was becoming, but I hated enough that I could blame God for it.
Making a long story.. not quite as long. I have to make an apology to alot of people, for a lot of reasons. But firstly to a few select friends. I am I liar. i have lied alot, mostly to the people who are most important to me. I have said things about myself that aren't true, building stories and facts and a past that shows me to be a completely different person that who I am. I wish now I could have been honest. These lies, that have become so habitual, have cost me some very dear friends.
Why would i lie most to the people who i felt i could trust most? I didn't really understand it myself for a while, and i hated that i did it, but I couldn't stop. Finally as "the truth was finding me out" i began to understand with t he help of my parents, that I was so completely unhappy with myself and who I was that i needed to replace the parts of myself that i hates with a me that seemed to fit the anger that i felt. The lies weren't even edifying to myself. To most of you, this apology does not apply.
After losing almost everything that supported my lies, and in the process some things that were genuinely good for me, I am struggling back to who God wants me to be again. I Don't really know if i'm going to be happy until i'm with God, but then thats the point, isn't it. We made this unhappy world for ourselves, and God in his mercy created for us a place where we could be happy. Now I know thats where i'm headed... and that makes me Happy
Segment 3: A Fictional Narrative: The Face In a Dream
Her eyes were pale green circles that absorbed all the details of the room despite the darkness that would blind most any other person. A single tear issued form one eye down an smooth cheek, disappearing into the darkness thereafter. In such pitch darkness the color of her hair didn't matter much. Indeed her hair was her most noticeable feature, in direct sun almost golden, but otherwise a brown tone with red hints among its glossy waves. She had seen more than one person get lost just looking at her hair, however short in may have been. But now she was glad no one could see it, as the task at hand was to remain inconspicuous among the shadows. She was watching him, as always, protecting him and being with him. Naturally she was not a person that took to the background to this degree, but he needed her to be there, waiting to help him, and otherwise unseen.
At this moment, however, her will to stay in the shadows was torn. She could feel an unforgeable rage in him subside, or rather change seamlessly into a pull or twisting anguish and regret. She had always been able to feel what he felt, even as he did, to know in the pit of her stomach the gist of his emotions, intent, and even the feel of his thoughts. It was with those thoughts that he screamed for her now in his own pain filled way
A Feral snarl echoed in his throat, almost like a liquid sound issuing from him. A shining liquid dripped from him onto the cold, pointless lump on the floor, form his hands and his mouth. is had given his lips and teeth a glossy sheen. The snarl changed into a roar, sounding more lion in is volume than human. He felt her move with his sixth, unexplained sense. she was at his side, her hands in his back, the contact immediately soothing as she whispered words of their language to herself, hoping the magic would calm him. It did.
The unusual ability they shared to feel whenever anything moved around them, to see it or sense it, was one of the many attributes that only they understood. He could feel now the muscles of her face move, and he was able to visualize her face, its soft features forming the same love and compassion he felt from her heart. He finally looked into her eyes as they shared wordless conversation through their shared emotions. She consoled him, letting her love for him overwhelm the despair she felt so strongly from him over the control he had lost. That loss which had resulted in another lifeless victim who lay at his feet.
Each new victim tore at him. He longed to control this power but he so often failed. Too often. But with each failure she stood by him, not daunted by the mistakes. Her strength had pulled him through. The mistakes she had made in the past guided her as she helped him survive his own.
But that had been a time ago. She was gone now. The very things he had done not to lose her were the cause of this painful separation. But never again would he lose it. His control was his own. Thanks to her. Thanks to Alyssa.


Segment 4: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...



'cause I don't want you to know where I am

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.



I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.



I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.



I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.



And I can't let that happen again

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



So sorry for the person I became.

So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.