Monday, January 31, 2011
I expect to be changed this year, as i was in the year past. Only this time I'm asking for the change; wanting it, waiting for it, anticipating it. I want to know Elohi. To be remade by him. I hate me, but not in a negative way. I have understood that everything i thought was me is forfeit, and needs to be taken away before i can be refilled by the good things i wish were me. No wonder I used to be so miserable.
This year i expect to find joy in all kinds of new ways. I also expect to feel pain that i havent yet felt. Neither of these changes who I am going to be in El Roi (the God who sees me). I can't let my life be defined by pleasure seeking; a striving to relive or remember past joys like a high person trying to find his next fix. Nor can i life based on the hardships i go thru. Life sucks, but El Hanne'eman (The faithful God) doesnt change; he is with me in my highs and my lows. He is my steady place.
This year i expect many momentous events. At least two i know of: My Class mission trip to Isra'el, and Graduation. These are two experiences that mark a commencement of sorts for me. I want to begin life after college so badly. El Chaiyai (God of my life) had blessed me with college. I started late and am still finishing before most of my peers. In fact i will be finishing early even for verity standards. It worked out perfectly for me to join my class late.
What do i expect this year? I honestly dont know. I didnt know what to expect from 2010, and, even with all of its hurts, I am glad things turned out the way they did. I love my Adonai. Thats the best place i can be. I can only ask for more of the same.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
January 29- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Frankly, what has changed in my life is hard to quantify. THis year has been without a doubt the most drastic of the years of my life as far as new things and unexpected things. I am closer now to who I want to be, but i still have a long way to go.
I look at people and myslef and the world differently I want different things. I expect different things. I am harder, but more beautiful, and i see the world as harder yet more Beautiful. I love different people for different reasons. I dont want the simple things that i wanted before, yet i want different simple things. I eat, dress, and work differently. These are my changes. These are my Diamond Eyes.
January 28- This year, in great detail
This time last year I was in love. Deeply. I absolutely believed, beyond any doubt I could conceive, that i would marry Rieola. I changed my major in college to be with her sooner. I planned my life around giving her a life.
I started at Verity. I suppose that has been the defining point of my year. At least everything that happened to me was redefined by the context of Verity. Good and bad, all were different because i was here. I was different. New people and a new place. It took me almost the whole year to realize this was my home. These were my new friends.
God was anew to me, I learnt so many lessons. Colossians 3:17 became my life verse for a time. It was what i wanted. The new people in my life liked me, and i was starting to like myself to a degree. David and Daniel were uplifting me and encouraging me. It was amazing. Love of Adonai Tseva'ot, friends, and A'Rieola.
The changes back home came so gradually i didnt notice. I distanced from friends slowly, watching them move on until, by the time summer came and i went home fro Veity, i felt like i had already lost them. As the moment came where i thought i could be with the one i loved, everything went the opposite of what i had planned. Everything changed. Everything.
The distant friendships i had been clinging onto collapsed, some by my doing, some by proxy, as i lost everything that had been my life to two years. I lost what i loved most. I still don't understand why. I spent the weeks of SSI with firends that i couldnt be freinds with. I was alone and crying inside while surrounded with people in a place that once had defined me.
I was in a new place. I was a new person. Six months had radically changed me. How could i expect SSi to be the same to me when i was not the same. I cant quantify how i was different, but i was. I wanted new and different things, though that was compounded by the loss of Rieola. Everything hurt. Memories were Everywhere. Home hurt.
I ran away as soon as I could, and found peace with my Adonai. Verity was safe for me. I forgot about the pain much faster than i believed i could. The crying only lasted a short time. I had a great summer with the others at schoo. I made firends and connected in a new way with others.
In the fall things got harder. its hard to say why exactly. I was a Senior. I became hard. Cruel, Distant. I Lost my love for Elohi and others around me. It was clear. Yet, at the same time i had a friend, a sister to fill some of the holes of abandonment i felt. At the same time she was totally new and fresh to me.
Even as i began to struggle with my hurts again, i felt new feelings for a new person arise. This i couldnt allow. I had loved before, and it had hurt. Moreso, I had loved and been wrong. I desire to connect and stay that way. Forever. Come hell and high water, i want to be with someone, to live for their betterment no matter what till i die. To make another connection like that on trivial feelings of attraction and crushes. My new sister, my best friend helped me thru that, as did the council of some of the Verity Leaders.
The fall led into winter faster than i could have imagined. I turned twenty. I found hte new challenge of Work-Study, which i enjoy beyond belief. School was going great. God began to prepare me for a trip to Isra'el ( a dream come true for me). Yet i was angry, sad, and alone, even in the social sphere of school
I left School in late november, dreading being home, dreading being back among the feelings and memories that i knew would torture me. Rieola wasnt there. All the love i had lost for her came flooding back. Yet i was new. I was different. And though i might have cried and struggled and fought, I survived.
I made it back to school, one year after starting. School was different. The firends i had were different. I was different.
I can't compare the person i was a year ago to the person i am now. I would like to, but its a hard thing to do. I know i am different, but it (in most cases) was a gradual change. I cant imagine being where i was then now. My goals are changed, and i like them. They suit me, rahter than Her and Me. I miss Rieola, but i cant really imagine being in love with her still. I have accepted that it ended, even as harshly as it did.
This year was defined by a total transformation. Both good and bad things happened, but i wouldn't change them. I can only pray that Adonai Roph'ekha will change me as much in the year to come as in the year past.
I started at Verity. I suppose that has been the defining point of my year. At least everything that happened to me was redefined by the context of Verity. Good and bad, all were different because i was here. I was different. New people and a new place. It took me almost the whole year to realize this was my home. These were my new friends.
God was anew to me, I learnt so many lessons. Colossians 3:17 became my life verse for a time. It was what i wanted. The new people in my life liked me, and i was starting to like myself to a degree. David and Daniel were uplifting me and encouraging me. It was amazing. Love of Adonai Tseva'ot, friends, and A'Rieola.
The changes back home came so gradually i didnt notice. I distanced from friends slowly, watching them move on until, by the time summer came and i went home fro Veity, i felt like i had already lost them. As the moment came where i thought i could be with the one i loved, everything went the opposite of what i had planned. Everything changed. Everything.
The distant friendships i had been clinging onto collapsed, some by my doing, some by proxy, as i lost everything that had been my life to two years. I lost what i loved most. I still don't understand why. I spent the weeks of SSI with firends that i couldnt be freinds with. I was alone and crying inside while surrounded with people in a place that once had defined me.
I was in a new place. I was a new person. Six months had radically changed me. How could i expect SSi to be the same to me when i was not the same. I cant quantify how i was different, but i was. I wanted new and different things, though that was compounded by the loss of Rieola. Everything hurt. Memories were Everywhere. Home hurt.
I ran away as soon as I could, and found peace with my Adonai. Verity was safe for me. I forgot about the pain much faster than i believed i could. The crying only lasted a short time. I had a great summer with the others at schoo. I made firends and connected in a new way with others.
In the fall things got harder. its hard to say why exactly. I was a Senior. I became hard. Cruel, Distant. I Lost my love for Elohi and others around me. It was clear. Yet, at the same time i had a friend, a sister to fill some of the holes of abandonment i felt. At the same time she was totally new and fresh to me.
Even as i began to struggle with my hurts again, i felt new feelings for a new person arise. This i couldnt allow. I had loved before, and it had hurt. Moreso, I had loved and been wrong. I desire to connect and stay that way. Forever. Come hell and high water, i want to be with someone, to live for their betterment no matter what till i die. To make another connection like that on trivial feelings of attraction and crushes. My new sister, my best friend helped me thru that, as did the council of some of the Verity Leaders.
The fall led into winter faster than i could have imagined. I turned twenty. I found hte new challenge of Work-Study, which i enjoy beyond belief. School was going great. God began to prepare me for a trip to Isra'el ( a dream come true for me). Yet i was angry, sad, and alone, even in the social sphere of school
I left School in late november, dreading being home, dreading being back among the feelings and memories that i knew would torture me. Rieola wasnt there. All the love i had lost for her came flooding back. Yet i was new. I was different. And though i might have cried and struggled and fought, I survived.
I made it back to school, one year after starting. School was different. The firends i had were different. I was different.
I can't compare the person i was a year ago to the person i am now. I would like to, but its a hard thing to do. I know i am different, but it (in most cases) was a gradual change. I cant imagine being where i was then now. My goals are changed, and i like them. They suit me, rahter than Her and Me. I miss Rieola, but i cant really imagine being in love with her still. I have accepted that it ended, even as harshly as it did.
This year was defined by a total transformation. Both good and bad things happened, but i wouldn't change them. I can only pray that Adonai Roph'ekha will change me as much in the year to come as in the year past.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
January 27- This month, in great detail
Well this month was the start of this year. It has been an amazing growing experience. I came back to school in much the same condition as i left it. Not really the best. I was still offensive and annoying to people because i believed thats just who i was. I have tired to change that about myself for years, but it has never worked.
So much has happened this month, and its hard to remember it all, especially for me. My memory sucks. Fortunately i keep a journal of Letters to my future wife.
The first week was re adjusting for a lot fo people, i had a faster time of it cause i was here a few days early. people didn't really change much over break, but the school itself was different somehow. It seems like no time at all had really passed soon.
I was gettingot know the guy RA's a little better, and saw some new places to put my focus in. Workstudy is much harder, and there as a lot to figure out in Joshs absence. I've done pretty well at establishing my own system, which i think will work fine.
John challenged be on who i thought i was. That was a big turning point for me, and since then many people have commented on how i have changed. I'm not really siure how i feel about that.
Mission trip stuff is moving. Slowly,. but it is moving. Im still working on faith in Elohai who can do the impossible. We have much ground to cover but the business ventures we are going on have many of us excited. We will make it.
It took some time but im beginnignt o balance out what is now an incredibly busy scedule. Classes, Coursework, Hebrew, Mission Trip Prep, Workstudy. I have Twospeeches, two reseach papers, my daily letters, this daily blog, daily Old South asignments, and a brain training program im going thru. I have missed two weeks of the Jewish dancing class i promised to attend, but no more. I also have not been working out in the Am cause i am constantly exhausted.
It has been a cool month, and I am acutally glad to see how this year will turn out. It will be great, i have faith.
So much has happened this month, and its hard to remember it all, especially for me. My memory sucks. Fortunately i keep a journal of Letters to my future wife.
The first week was re adjusting for a lot fo people, i had a faster time of it cause i was here a few days early. people didn't really change much over break, but the school itself was different somehow. It seems like no time at all had really passed soon.
I was gettingot know the guy RA's a little better, and saw some new places to put my focus in. Workstudy is much harder, and there as a lot to figure out in Joshs absence. I've done pretty well at establishing my own system, which i think will work fine.
John challenged be on who i thought i was. That was a big turning point for me, and since then many people have commented on how i have changed. I'm not really siure how i feel about that.
Mission trip stuff is moving. Slowly,. but it is moving. Im still working on faith in Elohai who can do the impossible. We have much ground to cover but the business ventures we are going on have many of us excited. We will make it.
It took some time but im beginnignt o balance out what is now an incredibly busy scedule. Classes, Coursework, Hebrew, Mission Trip Prep, Workstudy. I have Twospeeches, two reseach papers, my daily letters, this daily blog, daily Old South asignments, and a brain training program im going thru. I have missed two weeks of the Jewish dancing class i promised to attend, but no more. I also have not been working out in the Am cause i am constantly exhausted.
It has been a cool month, and I am acutally glad to see how this year will turn out. It will be great, i have faith.
January 26- Your week, in great detail
Sunday: Woke up for church, and went to College park sunday school for the first time. Got back around one and worked on speeches most of the rest of the day.
Monday: Chapel was easy to run this week, which is nice, but i started organizing the equipment in the back of the chapel. It will be good to have that clean. Encouragment groups went ok, but some members of my group were too detached.
I didnt get any studying done in the morning, but we had class, so i did learn a little about am lit. In the afternoon i got lesson 3 of old south done, which is very nice, cause ive been working on it for a few days.
Dinner bothered me for some reason so i skipped class prayer that night and stayed in my room. I eventually did go to class prauyer, only to pray with Chuck. That was encouraging.
Tuesday: Little trouble with the new mics i found for the chapel, but i think i can get it to work. I'm becoming better and better at running this station by the day. Dr. Castelino spoke, and I wrote my letters.
Finally got to studying, then went to a meeting about my work-study with charity and Alyssa.It is good to have a few things cleared up. my job is more defined now. I got a little work done tuesday afternoon, including another lesson in Old south. I had to pause halfway thru the lesson for symposium.
I got the whole lesson done and some hebrew in time fore the SOTU address.
Wednesday: Was up late talking so slept in and took a nap during chapel. First morning of uninterrupted study all week. I needed that.
Spent most of hte afternoon on lesson 5 of Oldsouth, got it done just in tiem for dinner. I took some naps during my lesson as well. I was pretty tired.
Missed Dancing becuas ei had a meeting for the mission trip,. but i got two lessons of hebrew done and got to play some slap uno with Ruthie, Peter, Jacob, David, Gem, Scott and her. Tried to go to bed at a decent time, but failed under the need to do some person life reorganizing and letter writing.
Today: Missed workout again. Split chappel. I wrote my letters in chappel. Went out business hopping at ten, and had an amazing time. Lots of success. Im excuited for the auction.
Got back halfway thru lunch, then took my practice test just in time for the class we had on the practice test. I think i just might be ready for this test.
Monday: Chapel was easy to run this week, which is nice, but i started organizing the equipment in the back of the chapel. It will be good to have that clean. Encouragment groups went ok, but some members of my group were too detached.
I didnt get any studying done in the morning, but we had class, so i did learn a little about am lit. In the afternoon i got lesson 3 of old south done, which is very nice, cause ive been working on it for a few days.
Dinner bothered me for some reason so i skipped class prayer that night and stayed in my room. I eventually did go to class prauyer, only to pray with Chuck. That was encouraging.
Tuesday: Little trouble with the new mics i found for the chapel, but i think i can get it to work. I'm becoming better and better at running this station by the day. Dr. Castelino spoke, and I wrote my letters.
Finally got to studying, then went to a meeting about my work-study with charity and Alyssa.It is good to have a few things cleared up. my job is more defined now. I got a little work done tuesday afternoon, including another lesson in Old south. I had to pause halfway thru the lesson for symposium.
I got the whole lesson done and some hebrew in time fore the SOTU address.
Wednesday: Was up late talking so slept in and took a nap during chapel. First morning of uninterrupted study all week. I needed that.
Spent most of hte afternoon on lesson 5 of Oldsouth, got it done just in tiem for dinner. I took some naps during my lesson as well. I was pretty tired.
Missed Dancing becuas ei had a meeting for the mission trip,. but i got two lessons of hebrew done and got to play some slap uno with Ruthie, Peter, Jacob, David, Gem, Scott and her. Tried to go to bed at a decent time, but failed under the need to do some person life reorganizing and letter writing.
Today: Missed workout again. Split chappel. I wrote my letters in chappel. Went out business hopping at ten, and had an amazing time. Lots of success. Im excuited for the auction.
Got back halfway thru lunch, then took my practice test just in time for the class we had on the practice test. I think i just might be ready for this test.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
January 25- Your day, in great detail
I woke up this morning to either my cell phone alarm or my ipod alarm, I can't remember which. It was still a few minutes before 5:30, so i laid in bed till David's alarm went off. We both rolled out of bed and headed immediately to the Guys Lounge for P90X, Chest, Shoulders, and Triceps. Micah joined us shortly thereafter, during the warm up. I used the bands through most of the workout. Micah had a hard time with it at first, but over time I'm sure he will get stronger. Steven joined us shortly after we started.
C,S,&T is a hard workout, so by the time we were done my arms were sore. We finished stgron with Ab Ripper at 6:49, and I made a b-line for the shower. I Made it to breakfast later than i used to, but i plan to make a habit of not getting to meals the moment they open, so it was fine. I sat With Josh Ingersoll, Joel Anders, Swann, Charlie Johnson, Squirrel, and Johanna Stone. I listened half hartedly as they discussed politics, which eventually turned into "How to take over the world" or some such nonsense. Per usual my eyes ere bigger than my stomach and I got way too much food, and didnt eat it all.
My Bag over My shoulder i went up to chapel, where i spent most of the hour organizing the mess of equipment and cords at the soundboard. It is the first step of the reorganization of the AV department.
After chapel i talked with David and Jacob very briefly before heading up to the library to wait for my meeting with Charity. We talked about the work that I have ahead in recording classes, and producing dvds. I just want to make my department more efficient.
I continued studying American Literature flashcards. I'm not doing so well on that. I hope to be testing on friday for it. I have a long way to go. I really didn't do well on them today. Sat across from Ruth and Macy, occasionally helping them with US2.
Lunch came and went, and i went back to studying, focusing on Old South. I hadn't read my textbook, which was the focus of the discussion questions. To be honest i was rather distracted. I got several questions answered, but still had several more when symposium hit.
Symposium was pretty good. There was a little confusion about the new mic system I have put in. Swann gave a speech on the Braille system to start. Renee was given an Impromptu on the state of the union address. Jesse gave a speech on Football, followed by Justices impromptu on the fall of the Roman Empire. Chris ended strong with a speech on the miracles that his family has been guided through.
Dinner was enjoyable, listening to David tell stories about the army and basic training.
Once again, back to studying after dinner. I attempted to finish up my coursework, but sleep was catching me. After a few energy drinks (aka fruit juice) i was able to finish the Assignment and submit it and the corresponding quiz before heading up for the State of The Union address, where I am now.
Listening tot he interactions of Verity staff as I watch has made the whole address far more fun. We have such great minds in this school
I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
C,S,&T is a hard workout, so by the time we were done my arms were sore. We finished stgron with Ab Ripper at 6:49, and I made a b-line for the shower. I Made it to breakfast later than i used to, but i plan to make a habit of not getting to meals the moment they open, so it was fine. I sat With Josh Ingersoll, Joel Anders, Swann, Charlie Johnson, Squirrel, and Johanna Stone. I listened half hartedly as they discussed politics, which eventually turned into "How to take over the world" or some such nonsense. Per usual my eyes ere bigger than my stomach and I got way too much food, and didnt eat it all.
My Bag over My shoulder i went up to chapel, where i spent most of the hour organizing the mess of equipment and cords at the soundboard. It is the first step of the reorganization of the AV department.
After chapel i talked with David and Jacob very briefly before heading up to the library to wait for my meeting with Charity. We talked about the work that I have ahead in recording classes, and producing dvds. I just want to make my department more efficient.
I continued studying American Literature flashcards. I'm not doing so well on that. I hope to be testing on friday for it. I have a long way to go. I really didn't do well on them today. Sat across from Ruth and Macy, occasionally helping them with US2.
Lunch came and went, and i went back to studying, focusing on Old South. I hadn't read my textbook, which was the focus of the discussion questions. To be honest i was rather distracted. I got several questions answered, but still had several more when symposium hit.
Symposium was pretty good. There was a little confusion about the new mic system I have put in. Swann gave a speech on the Braille system to start. Renee was given an Impromptu on the state of the union address. Jesse gave a speech on Football, followed by Justices impromptu on the fall of the Roman Empire. Chris ended strong with a speech on the miracles that his family has been guided through.
Dinner was enjoyable, listening to David tell stories about the army and basic training.
Once again, back to studying after dinner. I attempted to finish up my coursework, but sleep was catching me. After a few energy drinks (aka fruit juice) i was able to finish the Assignment and submit it and the corresponding quiz before heading up for the State of The Union address, where I am now.
Listening tot he interactions of Verity staff as I watch has made the whole address far more fun. We have such great minds in this school
I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
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