But here in israel I feel like Ive found my heart again.
I knew i could be loved, but I didnt know how to show it anymore. I lost that ability with Laura. And for a year I've struggled, hating being alone, but being a hateful person because it was all i could understand. I didnt want to attach to people because i didnt want the hurt, but at the same time i desperately wanted someone to reachout to me anyways. G-d saw my need and answered that in some amazing people who have been loyal the past year.
Even so, I alienated my college class, showed them a person i hated, and followed the same pattern with my origins team. I expected to leave Rehovot emotionless, as i did school; not missing anyone, not really being hurt or upset, because i didnt care about them. I didnt know how to care. But something else happened.
Here in Rehovot I found a congregation. Not a church. A family. Its hard to explain., but to a person who hasnt had any emotional investment for more than a year, it was new. And it was only today, as i hugged and shook hands with people i just met that i realized that i loved them. I cared about them. I want to serve them.
I hated myself for being a distant little jerk the past two weeks. I was that same hateful person ive been for a year now, even to these new people who where showing me love. But inspite of my hatefulness.. they loved me anyways.
I'm reaching a bit. Im magnifying small emotions into larger ones, but the fact is i have them. Its so wonderful to be sad.. to say goodbye this way, hopeful that i can come back here.
My G-d is love. He is the author of love. At this moment i only wish i could show Him and others the same love i have received.
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