Control

Segment 1: "I don't think God Wants us necessarily to be 'happy'... he wants us to love and be loved..." C.S. Lewis
Here is a thought that has been building in my mind for some time now. A thought on happiness (meaning joy). Human beings Spend he majority of their energy every day, not in physical activity, but in mental processes. Some scientist theorize that physical exertion only fatigues a person when that exertion is over thought. The same theories that apply to tiredness and fatigue typically apply to emotional status as well, at least in clinical terminology. This being said, here is my extension theory as it applies to human interaction: Generally, the more people have to think, the less happy they are.
No, i'm not making a joke. If you think about it logically, it makes sense. People who I an easier time repossessing information can maintain a level of joy in a higher stress environment. Those who's minds work a little slower, obviously would not be able to be as happy in such a high-thought environment. So far the Logic is basic.
But think about how this applies to stress in the life of the averages person. If a person is happy, this usually can be implied to relate to the number of complications in their life, family, job, etc. Complications in any situation, whether theoretical or real life, force a persons mind to process the stipulations of that complication. The more complications, the more processes required, and the more stress on the mind.
Let me give you a few real life examples. A sheltered homeschool student (i know its a stereotype, let it be) can generally maintain a happier lifestyle as long as their views of the world are unchanged. If that homeschooler were shown a bit more of the worlds true colors, that person would have to compare his viewpoint against reality, thus resulting in complications. This scenario is called "Innocence Vs. Reality". It is best explain by the phrase "Ignorance is Bliss": The less a person knows, the less they have to think and the greater chances of maintianing a happy, albeit delusional life.
Another example would be a rural person. Farmer, countryman, woodsman, redneck, call him what you will, has chosen a life that generally is without the complications of a much more "civilized" society. Generally speaking (again with a stereotype, i'm afraid) people who live in this lifestyle are considered "slow" this makes sense in keeping with the theory that those who do not process information at a high rate would be happiest in a low-thought environment.
Now to apply this. At least in my own life I know that a portion of my own unhappiness comes from an "Innocence vs. reality" complication. I was very delusional about my world until the age of about 14, when the world was shown to me in a very clear way. I have been taught well how o use my brain, though recently i have forgotten that learning, so when the ignorance of my childhood was made clear, i was able to process new information and maintain a level of happiness. But my level of function was not to match with the amount of reality i had missed.

Segment 2: Mistakes that Cost Me Someone Dear
I realized a long time ago that i wasn't happy. I'm not sure what it was, but all within the same year every aspect of my life became riddled with complications. Complications in my family, with what i believed socially and politically. Complications with friends and with Church leaders. Most Importantly Complications with who I was, which led to complications with my relationship with God. Some of these complications i was able to handle, but the sheer number of them all piled on me at the same time disabled me form processing all the information. Some complications became too hard for me and my innocence was lost, and with it, a good part of my joy.
Unhappiness for me turned to anger, which i easily hid under a practices "happy face" persona that i have only recently begun to shed. In my anger I made a long series of bad choices that i still have to deal with, both in practice and consequences. My attempt at dealing with the complications in my life, the anger, became in and of itself, my biggest complication. I hated. Pure and simple. not directed or controlled hate.. just hate. Mostly at myself, but used against everyone else as an excuse to make more mistakes.
I hated what I was becoming, but I hated enough that I could blame God for it.
Making a long story.. not quite as long. I have to make an apology to alot of people, for a lot of reasons. But firstly to a few select friends. I am I liar. i have lied alot, mostly to the people who are most important to me. I have said things about myself that aren't true, building stories and facts and a past that shows me to be a completely different person that who I am. I wish now I could have been honest. These lies, that have become so habitual, have cost me some very dear friends.
Why would i lie most to the people who i felt i could trust most? I didn't really understand it myself for a while, and i hated that i did it, but I couldn't stop. Finally as "the truth was finding me out" i began to understand with t he help of my parents, that I was so completely unhappy with myself and who I was that i needed to replace the parts of myself that i hates with a me that seemed to fit the anger that i felt. The lies weren't even edifying to myself. To most of you, this apology does not apply.
After losing almost everything that supported my lies, and in the process some things that were genuinely good for me, I am struggling back to who God wants me to be again. I Don't really know if i'm going to be happy until i'm with God, but then thats the point, isn't it. We made this unhappy world for ourselves, and God in his mercy created for us a place where we could be happy. Now I know thats where i'm headed... and that makes me Happy
Segment 3: A Fictional Narrative: The Face In a Dream
Her eyes were pale green circles that absorbed all the details of the room despite the darkness that would blind most any other person. A single tear issued form one eye down an smooth cheek, disappearing into the darkness thereafter. In such pitch darkness the color of her hair didn't matter much. Indeed her hair was her most noticeable feature, in direct sun almost golden, but otherwise a brown tone with red hints among its glossy waves. She had seen more than one person get lost just looking at her hair, however short in may have been. But now she was glad no one could see it, as the task at hand was to remain inconspicuous among the shadows. She was watching him, as always, protecting him and being with him. Naturally she was not a person that took to the background to this degree, but he needed her to be there, waiting to help him, and otherwise unseen.
At this moment, however, her will to stay in the shadows was torn. She could feel an unforgeable rage in him subside, or rather change seamlessly into a pull or twisting anguish and regret. She had always been able to feel what he felt, even as he did, to know in the pit of her stomach the gist of his emotions, intent, and even the feel of his thoughts. It was with those thoughts that he screamed for her now in his own pain filled way
A Feral snarl echoed in his throat, almost like a liquid sound issuing from him. A shining liquid dripped from him onto the cold, pointless lump on the floor, form his hands and his mouth. is had given his lips and teeth a glossy sheen. The snarl changed into a roar, sounding more lion in is volume than human. He felt her move with his sixth, unexplained sense. she was at his side, her hands in his back, the contact immediately soothing as she whispered words of their language to herself, hoping the magic would calm him. It did.
The unusual ability they shared to feel whenever anything moved around them, to see it or sense it, was one of the many attributes that only they understood. He could feel now the muscles of her face move, and he was able to visualize her face, its soft features forming the same love and compassion he felt from her heart. He finally looked into her eyes as they shared wordless conversation through their shared emotions. She consoled him, letting her love for him overwhelm the despair she felt so strongly from him over the control he had lost. That loss which had resulted in another lifeless victim who lay at his feet.
Each new victim tore at him. He longed to control this power but he so often failed. Too often. But with each failure she stood by him, not daunted by the mistakes. Her strength had pulled him through. The mistakes she had made in the past guided her as she helped him survive his own.
But that had been a time ago. She was gone now. The very things he had done not to lose her were the cause of this painful separation. But never again would he lose it. His control was his own. Thanks to her. Thanks to Alyssa.


Segment 4: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
I watched the proverbial sunrise

Coming up over the Pacific and

You might think I'm losing my mind,

But I will shy away from the specifics...



'cause I don't want you to know where I am

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there. Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.



I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.



I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside have finally begun

To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.



I heard the reverberating footsteps

Synching up to the beating of my heart,

And I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.



And I can't let that happen again

'cause then you'll see my heart

In the saddest state it's ever been.



This is no place to try and live my life.



So sorry for the person I became.

So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.