A 21 Year Old's Prayer

G-d,

I'm a bit empty and alone right now. I have found you to the extent I have searched for you. You are faithful to me even in my lack of devotion to you. I will trust in your providence, relying on you to take care of my still fragile heart. 

I have before given such great and glorifying prayers to you, but now am ashamed to see how little honor my ways bring to you. Yet the glory is still yours because you saved the wretch in me. No great treasure did you earn in saving me, but the worst and filthiest of rags. And even knowing the disappointment I'd be, you died for me. 

I do not seek you in your word, nor do I come to you in prayer. It seems to me that my life is in shambles and my heart still broken into many pieces. Oh how poor a son I am. How I wish I could be a son that you could rejoice in. Yet my betrayals stand out all the more.

I want to know you, but my strength to seek you has passed. I wish I could say "Tomorrow will be better," but I know that I will fail another promise if I vow to be better in the morning. I am overcome with my weakness and sorrow. I want to be whole, complete, and I know that only comes from you.

I ask for alot, and you already show mercy to me by sustaining my life, a gift I forfeited long ago in my sin. Yet still I press your grace to ask for yet more. This hole in me is more than I can fill. I do not have the strength to seek you, yet that is the only way to fill my emptiness. My heart yearns to be held again. I miss the company of friends, people who care about me who i could pour myself into. Yet I know that those friends have been a idol to me in the past, a drug.

My Adonai, grant me a fill for this loneliness in my heart. Bring me into the company of people who will point me back to you, while allowing me to rest and belong with them. Fill my heart again.

I pray to find you, so I can be filled with you and thus give you glory. I can think of no better thing.

These words I lift before you, broken, yet trusting in your faithfulness, Oh, G-d, my father.

For you, Great King, are faithful.

Been reading som "Christian" Blogs

It breaks my heart what I'm seeing. So many people who claim to be christians are proclaiming their message of "love". They misunderstand the gospel entirely and the problem is that they are close enough to the truth that they become completely blind to it.

"The Lord of all the earth and heavens is my Abba Father. The crafter of stars and the universe is my creater. The author of the bible is my finisher for He is the beginning and the end.

And I am His object of love. Created for the sole purpose to be loved by Him. "

No! We are not object of his love, we are objects of His WRATH. Enemies of G-d (James 4:4) There is nothing so spanky or good about us, nothing in us that makes us worht saving. G-ds love comes in spite of the fact that we are piles of putrescence waiting to be burnt. Thats as close to being literal as I can be without being crude.
We are created for the sole purpose of GLORIFYING HIM, even if that means that some, by G-ds providence end up in HELL. Wrath and hell are the most loving things G-d can do, and anyone who believes that G-d love us unfiltered by justice and that getting saved will make everything in life better has NEVER READ THE NEW TESTAMENT.
So many people in this world, especially in the church think that all G-d is doing in this world is that Hes loving everybody, thats G-ds thing G-ds just with us and wants to love us if only we will let him and just accept his love and ask Jesus into our hearts... NOT!  G-d loves us, obviously, but its not some pampering love, but a perfecting love. Its a love that expects our highest and greatest usefulness for his purposes.
It breaks my heart because they are convinced that they know the truth, and they preach this. They go out into the street and spread the words that they believe. The save people by getting them to "pray the sinners prayer" (mentioned no where in scripture), Ask Jesus into their heart (mentioned nowhere in scripture); that they have a G-d shaped hole in their heart (mentioned nowhere in scripture), and that G-d is just waiting to pour out physical blessings upon them (spiritual blessings, yes, but otherise the OPPOSITE is mentioned in scripture).
People in churches are going to hell. Yeshua (Jesus) predicted this: Wheat and Weeds, Mattityahu (Matthew) 13:14-30, wise and foolish birdesmaids, Mattityahu (Matthew), 25:1-13. Even so, i find this tragic. Yes, it is sad to see the muslim and the athiest rail against G-d and got to hell, but more so to me to see someone who truly loves G-d because they either don't understand or they preferr their non judgemental idol who caters to their feelings.
Oh to the Gospel, how you are missed in the church.
Mattityahu 7:21-23 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of heaven, only those who do what my Father in heaven wants. On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord! Didn't wee prophesy in your name? Didn't we expel deamons in your name? Didn't we perform many miracles in your name?' THen i will tell them to their faces, 'I never knew you! Get away from me you workers of lawlessness!'

(Follow up to last years article "I Praise G-d because I drove a Saturn")
I'm tired of being depressed about things.
The pretext to my previous article that many people probbably missed was Laura. All of those things things that had seemed perfect for me them; the saturn, hillsdale, etc. were not in the end what G-d really wanted for me. He gave me better things after he took the things I had grown attached to away.
I've had a hard time reclaiming the memories i had with Laura. I love her because of those memories we shared. I love her because I love the memories. I wondered how I could reclaim those good memories that were tainted with Pain. But G-d is smarter than that in the way he designed me.
I, along time ago, wrote an article on how people see the world. Most specifically about how I see the world. I don't really enjoy anything much on my own. I enjoy things (Dancing, Ren Fair, Shopping, Ice Sakting) because i am with people. Im not a people person in the strictest sense, but I get the most joy out of things when i can feel and absorb the joy that others get from it. I see the beauty of the world through other peoples eyes. This is why I loved Laura: She was happy, and full of joy at the world. I could see incredible beauty through her.
This is why I have been so confused about things. My emotions were quite a contradiction to me. I know I don't love Laura anymore. I don't expect there to be reconciliation of that relationship. I hope I never have to see her again. At the same time though, remembering her can be so debilitating. For a long time i struggled with the paradox of how i could be over it and yet be so affected by memories. But, again, it was the joy I had in those memories that I loved. It makes perfect sense that I can not love the person but love the joy of those memories, the joy that came from that person. That joy is something I can and have found again.
I want to be with people who have real joy that I can share. This is why Verity fundamentally annoyed me and i became gruff and short with people: most of the ones i interacted with were not really joyful down deep. They may have been happy, but for the most part there wasn't Joy that I could expirience with them. There were a few exceptions, namely Aly. Donny was another person, back home who I could simply enjoy life with because he enjoys life.
It worried me a bit that I may not be able to find someone with whom I can share joy to that degree again. Laura and I shared that joy freely after a long friendship and built up trust. I love to get to know someone on that level again, but even so the question of "Will it ever be the same?" is somewhere in my head. But here I come back to the comparison of my cars.
I drove a 2002 Saturn L300 that my parents bought for me just before college. It was a nice car. Stable, reliable, powerful, good looking, everything I could want. It was sure, and wouldn't change. It was guaranteed to be everything i wanted it to be. I never expected it to be taken away, and part of m still misses it. Now I Drive a 1995 Firebird that I bought for myself. It's not as stable, it needs some work. Sometimes I worry that it may not start. It needs cosmetic work. It isn't as sure.
To me, Laura was sure. Being with her was the path I liked, I expected, it made sense and worked for me. It was a given, and obvious to anyone who knew us at the time. She would have most definitely given me the vicarious joy that I love. But as much as it had seemed like the right path, in the end, it wasn't. Now the path that I'm on isn't as sure. It doesn't promise to be as fulfilling as the saturn was sure to be. There are problems with it, and there could be more. The long and short of it is that I don't know if it will work out.
I'm afraid there is not grand conclusion. I'm on an unsure path, with no promise of the deepness and joy I had before. But its the path I'm on. I'm not afraid of what G-d will bring me now. I have faith that everything I need and want will be met. I'm done being depressed and overwhelmed by things of the past, at least in this area. I'm going to drive forward on my unclear bumpy road in my awesome, unstable car. I deserve the opposite, but by grace G-d has given me both.
I pray that this will be the last depressing, self indulgent post on this topic. I hope that I can again start to write about the greatness of my Savior and the beauty of His gospel.

Laura's Recurring Nightmare.

I've always been able to express my thoughts pretty well in writing. Not accounting for typing skills, which produce a fair ammount of typos in many of my articles, I've been given the gift of communication this way. I'm realizing as time goes on that a person can only communicate their realized ideas. I can communicate my thoughts, and writing is a medium I have used to translate emotions into thoughts.
Emotions, to me, are simply thoughts that don't come with words or concepts. Thus learning how to express emotions is a useful skill. Writing has been that skill for me, to a certain extent. When something bothers be or excites me, I write it down and those emotions translate into logical thoughts. The problem is that not all emotions are available to the conscious mind.
I'm not sure how this compares with the experience of others, but I have recurring dreams. Regularly. Since I was seventeen I have been aware of the connection between my dreams and emotions I am unable to express. When I'm under a deeper emotional stress, I dream about it, I believe, because my conscious mind is either unaware of the effects of that stress, or is unable to express it. When i say deeper emotional stress, I don't mean daily life stress. From my understanding, the type of stress that influences my dreams is often a singular event that impacts my life.
For example, the reason and inspiration for this article, as noted by the title. My desire to write about this (again) is because its been about a year since i stopped having "Laura's Recurring Nightmare" as I call it. Many of my dreams are recurrent, especially the ones that have a big impact on me. Usually if a dream represents something important enough to be recurrent, its a nightmare.
In June of last year I got an email saying that Laura, the young woman i had been intending on marrying, wanted to end any friendship that we had. Without going into more detail on this well worn story, I never really was told why or given any reason for this. One week things were fine, more than fine you could say, the next week my heart had been ripped away. The same night as that email, a series of dreams began which I later took to calling "Laura's Recurring Nightmare". Not much for creativity on that one, I know.
The dream itself was actually rather simple. I woke up more times than i can count screaming and crying "WHY??!" Not nessesarily verbally screaming, but in my mind. That was the dream. No images, nothing going on, just me screaming in "WHY?!" in my dream (once or twice outloud, in my sleep I was later informed). THe emotional pain that went with those screams I can still remember. I remember the devastation in my heart.
I mention that, not because I still have those dreams or feel that pain; like I said its been nearly a year since that dream has stopped recurring. What makes that dream interesting to me is that outside of the recurring dream and pain therein, there was no other manifestation of this emotion in my life. Less that a month after I got that email, I was back at school, living my life normally. During my waking hours, I was fine. I was shocked at how quickly I had recovered from the heartbreak, but my dreams told a different story. The only time I had any noticeable reaction to the loss was in my sleep, where my emotions, the ones I couldn't express and didn't even know were there during the day, came out violently. It was the only emotion i really had, and I couldn't feel it any other way. Overtime I stopped feeling altogether, and became a hateful jerk to my classmates, which eventually led me to leave school because I couldn't handle it.
Once again, the dreams I have that stay with me are representations of things I can't express any other way. Perhaps now I can verbally explain the depth of "Laura's Recurrent", but at the time it was lost on me. Now I am in the midst of another series of recurrent dreams. These are not nightmares.
Recently the dream has been of Laura again. My waking mind hardly ever thinks about her, or what happened last year. I know that I would probbably ignore her and many of the friends that are associated with her if we were to meet again. Things will never go back. I don't want Laura ever again, but I want reclamation of the memories we had. But once again, my dreams tell a different story that my waking emotions.
In the new dream, I see her in a place that is familiar. INCH, Verity, Ren Fair, Horrocks, and other such places of "importance". Its just a moment, but i see her, just her face, and I say "I'm sorry." I'm not sure if I really am sorry, or just want there to be some kind of reconciliation in the dream, but thats what happens. What do I make of it? I'm not sure. My logical, waking mind can't process it in any coherent way. But its what the dream is. Maybe in a few months I'll understand.
Links to previous posts about my dreams and nightmares (Cir. 2008):
The Meaning of Dreams
Oneirophobia
*Note, these are very childish and badly written posts, but they are examples of past recurrent dreams.

Things I collect or want to collect.

A great guide for gift buying and just general information about me. In no kind of order:

1. Guns:  The saying for me is "One Gun a year till Im 30. (since I have been old enough to own them)" So far I have kept to this: My Glock for my 18th Year, My Sig for my 19th year... Its this 20th thats becoming a problem. With Israel Trips, College, travel, and other expenses, finding a Firearm i can afford and want this year has been tough. Whats made it harder is that, even though I've found one, a Navy black powder .44, I havent been able to locate one. I have two more months. 



2. Hats: 
   This collection is Limited to a few spesific kinds of hats that i like. Fedoras, Drover Hats, Bandanas, and skull caps that aren't decorated. I love my hats, the few that I have, and I hope to continue to make good use out of them for many years.




3. Knives: 
   Another fairly obvious one for anyone who knows me at all. I don't collect indiscriminately here; not all knives are equal. If you know know enough about knives to know what I'd like, dont get one for me.




4. Notebooks
   This is a collection with a singular Purpose. All of my notebooks are either used or going to be used one day in the form of letters. Letters to my Wife, children, and myself. I collect them almost indescriminately, As long as they look nice and have some quality.




5. Funny Pictures
   Pretty Self Explanatory




6. Tshirts/ Scrubs/ Vests
   My clothing selection is nerdy and eccentric. I have so many different styles, from the hats, colors, scrubs, toe shoes, vests




7. Israel stuff
   This is possibly the most expensive of my collections, as it Requires a trip to Israel every time. I have potteryshards, lamps, rocks, jewelry, certificates, bullets. These mean alot to me as Israel is very much on my heart.




8. Camera Equipment
   I have had alot of cameras. There is never really an end to the amount of equipment one can get for a camera. I love getting video and Pictures of my world, to aide my memory. Lenses, pods, flashes, video stuff, and even software are all a part of this process.




9. Swords
   I'm listing this as a separate entity from knives, cause these are a class in and of themselves. I have bought and sold swords since i was 16, making this one of my older collections.




10. Jewelry
    This is pretty limited to Necklaces, rings and masculine bracelets, obviously. Its a limited collection, but I rotate thru the things I have. I'm guessing when i get my Navy Tags, that will replace any necklaces i wear.


11. Hororable Mentions: Costumes, Fake Credit Cards, Stuffed Animals, Thomas the Tank Engine.

I don't know how long I have left...

Before I ship out with the Navy. Things are low going, But I'm ok with that. It gives me some time to do things I want to do while i'm still young. It's odd that I consider this part of my sanctification.
To recap; sanctification, according to the bible, is the process where, over time, a person who has been redeemed learns what holiness and righteousness are as they are made more and more aware of their sin by the work of the Ruach Ha'Kodesh (Holy Spirit).
I see some of my sins, things I do that I have always known are wrong, and things that I have recently become convicted about. I still fall into sin sometimes, and hate myself after. Repentance for habitual sins of selfishness and the like is not easy. Every morning I see how things could go. I remind myself that Yeshua died for me knowing that i would fall into those sins, and that thought makes me want to do better.
One of the things I have become convicted about is my time managment and discipline. I know i waste time, not only being idle, but doing things that are harmful, and entertaining myself with stuff that isn't right. Tv shows are a big falling point for me. I hate them, but i spend hours a day watching them, knowing they blaspheme the name of the one who gave me life. I sleep in way too late, because I keep myself awake way to late. I only have this moment this one time, and I hate wasting them.
I could spend that time reading and praying, which I desperately want to do. I could spend that time working out, and maintaining this body I've been given (another conviction of mine is my diet and health, which are very far below where I feel they should be before G-d). I could spend that time doing the things I want to do.
I wish I could spend all day reading, studying, dancing, working out and training. But i dont have the discipline. I get lazy and bored. I want to study the scriptures, to know my G-d. I want to Learn hebrew. I want to lear to dance. I want to study Martial Arts again. I want to jorunal, writing letters to my future wife and children. With a passion I desire these things. Right now the thing in my way is my own sloth.
Oh, Adonai! There is none like you. So many wonderful things you have created and put before me. ME! I'm the lowest of your creatures, the most pathetic person i can think of, and yet you have given me such great opportunities and gifts. No gift Greater than your Son, Yeshua, through whom you see me, not as pathetic, but as everything I wish I was.
My sins and flaws are so high, like walls around me, holding me in, keeping me from being what I wish I could be for you. I hate these sins that once separated me from you. I want to show how great you are, but all I know is evil. But you don't see me through that sin and evil any longer. Free me from the walls of my sin, Father. Lift me out of them, and life me up so I can glorify you.
G-d, you have provided so much for me. You have given me my passion back. My dreams that have been gone from me so long now come flooding back, and they are all desires for you! I want to move again. You have given me a job, and parents who are nothing short of amazing. Car, Camera, Computer... All things I have that i shouldn't. Thank you, G-d.
For all the things you have given me the desire to do, just help me move towards them. My heart is full of desire for man things. So many things I want and need, and I trust you to be smart enough to know which is which, and to give me what you know I need.
Let my life be to your glory. Let my body and works be a tool for your kingdom, shining Your light of glory. May my actions be such that I am unseen, but you are made obvious to all who bear witness.

Job Interviews (My resume makes me sound adventurous, aparently))

Interviewer: So it says on your resume that you worked in your State Representatives office?

Me: Yes...

Interviewer: Ok. Your first job was in a gourmet restaurant?

Me: Yes...

Interviewer: It says here that you just graduated from college... in a year and a half, wow!

Me: Yeah...

Interviewer: What have you been doing since then?

Me: Well, I spent a month in Israel, volunteering in a Hospital and traveling the country.

Interviewer: Wow!

Long Pause

Interviewer: You do know this is an entry-level, minimum wage position, right? Not really adventurous or exciting.

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: You seem a little.. Overqualified.

Me: *Headbash*