Petrified

Segment 1 : Precognition
A conversation i had with a friend of mine recently got me to thinking about how the human brain thinks about the future. My Last post on the idea of a singularity touched on the question of whether the choices we make create an inevitable result. For the sake of argument, lets say we are all bound by the rule of singularity. that one decision will generate an inescapable end result or path. If that is the case, is the human mind properly equipped to estimate what those consequences will be?
I believe, through my experience that everyone has an ability that does not necessarily fit into the realm of natural thinking. Not quite to the powerful extreme of defying physics, like in the TV Show HEROES, or in comic books, such as XMen, but more subtle, understandable gifts. A friend of mine recently commented while walking down a hallway with offices on either side, that each door reminded him of a different song, not because of anything about them. As he walked down the hall the "music in his head" changed. He told me one or two of the songs, and as I walked by one of the office windows, I noticed the song he had just named was playing through headphones on a computer, which was receiving a radio signal and streaming the music, in the office he had associated the song with. Perhaps coincidence, but i doubted it. My Own awkward sense of smell is another example, though possibly more easy to explain that a boy who's brain can pick up radio signals.
I have now met more than one person who seem to get images of specific events before they happen. This is something i have observed in minor cases in many people including myself. Years ago I remember thinking off handedly that my mom would be alot busier during my highschool, even to much to be in charge of my education as she had in grade school. My Freshman year, my mom bought a business, and was unable to teach me, so i hade to homeschool myself.
It is this precognition, that many people seem to have even though they don't realize it. I wouldn't say its telling the future necessarily. I sometimes wonder if there are consequences to choices that can't be avoided no matter what choice you make, is the mind capable of seeing those conclusions before they happen? If a singularity exists, then is it possible to see then end result of that decision?

Segment 2: Average
There are some truly extraordinary people in my life. I'm very proud if the circles of people around me, who I can claim that I associate with. I Honestly think if I were to combine the best of the people i know, they would be nearly super human.
But while there are amazing people around me, it only makes another fact more obvious: i am unequivocally average. There isn't alot extraordinary about me, save perhaps my ability to be negative while everyone thinks im doing great. I don't do anyhting extraordinarily, but work hard for everything, and that propensity for hard work is not a talent either. Im not wonderfly inteligent, anaytical, athletic, spiritual, or strong. There is nothing rerribly remarkable about me. im the kind of person you can look at and forget the next second. Im a face in a crowd of many.
Off hand i can think of two peopel who are annoyingly attractive, one who's analytical abilities, though learned over time, let him spot flaws in nearly any argument. Put me by a chess board and i will know how to play. I might even beat someone. Put me in front of the microphone and i will preform for the crowd, but they will only see the mask of "entertainer". it takes me four days to pull together coherent thoughts to form even one of these blog "segments", and they are often plagarized form the inteligent words in conversation i have had with a friend who has already figured out what I have to say.
While i apreciate the encouraging disagreements that some readers will probbably have, let me say this. I dont mind being average. I'm not alone, and its ok to be considered middle of the pack. I do extraordinarily at one thing, but i can get along doing alot of things. I doubt i'll become someone who stands our from the cowd. And thats ok.
I'm sure there is something specal about me. I just dont know myself well enough to know what is its. I'm not sure what i am or who i am right now. And what is strangest is that it doesnt bother me.

Segment 3: Character Introduction: Mark
"Jason..." Day said quietly, having lost interest in the battle a few moments earlier.
Jason looked at his sister, recognizing the sound of fear in her voice. He followed her line of sight to a figure that stood on the cobblestone road between the beach and the buildings of the city, looking at them. He wore a light leather armor and carried a thin sword in his belt. Most of his face, including his right eye and mouth, was covered in bandages. For the most part the wrap around his head were white, but in some areas they were red from the boy's blood. Two well armed Sentries stood on either side of him.
From what he could see of the person, Jason guessed him to be about their age, probably older. He recognized a sad anger in the eye of the newcomer. "Hey," Jason motioned to the bandaged youth with a wave of his arm. "Come join us."
The Boy seemed a bit surprised at Jason's call. Darr and Leon looked at their friend quizzically. Ignoring them Jason waved at him again.
Hesitantly the boy ventured toward them from the road. His sentries remained still. "Why did you want you want me to join you?" his question seemed shy and a little fearful.
Jason met his shyness with a friendly smile. "You're wearing a sword. Either you know a little about fighting or you want people to think you do."
Beneath the cloth, the boy smiled. "Indeed. My name is Markus Lange." He extended a hand, which Jason shook fondly.
After briefly introducing the others, Markus and Jason soon agreed to square off.
"His stance is high, but still fairly well rooted into the ground," Jason analyzed in his mind. "He draws a lot from speed, like Darr, but it's a fairly basic stance, so he might even use a style like my own." Jason continued to look over his opponent for a long moment. "Why isn't he attacking?" Jason with a slight shock realized that Markus wasn't going to attack.
Jason darted slightly to his right before leaping through the air at Mark. This Move was risky, due to Marks Bandage over his right eye. He may have had little depth perception, but it was easier to maintain single focus over any movement to his left side.
Regardless of the weakness, Jason covered the distance between them in one hard step. In the air, he shifted his weight so his legs were flying in front of him, replicating the attack Darr had tried earlier. Just before his kick came in range, Jason drove he left foot to the ground, throwing all of his power and momentum to his right leg, which he brought far to high.
Though a powerful attack, Mark took its full impact on his wrist guard without flinching. The height of the kick had thrown off Jason's balance, forcing him to fall back on his right hand.
"It worked," Jason smiled to himself as he again shifted his balance onto his palm, which was planted in the ground, freeing his left leg. Utilizing the unoccupied limb, he swept it strait up at Mark's chin. The blow was narrowly dodged
Then, pushing off with his planted arm and displaying his impressive strength, Jason was back in the air. He brought t his legs together and down hard, causing sand to fly. Before he had a good stance he lunged at Mark with a hard left. The motion caused more momentum than Jason had been prepared for, and with no balance Jason continued taking powerful swipes, moving forward with each blow. His hands reined a perilous series of blows. Mark avoided each of the shots with a simple step back.
Jason and Mark continued a gradual march along the beach, Jason always just out of reach for a strike, but trying for one. He was beginning to grow frustrated at his opponent's style. He had almost had enough when he realized that his next strike would be in range, even if Mark backed up. He brought his right fist down on a hammer to Mark's temple. The blow was blocked.
With speed like Jason had seen only from Shai, Mark took his first strike, right through the center of Jason's defense. The punch landed far harder than any of Jason's own could.
Jason could feel Mark's pointer and middle knuckles grind into his shoulder. From Darr or Leon this hit would be nothing, but this man... Jason thought. I can hardly feel my arm through the pain. Anger flared in Jason as he swept around, delivering two hard hammer strikes to the right side of Mark's head, utilizing he blind spot of the bandages. A low blow, but his style is so... Jason didn't finish his thought at his second strike met its target.
The force knocked Mark to his back, one hand clutching his bandaged face. As the dust settled, Mark looked at Jason, fresh blood soaking through his wraps.
Mark spoke slowly, without looking up. "I know my tactics are exasperating, Jason. But with only one eye it's all I can do. Had I the will to use both, this might be a fair match."
Jason was filled with abject shame, though no words of apology came to his mind that seemed fitting. Leon and Darr's hot stares burning into his back. He couldn't find it in himself to move or speak or even look at Mark. The over bearing silence for the moment was suddenly broken when Jason felt two strong hands grip him from behind, holding him in place. he realized the the twin sentries who were with Mark served as bodyguards of some kind. the other sentry helped Mark to his feet from the sand.
Mark gave a nod to the sentry behind Jason, who responded to the command by releasing Jason's arms and backing away. "Jason," Mark continued, a sense of wariness in his voice, "I would like to fight you on an even plain. You are better than I am as it stands, I’ll admit that. Would it bother you for me to fight without my bandages?"
"Master Lange!" Exclaimed the sentries in unison, "Would that not be dangerous? Your wounds"
"Are no safer under a thin cloth wrapping than they are exposed to the clean sea air." Mark cut off his personal guard. "How about it, Jason?"
"Hai."
Mark smiled under the cloth, reaching up behind his head with his left hand. A single tug was enough to release the cloth and cause it to unravel and fall loosely around his shoulder.
"Jason..." Day whispered fearfully beside Jason as they all took in Marks face for the first time. His fair skin was marred across the front and sides by three long, parallel gashes from the claw of some animal. The red lines started somewhere in his hair and down across his cheek, one of them going right over his left eye. The stripes continued down and off his chin and began again just below his right collar bone. Stitches held the skin of his eyelid, upper lip, and chin closed, though not completely at some points. a trail of blood ran down from his hairline where Jason had his hit his target. Were it not for the liquid shimmer of the blood, it would have been near impossible to tell it apart from marks hair, which was a deep, almost unnatural red.
"Shall we?" Mark asked casually.
Jason nodded. Bending his knees and dropping his stance, both hands low, leaving his chest open, but ready to strike. He was a bit surprised as Mark assumed a stance. Jason deduced correctly that fighting with the retreating style he had used before, Mark had been able to observe Jason's methods without revealing any of his own.
Mark stood almost strait up, hardly any bend in his legs. His left hand tucked behind his back as his right presented itself flat and open to Jason, as if offering him some invisible gift he had in his palm.
Both fighters sat in a stalemate for a log time. Neither were really prepared to take first action, but the stalemate could only last so long.
After Jason made one final adjustment to his stance, he broke the silence in motion. He threw all his weight into a hard sure toward Mark, leaving a sizable crater in the sand where his foot had made contact and pushed off of the ground. Mark hardly even blinked as Jason covered the distance between them in astonishing time. Jason thrust a direct punch to Mark's chest, but it was easily intercepted by Marks open hand.
Before he could even be absolutely sure what hit him, Jason's momentum was reversed and he landed on his back in the crater he had made a second before, his stomach clenched in a unexplained plain. He looked up at Mark. The Redhead's left leg was extended perfectly strait, he sharp ridge of his foot exposed. In a slow deliberate motion, he swung the foot around behind him and resumed his stance.
"The first step of NijunKen (Twenty movements)," Mark Stated materoffactly.
"I can feel where you kick made contact on the other side of my body," Jason said rubbing his stomach. "And I didn't even see it coming."
Mark Smiled. "You moved in with your left hand, limiting my access to your chest by closing off your body and keeping your right hand to guard your left side. I used KentaIch (Move One) to take advantage of the small opening between your arms. It’s a move I can’t do without good depth- perception, which I lose when my left eye is covered."
Jason accepted Marks extended hand. "You Moved Faster then before. Another advantage to being able to see, I suppose?"
Mark nodded with a wiry smile.
"I would be interested to Learn these 'Nijun-ken',"
"They are passed down in my family," Mark replied with a grave tone. "I have no problem using them on you, but will not teach them to you. and I’m afraid it’s quite discipline. My father called them the 'family laws'." Mark smiled absentmindedly as he continued. "They require a lot of understanding to create enforce and interpret."
"I want a try at that!" Shouted Darr.
Jason could only smile.

Segment 4: Tomorrow

Is it any wonder why I'm scared,
If I was a little younger would I care,
feeling like the walls are growing stronger,
i don't know if this cage can hold me any longer

you never dreamed you'd have to love your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded

i'm not afraid of tomorrow,
i'm only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire, and i'm looking through the eyes of someone else

I never thought they'd want me to go even faster,
never thought i took my foot off the gas,
everybody loves to be in on the pressure,
but i know they're all waiting for the crash

you never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded,
things have changed you've become a complication,
can make it through another days
humiliation

i'm not afraid of tomorrow,
i only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire and i'm looking through the eyes of someoneelse

someone else...

is it any wonder why the answer keeps me petrified ,
is it any wonder why ,
i'm scared

Follow

Segment 1: A Singularity
Evolutionary scientists theorize that the whole universe was created by a series of interconnected events over millions of years. According to theory, the first of these events caused an inevitable chain reaction that would inevitably cause the completion of human kind. In other words, one solitary random occurrence set something in motion, and because the first thing happened, everything had no choice but to happen. That first event is called a singularity. There are theories about singularities almost as proliferant as the many scienses that profess them.
In the Terminator Movie series, as well as the new TV show "The Sarah Connor Chronicles", the charachters fight to prevent a Technological signularity: one event that will casue a chain of events, bringing about a compter system that will destroy the world. Stop the Singularity, Stop the chain of events.
I believe life is a combination of Sigularities, signle desisions that begin chain reactions of events that shape the course of our lives. It is throug these singularitites theat God shows us how intimately he knows us. I could go into some length explaining how the idea of a singularity fits in with the Destiny vs. free will debates, but thats not somehitng i choose to go into.
As much (or little) sence as the idea of a singularity makes, there are a few issues that have to be faced. For example, even a sigularity has circumstances. Even a little event that casues a chain has to be caused itself. No desicion is independant, and relies on make choices made before. So this begs the question; can a singularity actualy exist if it relies on other choices. I suppose the difference between a solitary event casued by situation and a singularity, si that while bothe rely on previous desicions, a singularity will determine the outcome of the events and choices that follow it.
All of that to bring up the question; It there one event or choice that can define a persons life? I knwo the Church kids will say its coming to Christ, but being realistic, after that desision, a person can still do dumb things and mess up their life. There are major desisions that change things, of course. Lets look at someitng more speifically say a person is on a bad path in life that they cannot get off. Is that person on that path becasue of a single choice made long ago that doomed them to walk this path? Again we are venturing near the free will debate
Let us contemplate this for ourselves. If a person could trace theri life, the way things are, back to a single, root cause desision, a singularity, what would they think of thet desision? If we think of every moment as a a singularity, sending us down a road that cannot be avoided, would we take them differently?

Segment 2: Downswing
While I am able to remember faces of nearly everyone I see, my personality of the past few years makes the likelihood of people knowing me in return slim. Its an unsusual situation. Generally my personality doesnt lead me towards being an oberver, but on the other hand I dont find myself mixing with alot of the cliques that invarriably form. I'm a people person of a sort. I crace social interaction, but i dont seem to stay within a social circle or gorup for vary long. Alot of people know me, but I wouldnt say im in their clique.
I was talking to another freind of mine who doesnt find herself being as exclusive in her friendships. However she is on the opposite end of the clique jumper spectrum. She finds that she doenst see the clicques as much bet only becasue she is generally accepted into all of them, where I dont feel as I really belong to any group of friends. The difference is in temrtament.
I've realized that the past few years ahve seen me become alot harder and darker in my social temprament. I'm ot exactly sure as to the root casue of this change in social outlook, but it has become an irrevocable part of my personality. I am the "dark outsider" alot of people know who i am, but they dont know what to make of me, so while they consider me a friend and i consider them one, i dont form a part of their circle. Then there are those, like some from my old church, the either wont acknowledge that they know me, or dont like me.
I ave realized, that why the situation i am in socially is awkward, it doesnt bother me. As unnatural as it is to me and my personaity to be separated from people this way, I find myself actually liking the social interaction i have. I enjoy the reverse social action in a way that I dont really get. Perhaps its just that I get so little interaction, that even the shallow, disjointed interaction that I get is enough of an emotional upswing.
Therein lies another issue: The Upswing. My emotions and even my physical wellbeing is connected to my social contentment. Wen i go to events liek the Davis's Harvest Party, or the Demass's Events, and even SSI, it creates an emotional upswing in how much I enjoy being around people I at least get along with. The Downside to that is spesifically that: the down. An emotional upswing will inevitably produce an emotional downswing.

Segment 3: Character Introduction: Jason and Dannielle
As soon as he saw his sister’s face, Jason realized how little he had seen or heard form his sister since they came here. As she looked at him guilt welled up in he chest. “Hey, Day.”
Day shyly smiled. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” Jason moved over to make more room to sit on his bed. “What’s up, Day?” He asked as she sat down next to him.
“Nothing," Her voice was quiet, and touched Jason deep in his chest, the same as it always had, "I just feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever.”
“Yes,” Jason agreed, regret filling his throat. “We have done a grand job of being to preoccupied to be a family, haven’t we?”
She nodded.
Jason put his arm around Day’s shoulder. “We’ll have to try harder at that.”
“Well, I understand why we haven’t talked a lot." Her voice was sincere, but obviously she wasn't happy about it. "You’ve been busy. You’ve spent a lot more time with Regimund lately. And then there’s your work with Leon in the forge. There’s Anna too. I can tell you have feelings for her.”
Jason was shocked and slightly embarrassed as his sister’s insight. Aaron was bad enough, but his own little sister. That was too annoying. He smiled anyway. “What makes you think that?”
“Come on, Jason. It was obvious you felt something from the first moment you saw her. You do well at hiding it but I can read your mind. I’ll bet she’s on your mind a lot to.”
Jason smiled to himself. He had to admit his sister read him better than he gave her credit for. “You may be right. But nothing will ever come of it. She could never feel the same.”
“Why not?" Day looked into his eyes deeply. "She isn't very different from how I was after Dad and Kerr...” her voice throbbed for a moment when she said their brother's name. "Except she doesn't have a brother. Whether you are meant to act on you feelings for her, or not, she does need someone to be close to her. Its not something to be explained simply. Its a woman thing."
Jason laughed lightly. "I have been having the same thoughts. And its not so much a woman thing, I don't think," a little distance came into Jason's eyes as he looked at the floor. "Its more of a pain thing. Kari has the same... problem. For a while I was worried about my proximity to her, but since Aaron came thats been a little easier."
Day listened silently, leaning against her brother and eventually settling down into his chest. She looked a bit worried for a second. "You know. This isn't actually what I came here to talk about." She hesitated, rolling her next words around in her mouth. "I just wanted to remind you... I just didn't want you to forget"
"Your birthday next week," Jason finished smiling and filling the tiniest bit proud.
Day giggled and wormed her way out of his arms. "Don't you dare forget." She she said with a smile before darting through the door.


Segment 4: Heroes
Stare in wonder, who's here to bring you down?
Find your martyr, I'm sure you've made the crown
So light a fire under my bones, so when
I die for you, at least I'll die alone

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

Dark devotion in a beacon paradise
Shows no emotion to a willing sacrifice
You can put a man on trial, but you can't make the guilty pay
And you can cage an animal, but you can't take away the rage

Ain't nothing for me to end up like this
There's no comparing me this time

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on

All my heroes have now become ghosts
Sold their sorrow to the ones who paid the most
All my heroes are dead and gone
But they're inside of me, they still live on
They're all dead and gone

Surrender

Segment 1: Choices







Segment 2: Life
I have come to understand that I am no good at at life. I have been living for 17.5 years now, and as i get older, it becomes harder and harder to be a person who reflects the person i think I'm supposed to be, by peoples standards, by my family's standards, and by my own standards. Its like i an incapable of being a whole, real person, on my own or with others. I'm disjointed and i hate it. That is shown by the faces, stories, lies, and unexplained realities that everyone knows about me, in comparison with t he unusual feature of my real self that is completely miserable and confused about its own identity. In short i have no idea what or who i am.
Every decision i have made, every choice over the last few years that i can think of has caused an inordinate amount of stress, anger, confusion, and all other kinds of problems. I try to live, but i fail at it. I'm not really good at much other than chronicling my own feelings, which usually change to frequently to be worth interpretation. I make choices that affect my life, but time after time i choose to do the thing that is going to turn out worst in the end. From College, to Friendships.
Being so poor at living, i have decided to give up. Life isn't my strong suit, so i quit. I'm done living. I surrender. This isn't a suicide note, so don't freak out. This is just my way of explaining things. Honestly this isn't out of depression either. Its reality. I don't think I have been this indifferent about anything in my whole life. Ordinarily i wouldn't even bother posting something like this for two reasons: i just don't care about this move in my "life", and i dont want to deal with the reactiosn of most of my readers.
I'm Breaking that protocall becasue this may become inportant to remember, so im chronicling it. Also this may have ramifications to which someoen might be interested, thought i doubt it.
In giving up on life, I also am shutting down my Social "Outboard Motor" (ask me yourself for an explination of that metaphore). In simple terms it means i wont be seeking any form of social interaction anymore. If it comes to me, sure, ill take it. For example the Davis's Harvest party. My parents are going, and im sure they expect me to go, so i will go and socialize, but if i had to arrange my own way there, i wouldn't go.
The reason for this si simply that i have gown tired of most people. I can name a few exceptions, but generallyt hat is the case. It's not because of people, its mostly myself. I can't seem to hold a real live friendship anymore without some form of fake bravado or lie to cover how much i really hate myself. Its not worth it anymore, at least not to me. Again i doubt the impact of this will be significant as im not the kind of person people seek to hang out with. I dont really fit with many people, and at this moment, I see that as a good thing.
In the past i woudlnt have made such a social policy "public" but as my readership has all but died, i dont expect many peopel will see this. I can think of three peopel who might read this, and two of them havent actually met me in person before, so to them, this really dooesnt apply. I have 6 IM accounts and i talk to two people on one of them. That about says it all i guess.

Segment 3: Stronger
A mixture of confusion and fear eminated form the many peopel who sat mumering in the church pews, forced to stay in those seats at gunpoint. These are faces he knew, but none had really ever known him. That wasnt surprising. He was tempted to scan their faces, to look through the crown for the one face he knew would be most concerned for him. He refrained. His colorless eyes pointed strait ahead, hidden behind an unorganized, yet still well kept lock of red tinted brown hair.
Words were spoke from the person standing down the asile, angry words, but he didnt hear them. They were drowned out by the tones and words of the music tha tplayed in his ear from the wires attatched to the device in his pocket. That first man, dressed in black kevlar armor and brandishing a shiny balistic weapon at him moved a little closer. That was all it took.
He didnt know exactly how far the distance between himself and the frist man was, so he was unable to be impressed at the speed in which three shots rang out. He felt the bullets fly armlessly past him as that distance closed to zero. His enteir body was in the air after a great leap, the full weight of his body, combined with the momentum of his movements were thrown into his first blow, the second, an elbow, finding its open target only a fraciton of a second later. A knife, taken from the gunmans own belt, made quick work of the veins in the gunman's neck.
The next gunman had only tiem to draw his glossy black peice before his arm was entangled in a lock, and a colision into his chest knocked him to the ground. After that he had only enough whit to feel an shoe puch his fae at an odd angle and a snap in the back of his neck, before everything was black forever.
Two. How many had there been holding these people at gunpoint? Seven? Ten? He hadn't counted, but two were dead and the rest now understood that it was time to open fire. The bullets of the two now just up the aisle of him flew past, much closer to hitting him that the first gunman's had been. Angrily, following a feral instinct, he dropped to the ground, stil rushing forward, though now with the help of his hands which clawed at the carpeted floor. Bullets tore at his shirt as the two in front of him fell amid the dlurry of his ckicks and the slashes of his stolen knife.
He was now in front of the altar of the chappel. Now all the other gunmen had a clear shot at him. His black, button down shirt gave way under the relentless spray of bullets, revealing his now bleeding chest. His eyes closed and the feral instinct now faded into his full personality as lead casings fell to the ground around him, after hitting his solid skin.
The Spray of hot metal stopped, the gunment curious and now afraid. The hostages, once his friends, watched, not curiously terrified of what he might be. His eyes opened. No longer blakc human eyes. Blue, with that dark red symbol in their centers, replacing the pupils. More victims would come... and there was no rainbow to stop him. No Alyssa. Not this time.


Segment 4: Headstrong

Circling your, circling your, circling your head,
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later
I see your fantasy, You want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, Inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide


Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re Headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away


Conclusions manifest, your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you’re full of it, and that’s alright
That’s how you play, I guess you’ll get through every night
Well now that’s over
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah) Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

Control

Segment 1: "I don't think God Wants us necessarily to be 'happy'... he wants us to love and be loved..." C.S. Lewis
Here is a thought that has been building in my mind for some time now. A thought on happiness (meaning joy). Human beings Spend he majority of their energy every day, not in physical activity, but in mental processes. Some scientist theorize that physical exertion only fatigues a person when that exertion is over thought. The same theories that apply to tiredness and fatigue typically apply to emotional status as well, at least in clinical terminology. This being said, here is my extension theory as it applies to human interaction: Generally, the more people have to think, the less happy they are.
No, i'm not making a joke. If you think about it logically, it makes sense. People who I an easier time repossessing information can maintain a level of joy in a higher stress environment. Those who's minds work a little slower, obviously would not be able to be as happy in such a high-thought environment. So far the Logic is basic.
But think about how this applies to stress in the life of the averages person. If a person is happy, this usually can be implied to relate to the number of complications in their life, family, job, etc. Complications in any situation, whether theoretical or real life, force a persons mind to process the stipulations of that complication. The more complications, the more processes required, and the more stress on the mind.
Let me give you a few real life examples. A sheltered homeschool student (i know its a stereotype, let it be) can generally maintain a happier lifestyle as long as their views of the world are unchanged. If that homeschooler were shown a bit more of the worlds true colors, that person would have to compare his viewpoint against reality, thus resulting in complications. This scenario is called "Innocence Vs. Reality". It is best explain by the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss": The less a person knows, the less they have to think and the greater chances of maintianing a happy, albeit delusional life.
Another example would be a rural person. Farmer, countryman, woodsman, redneck, call him what you will, has chosen a life that generally is without the complications of a much more "civilized" society. Generally speaking (again with a stereotype, i'm afraid) people who live in this lifestyle are considered "slow" this makes sense in keeping with the theory that those who do not process information at a high rate would be happiest in a low-thought environment.
Now to apply this. At least in my own life I know that a portion of my own unhappiness comes from an "Innocence vs. reality" complication. I was very delusional about my world until the age of about 14, when the world was shown to me in a very clear way. I have been taught well how o use my brain, though recently i have forgotten that learning, so when the ignorance of my childhood was made clear, i was able to process new information and maintain a level of happiness. But my level of function was not to match with the amount of reality i had missed.

Segment 2: Mistakes that Cost Me Someone Dear
I realized a long time ago that i wasn't happy. I'm not sure what it was, but all within the same year every aspect of my life became riddled with complications. Complications in my family, with what i believed socially and politically. Complications with friends and with Church leaders. Most Importantly Complications with who I was, which led to complications with my relationship with God. Some of these complications i was able to handle, but the sheer number of them all piled on me at the same time disabled me form processing all the information. Some complications became too hard for me and my innocence was lost, and with it, a good part of my joy.
Unhappiness for me turned to anger, which i easily hid under a practices "happy face" persona that i have only recently begun to shed. In my anger I made a long series of bad choices that i still have to deal with, both in practice and consequences. My attempt at dealing with the complications in my life, the anger, became in and of itself, my biggest complication. I hated. Pure and simple. not directed or controlled hate.. just hate. Mostly at myself, but used against everyone else as an excuse to make more mistakes.
I hated what I was becoming, but I hated enough that I could blame God for it.
Making a long story.. not quite as long. I have to make an apology to alot of people, for a lot of reasons. But firstly to a few select friends. I am I liar. i have lied alot, mostly to the people who are most important to me. I have said things about myself that aren't true, building stories and facts and a past that shows me to be a completely different person that who I am. I wish now I could have been honest. These lies, that have become so habitual, have cost me some very dear friends.
Why would i lie most to the people who i felt i could trust most? I didn't really understand it myself for a while, and i hated that i did it, but I couldn't stop. Finally as "the truth was finding me out" i began to understand with t he help of my parents, that I was so completely unhappy with myself and who I was that i needed to replace the parts of myself that i hates with a me that seemed to fit the anger that i felt. The lies weren't even edifying to myself. To most of you, this apology does not apply.
After losing almost everything that supported my lies, and in the process some things that were genuinely good for me, I am struggling back to who God wants me to be again. I Don't really know if i'm going to be happy until i'm with God, but then thats the point, isn't it. We made this unhappy world for ourselves, and God in his mercy created for us a place where we could be happy. Now I know thats where i'm headed... and that makes me Happy
Segment 3: A Fictional Narrative: The Face In a Dream
Her eyes were pale green circles that absorbed all the details of the room despite the darkness that would blind most any other person. A single tear issued form one eye down an smooth cheek, disappearing into the darkness thereafter. In such pitch darkness the color of her hair didn't matter much. Indeed her hair was her most noticeable feature, in direct sun almost golden, but otherwise a brown tone with red hints among its glossy waves. She had seen more than one person get lost just looking at her hair, however short in may have been. But now she was glad no one could see it, as the task at hand was to remain inconspicuous among the shadows. She was watching him, as always, protecting him and being with him. Naturally she was not a person that took to the background to this degree, but he needed her to be there, waiting to help him, and otherwise unseen.
At this moment, however, her will to stay in the shadows was torn. She could feel an unforgeable rage in him subside, or rather change seamlessly into a pull or twisting anguish and regret. She had always been able to feel what he felt, even as he did, to know in the pit of her stomach the gist of his emotions, intent, and even the feel of his thoughts. It was with those thoughts that he screamed for her now in his own pain filled way
A Feral snarl echoed in his throat, almost like a liquid sound issuing from him. A shining liquid dripped from him onto the cold, pointless lump on the floor, form his hands and his mouth. is had given his lips and teeth a glossy sheen. The snarl changed into a roar, sounding more lion in is volume than human. He felt her move with his sixth, unexplained sense. she was at his side, her hands in his back, the contact immediately soothing as she whispered words of their language to herself, hoping the magic would calm him. It did.
The unusual ability they shared to feel whenever anything moved around them, to see it or sense it, was one of the many attributes that only they understood. He could feel now the muscles of her face move, and he was able to visualize her face, its soft features forming the same love and compassion he felt from her heart. He finally looked into her eyes as they shared wordless conversation through their shared emotions. She consoled him, letting her love for him overwhelm the despair she felt so strongly from him over the control he had lost. That loss which had resulted in another lifeless victim who lay at his feet.
Each new victim tore at him. He longed to control this power but he so often failed. Too often. But with each failure she stood by him, not daunted by the mistakes. Her strength had pulled him through. The mistakes she had made in the past guided her as she helped him survive his own.
But that had been a time ago. She was gone now. The very things he had done not to lose her were the cause of this painful separation. But never again would he lose it. His control was his own. Thanks to her. Thanks to Alyssa.


Segment 4: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...



'cause I don't want you to know where I am

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.



I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.



I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.



I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.



And I can't let that happen again

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



So sorry for the person I became.

So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

Peices

Segment I: The University of Confusion Life has thrown my yet again. I'm Starting to make sense of things.of my mistakes and my past. Starting to make sense of who I am. Starting to make my way back to being a whole person. For the past month I have been grieving the loss of a friendship, and that hasn't been making thing easier. It's been adding to a list of regrets from the past year or more. Over the past two weeks my parents and I have been struggling to register with Patrick Henry Online, meeting with hurtles and problems at almost every step of the way. Classes for PHC online start today. I had planned to Take Logic, US History, Theology, and Geometry. But, with all the problems we had in registering, and my disapointing 1.4 gpa last semester, my parents and I decided to withdraw for PHC. I let myself down again. PHC for me was a dream school, the places i really felt i wanted to be and was supposed to be. It hurt alot when I failed last semester, and since then i havent had the will to go back, so in that way withdrawing is a good thing. Regardless, it does add alot onto the pile of emotional pain I've been feeling recently. "...a college career with a painful failed attempt at a level of excellence he had never in his life achieved. The will, goal and dream to change the world, which until now had been driven by school, faced before him as he faced his status as 'failure'" It's depressing, especially when I read the posted scedules of all of the peopel around me who are coung to school, knowing i wont be with the, I'm Not sure what happens now. Im going to look into applying to Hillsdale for the Spring Semester. Unfortunately Hillsdale has no Distance Learning Option, so if i do decide to go there, it would mean on campus. Im not sure about that. It would mean moving to Hillsdale, which is prefferable to Virginia, i suppose. So A form of a choice is before me. I have the semester off, as its too late to apply anywhere But As for next semsester, i have no clue. Should i go to Hillsdale, provided I'm accepted? Perhaps it woudl help me with my other problem if i were away for a time, but i dont know. I would apreciate comments. Segment II: A Fictional Narative: Black and White Rainbow How could he be so happy? Of course things werent easy in the outside world, but could somehting like this really make him forget all of this pain? Not something. Someone. This wasn't a love story, or at least it shoudlt have been. But this person he was looking at now. She made him happy. This was his sister. The sister he had not known he had until only a short time ago. They had danced together and laughed together and shared everyting since they had fond each other, and this was not a love story. Or at least it shouldnt have been. She was the person behind him who undertsood when he talked while other didnt. The supportive friend. It felt odd to be protected by someone. It had been so long since anyone had protected him. She was even protecting him from himself. The perfect older sister. So happy he didnt notice that she wasn't as strong as he had thought. She needed protecting. But like an idiot he didnt see that. There it was, in the moment when he was most happy, a look of pain etched across her face. He even asked her about it, but didnt think about that which he had asked. She wantd to cry but no tears would come. She was pretecting him, but he was hurting her. This was not a love story, but she cared enough for him to protect him even though it hurt her. It only came to him after it was to late to rectify, when at last he understood what he had done. the pain on her face, now the only thing he could see, would never be replaced with that smiling face again. This was not a love story. He had seen a rainbow, but she was seeing black and white. Segment III I tried to be perfect, It just wasn't worth it, Nothing could ever be so wrong. It’s hard to believe me, It never gets easy, I guess I knew that all along. If you believe it’s in my soul, I’d say all the words that I know, Just to see if it would show, That I'm trying to let you know, That I’m better off on my own.

Waking dreams broken

Dreams have played a significant role in my life the past few months. They Change and stay the same. the Night Dreams are becoming more and more clear, while the daydreams and goals seem to get more and more obscured. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do anymore. I used to find Joy in things that i thought were leading me down one path. That path is still the only one i have, so i walk it, but i walk it alone, and without the joy I had when I was younger.
Many people I talk to don't understand what my dreams (of sleep) are. I sleep very little these days. When i do sleep, i have remnants of older dreams, but commonly i dream of two people. Two very clear and definable people.. very clear faces. For a while i believed this pair, a guy my age and a girl a little older, were real. That idea was shattered when, at SSI, the girl changed a little to look a bit more like someone i acutally do know. That is what makes this unusual. I dotn know these two. And in my waking hours their faces and sweet voiced echo in my head. The Girls name i know, Alyssa. The Boy isnt as clear to me in voice or name, but he is there.

ALYSSA


It id very unnerving to me that these are the only faces i want to see anymore, those faces of fiction my mind has created, yet which are so clear to me. I have been having a problem with people lately, moreso than ever before. I just cant Stand human contact for a reason that is yet to be understood fully by me. The past few weeks have made that easier, as My workload has changed, at home and at SSI. I have a few new task assignments at the ofice now: Capturing all the video from the Summer program, comiling htem into single files and preparing them on DVD's to sell, Listening through audio recordings of teaching sessions and preparing them to sell, and organizing and heading up the 0809 Ambassador League. The amount of time that goes itno making a single DVD and editing the audio for CD's makes brining my work home easy, and at the office its easy enought o hide in my corner and work all day without more than occasional updates to Jeff and James.

I know there are people around me who understand what i feel and think. They feel it themselves. the problem lies in that exact pnt. anyone who can really understand me is going through somehting just as bad and therefore has no solution. This bitter, hollow feeling is a learned trait, i understand, but it doesnt seem like somehting I can unlearn. For years now my life has been spinning, never setling, throwing me changes and wild cards, offering me choices, in which i always choose wrong. I have epxlained many facets of my agner desparation, fear and epression, from reasoning to rule, in privious entries, and it always seems hard to gather all teh scattered peices of my reason together into one post.
While there are people who understand, i still feel alone and helpless. Only in my head do i believe that God has not abandoned me. My heart is so open, waiting forsomeone.

My Heart is open to other But Closed to myself. Even as i write it all pors from my mind, and no feeling is in my words anymore, spoke or written. Its hard to know what I want to say beacuse no words will catch any emotion in me. i have to search, thinking hard to try and explain what i want to say.
There is a Song that puts it well:
"Broken Peices of the man i used ot be are all thats left of who I am; A shattered mass of all my countless broken Dreams, Wonder where i go from here?"