Waking dreams broken

Dreams have played a significant role in my life the past few months. They Change and stay the same. the Night Dreams are becoming more and more clear, while the daydreams and goals seem to get more and more obscured. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do anymore. I used to find Joy in things that i thought were leading me down one path. That path is still the only one i have, so i walk it, but i walk it alone, and without the joy I had when I was younger.
Many people I talk to don't understand what my dreams (of sleep) are. I sleep very little these days. When i do sleep, i have remnants of older dreams, but commonly i dream of two people. Two very clear and definable people.. very clear faces. For a while i believed this pair, a guy my age and a girl a little older, were real. That idea was shattered when, at SSI, the girl changed a little to look a bit more like someone i acutally do know. That is what makes this unusual. I dotn know these two. And in my waking hours their faces and sweet voiced echo in my head. The Girls name i know, Alyssa. The Boy isnt as clear to me in voice or name, but he is there.

ALYSSA


It id very unnerving to me that these are the only faces i want to see anymore, those faces of fiction my mind has created, yet which are so clear to me. I have been having a problem with people lately, moreso than ever before. I just cant Stand human contact for a reason that is yet to be understood fully by me. The past few weeks have made that easier, as My workload has changed, at home and at SSI. I have a few new task assignments at the ofice now: Capturing all the video from the Summer program, comiling htem into single files and preparing them on DVD's to sell, Listening through audio recordings of teaching sessions and preparing them to sell, and organizing and heading up the 0809 Ambassador League. The amount of time that goes itno making a single DVD and editing the audio for CD's makes brining my work home easy, and at the office its easy enought o hide in my corner and work all day without more than occasional updates to Jeff and James.

I know there are people around me who understand what i feel and think. They feel it themselves. the problem lies in that exact pnt. anyone who can really understand me is going through somehting just as bad and therefore has no solution. This bitter, hollow feeling is a learned trait, i understand, but it doesnt seem like somehting I can unlearn. For years now my life has been spinning, never setling, throwing me changes and wild cards, offering me choices, in which i always choose wrong. I have epxlained many facets of my agner desparation, fear and epression, from reasoning to rule, in privious entries, and it always seems hard to gather all teh scattered peices of my reason together into one post.
While there are people who understand, i still feel alone and helpless. Only in my head do i believe that God has not abandoned me. My heart is so open, waiting forsomeone.

My Heart is open to other But Closed to myself. Even as i write it all pors from my mind, and no feeling is in my words anymore, spoke or written. Its hard to know what I want to say beacuse no words will catch any emotion in me. i have to search, thinking hard to try and explain what i want to say.
There is a Song that puts it well:
"Broken Peices of the man i used ot be are all thats left of who I am; A shattered mass of all my countless broken Dreams, Wonder where i go from here?"