This time last year I was in love. Deeply. I absolutely believed, beyond any doubt I could conceive, that i would marry Rieola. I changed my major in college to be with her sooner. I planned my life around giving her a life.
I started at Verity. I suppose that has been the defining point of my year. At least everything that happened to me was redefined by the context of Verity. Good and bad, all were different because i was here. I was different. New people and a new place. It took me almost the whole year to realize this was my home. These were my new friends.
God was anew to me, I learnt so many lessons. Colossians 3:17 became my life verse for a time. It was what i wanted. The new people in my life liked me, and i was starting to like myself to a degree. David and Daniel were uplifting me and encouraging me. It was amazing. Love of Adonai Tseva'ot, friends, and A'Rieola.
The changes back home came so gradually i didnt notice. I distanced from friends slowly, watching them move on until, by the time summer came and i went home fro Veity, i felt like i had already lost them. As the moment came where i thought i could be with the one i loved, everything went the opposite of what i had planned. Everything changed. Everything.
The distant friendships i had been clinging onto collapsed, some by my doing, some by proxy, as i lost everything that had been my life to two years. I lost what i loved most. I still don't understand why. I spent the weeks of SSI with firends that i couldnt be freinds with. I was alone and crying inside while surrounded with people in a place that once had defined me.
I was in a new place. I was a new person. Six months had radically changed me. How could i expect SSi to be the same to me when i was not the same. I cant quantify how i was different, but i was. I wanted new and different things, though that was compounded by the loss of Rieola. Everything hurt. Memories were Everywhere. Home hurt.
I ran away as soon as I could, and found peace with my Adonai. Verity was safe for me. I forgot about the pain much faster than i believed i could. The crying only lasted a short time. I had a great summer with the others at schoo. I made firends and connected in a new way with others.
In the fall things got harder. its hard to say why exactly. I was a Senior. I became hard. Cruel, Distant. I Lost my love for Elohi and others around me. It was clear. Yet, at the same time i had a friend, a sister to fill some of the holes of abandonment i felt. At the same time she was totally new and fresh to me.
Even as i began to struggle with my hurts again, i felt new feelings for a new person arise. This i couldnt allow. I had loved before, and it had hurt. Moreso, I had loved and been wrong. I desire to connect and stay that way. Forever. Come hell and high water, i want to be with someone, to live for their betterment no matter what till i die. To make another connection like that on trivial feelings of attraction and crushes. My new sister, my best friend helped me thru that, as did the council of some of the Verity Leaders.
The fall led into winter faster than i could have imagined. I turned twenty. I found hte new challenge of Work-Study, which i enjoy beyond belief. School was going great. God began to prepare me for a trip to Isra'el ( a dream come true for me). Yet i was angry, sad, and alone, even in the social sphere of school
I left School in late november, dreading being home, dreading being back among the feelings and memories that i knew would torture me. Rieola wasnt there. All the love i had lost for her came flooding back. Yet i was new. I was different. And though i might have cried and struggled and fought, I survived.
I made it back to school, one year after starting. School was different. The firends i had were different. I was different.
I can't compare the person i was a year ago to the person i am now. I would like to, but its a hard thing to do. I know i am different, but it (in most cases) was a gradual change. I cant imagine being where i was then now. My goals are changed, and i like them. They suit me, rahter than Her and Me. I miss Rieola, but i cant really imagine being in love with her still. I have accepted that it ended, even as harshly as it did.
This year was defined by a total transformation. Both good and bad things happened, but i wouldn't change them. I can only pray that Adonai Roph'ekha will change me as much in the year to come as in the year past.
I started at Verity. I suppose that has been the defining point of my year. At least everything that happened to me was redefined by the context of Verity. Good and bad, all were different because i was here. I was different. New people and a new place. It took me almost the whole year to realize this was my home. These were my new friends.
God was anew to me, I learnt so many lessons. Colossians 3:17 became my life verse for a time. It was what i wanted. The new people in my life liked me, and i was starting to like myself to a degree. David and Daniel were uplifting me and encouraging me. It was amazing. Love of Adonai Tseva'ot, friends, and A'Rieola.
The changes back home came so gradually i didnt notice. I distanced from friends slowly, watching them move on until, by the time summer came and i went home fro Veity, i felt like i had already lost them. As the moment came where i thought i could be with the one i loved, everything went the opposite of what i had planned. Everything changed. Everything.
The distant friendships i had been clinging onto collapsed, some by my doing, some by proxy, as i lost everything that had been my life to two years. I lost what i loved most. I still don't understand why. I spent the weeks of SSI with firends that i couldnt be freinds with. I was alone and crying inside while surrounded with people in a place that once had defined me.
I was in a new place. I was a new person. Six months had radically changed me. How could i expect SSi to be the same to me when i was not the same. I cant quantify how i was different, but i was. I wanted new and different things, though that was compounded by the loss of Rieola. Everything hurt. Memories were Everywhere. Home hurt.
I ran away as soon as I could, and found peace with my Adonai. Verity was safe for me. I forgot about the pain much faster than i believed i could. The crying only lasted a short time. I had a great summer with the others at schoo. I made firends and connected in a new way with others.
In the fall things got harder. its hard to say why exactly. I was a Senior. I became hard. Cruel, Distant. I Lost my love for Elohi and others around me. It was clear. Yet, at the same time i had a friend, a sister to fill some of the holes of abandonment i felt. At the same time she was totally new and fresh to me.
Even as i began to struggle with my hurts again, i felt new feelings for a new person arise. This i couldnt allow. I had loved before, and it had hurt. Moreso, I had loved and been wrong. I desire to connect and stay that way. Forever. Come hell and high water, i want to be with someone, to live for their betterment no matter what till i die. To make another connection like that on trivial feelings of attraction and crushes. My new sister, my best friend helped me thru that, as did the council of some of the Verity Leaders.
The fall led into winter faster than i could have imagined. I turned twenty. I found hte new challenge of Work-Study, which i enjoy beyond belief. School was going great. God began to prepare me for a trip to Isra'el ( a dream come true for me). Yet i was angry, sad, and alone, even in the social sphere of school
I left School in late november, dreading being home, dreading being back among the feelings and memories that i knew would torture me. Rieola wasnt there. All the love i had lost for her came flooding back. Yet i was new. I was different. And though i might have cried and struggled and fought, I survived.
I made it back to school, one year after starting. School was different. The firends i had were different. I was different.
I can't compare the person i was a year ago to the person i am now. I would like to, but its a hard thing to do. I know i am different, but it (in most cases) was a gradual change. I cant imagine being where i was then now. My goals are changed, and i like them. They suit me, rahter than Her and Me. I miss Rieola, but i cant really imagine being in love with her still. I have accepted that it ended, even as harshly as it did.
This year was defined by a total transformation. Both good and bad things happened, but i wouldn't change them. I can only pray that Adonai Roph'ekha will change me as much in the year to come as in the year past.
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