So this is being a grown up...: May 2011

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Can this be done now?

I'm coming to realize that my high school experience was normal. Yes, i know the saying here is no such thing, yadda, yadda; the point is, that compared to many homeschoolers, especially the ones at verity, I had a highschool experience that was closer to that of a public schooler. I'm not going to go into alot of explaining of what that entails, but I will admit most of it wasn't good or healthy. The advantage this brought me was that by the time I reached Verity, I had already gone through most of those social phases.

Another factor of my personality that is somewhat well documented is my general emotional state. Alot of things don't effect me on an emotional level the same as others. This is true for everyone, but in my case, the only real emotions i keep track of are, unfortunately, romantic ones. I want an adult relationship. I nearly had one before verity, and the aftermath has left my heart seeking to fill that void. I am trying to fill it with G-d and my parents until the right person comes along, but its not always in my control. Those being the strongest emotions i have, they are the ones i express most to the people I care about.

The people i trust most hear alot about my heart, and thus, think those emotions are a big deal to me. They are not, by choice. But, again, becuase they are the easiest for me to express, i talk about them alot giving a much grander summation of their value to me than is real. To put it simply, people i know think l like specific people way more or less than i really do because i talk about them alot. I know that because i want an adult relationship, every other person i have an interest in is really of no significance. But as those meotions are there, i share them to help myself deal with and get over them. This practice existed before Verity, but it was not well used, and caused me problems.

Enter Verity. I, in this situation of finding myself drawn to some people, express those emotions to people i trust, thinking that they, like me, have moved beyond highschool emotionally. To reiterate, those people I have chosen to share with take what I have been saying as a much bigger deal to me than it is. Some of them have moved beyond highschool, and they are helpful. Others have not. These others, who think that its very entertaining to spread around, or think i need help, share those overstuffed emotions with other people, who also have a highschoolish mentality. Thus, everything becomes a big deal.

I don't like big deals. Not when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

I'm not saying im more mature than anyone else. Believe me, I'm still deal with alot of "teenage" issues. I'll admit, i probably still have to develop my idea of who (and how many people) i can trust. I aware that I probably share some of the wrong things too freely sometimes. I could use some growing in that area. But even so, my flaws could be overcome if others would help me and themselves by growing up and not causing "big deals".

I'm done with Verity now, and my life before verity is pretty much gone, so at this point I suppose I can start anew. A big part of me is really ready to be done with childhood, and I feel like I'm finally leaving it behind. There is some carnage in the wake of my growing pains, but hopefully everyone else will forget or move past those blocks of rubble, just like i have.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, argued like a child; now that i have become a man, I have finished childish ways.