Am I Understood?

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go


You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful

I Praise God For...

I write letters in a notebook every day. I have since the beginning of 2010. These letters were originally addressed to the young woman I believed I was meant to marry, but recently they have changed from letters to my unknown future wife to letters to God.

As in the rest of life, I find it hard sometimes to express my thoughts when I’m praying verbally, and the opportunity to write my daily life out as a prayer has come more naturally to me than I expected. I call them my “daily letters”.

This is an excerpt from those “daily letters” written on August 31, on the bus ride to Journey to the Heart.

_______________________



On the way there we are supposed to think of ten things we are each thankful for. I don’t think this should be too hard for me.



One. I am thankful for forgiveness and healing. Both forgiveness I’ve been given by my parents, and by you, as well as the releasing healing of forgiving others. I know I still struggle with resentment and grudges, but with you I press on, because you have forgiven me.



Two. I am thankful for heritage. This involves many facets. Primarily among them is my family, namely my parents. The family I was created to be a part of is not perfect, far from it, but my parents have been long suffering, taking your path with faith and grace. I am proud of the parents I’ve been given, as well as the family line they pass to me. From physical traits inherited, to personality traits taught, I love who I am in my family.



Three. I am thankful for nationality. Like with my family it is not a choice of mine where and when I was born. I am and American. My love for this aspect of my heritage is tied to my desire to draw close to you. If I desire to see my nation be great, then I must desire to draw closer to you myself. There is no greater service I can do for my country.



Four. I am thankful for destiny. You, father, have a plan or me than is unique. I have been created by you to fulfill your purpose in a way no one else can. This destiny is all encompassing. It involves my past: who I have been, how I have grown to be what I am not, and what things have happened to make me who I am. I did not make myself. It involves my future; what I'll become. I have faith that you will shape me. You are in control



Five. I am thankful for Verity. Part of becoming who I am supposed to be is here. Though I may disagree with the theology of some of the leadership, I know this is where I am meant to be. You are growing me like a vine. This is your vineyard for me.



Six. I am thankful for SSI. The organization, leadership, and teaching I received over those weeks are a large part of who I am and who I have become. Attending that camp, and working for Mr. Muffett and Mr. Visscher shaped my worldview. Though things have changed for them in some of our eyes, the program is blessed of you. May it continue to be a blessing to other young people.



Seven. I am thankful for my wife. Though I don’t know her face yet, I love her as Christ loves the church. I want to lift her up to you always. I am thankful for her grace and love for me. For her heard and mind. I am especially thankful doe her because, more than any other person in my life, she will have shown me greatest forgiveness by accepting me in spite of the many times and ways I have already been unfaithful to her. She is your give to me, and I praise you for the beauty that she is.



Eight. I am thankful for fellowship. The people you have brought into my live and taken away. They have all impacted me, in ways both known and unknown. I am thankful for David Auge, my roommate, who I appreciate and care for. He challenges me and helps me through those challenges. I could not ask for someone better as a roommate. Peter Rupp, Tyler, Josh Austhof, Jordan, Josh Ingersol; Cameron, Alex, Elisa, Kayla, Sarah and Gem. Brent back home who has been stead and faithful, holding me accountable and always being reliable. So many more friends I could name. Bless them all in your care.



Nine. I am thankful for the physical gifts I’ve been given. Nothing I own is from my own hands. From my computer, to my car. My camera, swords, I-Pods, pocket watch, knives, fountain pen, and notebook… the list goes on. These gifts I hold dear; you have blessed them. Many times they should have failed , broken, died, or been lost, yet you sustained them to me. You have been faithful to me thru them beyond what I deserve.



Ten. I am thankful for my life. All these things I have listed are not of my doing. They are memories and blessings. Gifts of favor from you, Almighty father.

I praise God because i drove a Saturn

I'll be the first to admit that I have a lot of growing to do. There are a lot of flaws in my character that I just cannot accept, but change comes slowly to me. My memory is poor, I never explain something the same way twice, and I speak from my emotions. These three flaws all factor together, and have led people to think that I am two sided, or that I lie. Perhaps in effect I do lie, but that is never my intent, nor do I even realize I do it. I forget details that others find important, and when I do remember them, I wont remember them necessarily in context or in a consistent manner. I can say one thing to one person in a good mood, and the same thing to another person in a bad mood, and because I speak from my emotions, the two people can see a very different result of what is, to me, a consistent concept. If that makes me untrustworthy, then I will admit to it. These factors are the character flaws that, when combined with selfish fear of losing people and a kind of masochistic self preservation, are the cause of failed friendships.
In spite of these immaturities, I have felt ready to move on with my life for more than four years now. Whether I truly was ready to take the next step in my life or not is questionable, but the point remains, I have wanted to be in college, and even more so out of college since before the time I turned sixteen. My high school years were spent reaching out for higher education opportunities. College is what I wanted and what I sought after. But more than that I wanted to get beyond college. The end goal was to begin my “adult life” with careers, family, house, etc. College was, and still is, merely a step towards what I really feel drawn to.
I started looking at small colleges, like Bryan, Huntington, And GLCC, until at a Home school Conference, Patrick Henry Came across my view. In my mind PHC was not a “small college” but rather a college for people who shared my specific dreams in a very real way. I applied when I was seventeen, was accepted, and began distance classes in January of 2008.
Patrick Henry appeared perfect for me: an intense academic program for the civic-minded Judeo-Christian young person. The professors were experts in fields I still love; and students are often placed into jobs and internships while in school that are specifically oriented to jumpstart the sort of career I feel called into. It fit so well.
I was almost sure that PHC was where God wanted me. I became attached to the idea of being there. When God closed that door, it hurt. It had felt so right for me to be there, and suddenly the dream I had formed and become attached to was torn away. Less than a year later, after forming a similar, stronger attachment to Hillsdale college, which suited my desires even better than PHC, a door was again closed in my face, and what I had grow to believe were Gods plans for me stung.
While both Hillsdale and PHC had suited certain desires and needs, neither was perfect for me. I had been willing to accept that. Alas, in my vision, because those paths had seemed so right at the time, I had forgotten what parts of my heart they wouldn’t have fulfilled. I had accepted that College would take a long time while dragging my in dept in the process.
With a broken spirit, shortly after turning nineteen and with the feeling of hopelessness after wasting two years on dead ends, my mother mentioned Verity in passing in the beginning of December 2009. Literally overnight, all the necessary plans fell into place, and by January 4, 2010.
While PHC and Hillsdale had provided opportunities and seemed right, they were not going to fulfill the true desires I had for college, ones that I had not taken seriously. From the pain of having two good looking doors closed in my face, God brought me to a place that fulfilled not only the need for college, but the desire to move forward faster towards my adult life; towards the next step.
My parents bought me a car to go down to Verity. A Saturn L300. It would be my first car. I had driven another car regularly, but the Buick was a hand me down from other people we knew. It had been my car, but it wasn’t brought into our family for me. There was something about the nature of the Saturn, the reason it had been purchased, that made it feel personal. I fell in love with that car very quickly. It was mine. It suited me, it drove the way I liked to drive, and it looked wonderful.
There as been a small dream in me since I was old enough to understand what cars were what. I think most guys have a dream like this. I never wanted a Ferrari or a Mercedes, or even a Mustang. Those seemed too much car for me. I wanted something that was moderately powerful, looked good, but was simpler than other sports cars, and something I could put a little work into over time. A Camero was often the image I carried in my mind.
Understand, I am not a car person. I was happy with an old Buick. I don’t really care in the end what I drive, as long as it is reliable. When I say I wanted a car, it was never something I really took seriously. It was a passing fancy and a desire I could have lived my life without.
I really loved my Saturn, for whatever reason. When it died, probably because of my own poor automotive conduct, I was really upset. Admittedly a lot had been going wrong that week, and the death of something I had become attached to hit me harder than I was ready for. Something God had given, and I had been so grateful for was removed forcibly from my life and I couldn’t do anything about it.
But God was good. I had needed something; a new vehicle. Not only did God provide me with what I needed, but He also remembered that little, insignificant, meaningless desire that I had had somewhere in the back of my heart. My Firebird is not new, but the engine inside of it is. It needs work in small areas that can be done over time. It runs beautifully, but has the power to be imposing on the road. It isn’t only what I needed, but its what I wanted.
From the ashes of pain God has brought me more than I had needed. God is my protector; why should I be afraid of pain when I know that he has something better on the other side. God is my provider; He satisfies my needs and wants in the best possible way. God is my father; He indulges my pointless wishes in ways I can’t imagine.
I am not afraid of whatever hardships come to me in the future. Every struggle in my life so far has brought me more joy on the other side, both in small ways and in big ways.
When something I love is taken away from me, it still hurts, but God is on the other side waiting with something better. The exiting part is seeing how He will bring about his blessings. Without the pain of loss, the joy of blessings cannot come. No matter what I lose, He will grant more. If more hardships and losses are to come for me, then I will accept them and grow; for my god is greater.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world!” –Jesus, John 16:33

Table (re)Classified

Rosee: Merilwen Skye



Animal: Bunny



Color: Brown
:


Superpower: Zero Point Energy





Josh: Tarburz - Edraith



Animal: Golden Retriever



Color: Blue

Super Power: Ability Empath




Amanda: Melda

Animal: Kitten


Color: Purple


Superpower: Force Fields/ Invisibility




Donny: Donathon

Animal: Hamster


Color: Green


Super Power: Perfect Memory





Zeke: Xenath


Animal: Wallaby


Color: Grey


Super Power: Emotion Channeling



Nathan: EruAntien


Animal: Wild Horse


Color: Red



Super Power: Total Body Mastery

Crisis

In times of crisis, people want somewhere to turn. It’s proven that more people come to Christ in after a disaster, or when things are hard, than when life is simple and easy. During a crisis, people want to turn to an authority to save them, to give one person the power to end the distress. Healthcare crisis, housing crisis, unemployment crisis, swine-flu crisis, economic crisis, national debt crisis. What answer has been given for these crises? Give the government more money.
There was a nation, a world power, rich in culture and society. They had accumulated a large national debt from a retaliatory war, which they had started. Their once impressive currency was dwindling fast, and an economic crisis was in full swing. Then a new leader came on the scene. He was a young leader, new to the political realm, for which he was proud; he, as many, blamed the entrenched government officials who were to set in their ways for their situations. He was a charismatic young man, and a strong, passionate speaker. He spoke of Change and Hope. He promised to provide social security to the poor. He promised to provide health care for the weak. He promised to recover the falling nation. He took over the dying car companies of his nation. He bought and bailed out banks and businesses. His name was Hitler. His nation was Germany.
When the money ran out, he started cutting government programs. He let the poor, insane sickly with no families in institutions die, so the government wouldn’t have to support them. Then he killed the lonely elderly, so he wouldn’t have to support them. Then he used prisoners and convicts as medical experiments, so he wouldn’t have to support them. Then he decided that his was the greatest evolvement of man, and began a holocaust.
There was a nation, a world power, rich in culture and society. They had accumulated a large national debt from a retaliatory war, which they had started. Their once impressive currency was dwindling fast, and an economic crisis was in full swing. Then a new leader came on the scene. He was a young leader, new to the political realm, for which he was proud; he, as many, blamed the entrenched government officials who were to set in their ways for their situations. He was a charismatic young man, and a strong, passionate speaker. He spoke of Change and Hope. He promised to provide social security to the poor. He promised to provide health care for the weak. He promised to recover the falling nation. He took over the dying car companies of his nation. He bought and bailed out banks and businesses. His name is Obama. His nation is our nation.
. . .
Some day you are going to die. Don’t be sad about that, or afraid of it, you are a Christian, and you know where you are going.
Your are in heaven, in the presence of God. When you’ve been there ten thousand years, “bright shining as the sun”, You get invited to Moses’ mansion, “for in my house there are many…” There are a bunch of other champions of scripture there. You all get to talking to Moses and ask him about what he was feeling when he and his people were trapped between the red sea and Pharaoh, and what he did in that crisis.
Moses tells the story up to that point, and he says, “In that crisis, the people wanted to turn back to Egypt. I stretched out my hand, my staff in it, and trusted God, and He provided me a way. I could have done nothing, so I sold out to Him, and he solved the crisis.”
Then you turn to David and ask him what it was like to face Goliath. He tells the story and says, “The people wanted to give up, but I took courage and took my sling. I could have done nothing, so I sold out to Him. I took my sling, hit him in the head, and took his sword, and decapitated him. He solved the crisis.”
Joshua steps forward and tells his story, how he shouted and sold out to God, and God solved the crisis. Paul comes forward, as does Deborah, and Jonah, and Job, and Daniel. They sold out to God, and He solved their crisis. Then they all turn to you.
Christ comes up, sets up a screen and plays a movie, depicting a great revival, and the turning of a nation to Him, and the crisis being solved. He says, “This is what you could have done. The people wanted to give up and turn to a government to save them. This is what you could have done if you were a little more sold out to me. I'd solve the crisis.”
But we aren't dead, you have life and breath. This is our crisis. Who are we sold out to? God? The government? China?

A Nineteen Year Olds Understanding

God is truly in control. When I start letting my heart and mind out of place, He sends me something to remind me of why I’m here and what I am called to be. I know that He is going to work in me, Since arriving here at Verity, every chapel and scripture reading has show me something more about my what God wants me to be. He will use me and work within me while I am here. I know He is talking to me, I just hope I have the heart to truly listen. I pray that I will come home as the person prepared for His path. I’m not complete yet.
There are things in this life that I want. I want to be successful and secure. I want Gordo to be pleased with me and to feel his fulfillment within me. I want a family. I want specific people in my life.
But I know that in order to follow Him, I have to give up what I think will make me happy, or at least be willing to.
I realize now that I have no right to know truth. I desire to, and I will strive to, but Gods truth does not need me, it is strong enough without my understanding or support. The truth does not need me, I need it. It is my nature to want to understand and plan and know the future for myself. But like Paul said, “Can the pot say to the potter, ‘Why did you make me this way?’” I don’t think that has to be an antagonistic question necessarily, or even a challenge to God’s design; rather for me it is a simple desire to understand why I am made this way and what I am to do.
But as I said before it is not my place to know sometimes. God doesn’t ask me to understand only to obey. “This is how things are, because it is how I say they are; so just do as I've asked of you.”
When I really stop and let go of my need to understand, I see that it is a matter of pride. When face with situations I don’t understand, I have no way of knowing what to do in my power, or how to control the situation. But if I have really let Him rule in my life, why should I need to control?
That’s why it is necessary to let go of what I want on some levels. My desires are based on my own understanding of who I am and what I want with my life, and they drive me to manipulate my life to seek after them. This being said, it makes even some of the smallest desires into an idol; something that distracts from is understanding of me, and relying instead on my own.
“Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will keep your path.”