The first step towards the beauty of a full relationship with Christ is understanding that i need help! I do. Me. No one else, and least that i can speak for. When something bothers me about someone else, its not them who needs who needs help, its me.
I cant save myself; even simple success is a blessing I don’t earn. I’m so broken, and a vase cant fix itself. So, yes, I don’t just have a visual impairment with the log in my eye, I’m blind entirely. I can’t help anyone else see Christ without Christ first un-blinding me.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Love on a Sunday
Love on a Sunday
This week, especially yesterday, has brought some things about my friendship/relationship patterns into a new perspective. This is not in reference to any specific friendship, present or past, but rather about them all. I will mention a few present and past friendships for examples and clarification. This is habit and practice for me, and I could well be wrong in my actions and conclusions. This is merely a statement of explanation for my habits, not an excuse or evasion of any rules or customs of manner. I welcome the thoughts and advice of those, my wiser counterparts.
I have always wanted a little sister. I didn’t always understand this desire, at least not till I was older. I didn’t desire a romantic relationship, just one of care, love, protection, and respect. I guess the reason I wanted a younger sister specifically was for the playfulness and joyful closeness that I felt would come with a younger that would be considered flirting with other girls, and would be awkward to have with guys. But alas, this was never something God saw fit to give. Even without the provision of a biological or legally adopted sister, however, the concept shapes how I approach girls I become close to.
Don’t get my wrong, I have an older sister, and love her and have been close to her most of my life, but she has never been really mine to take care of, as she, the older, sees me as the twerp kid. This relationship has been very influential in forming who I am. But I have an older sister. The role is filled. I have no need of another, because Abby fit that space in my heart perfectly
I have never had a hard time making friends. At the same time I have never been able to force myself to get to know someone. Every real friendship I have had has not been the result of any desire or intent or even any real effort on my part. They form, as God forms them, blessings to me that I neither deserve nor cultivate, nor really appreciate to the extent I should. Put simply, my good friendships have always been the ones I never sought after.
My personality, however, combined with my inner desire for a sister, has had affects on my friendships. When I get close to a girl, in my mind and heart, I often begin to view her as that sister. Not at all a bad place for a girl in my heart. With some variance, I treat her as I feel I would like to treat a biological sister, though perhaps with less familiarity. The variance occurs based on personality; some girls show, by action and suggestion, that they prefer to be treated differently, and so in order to respect how they were made, I (usually subconsciously) choose to treat them differently, though still as a sister.
This establishment of “sister” status has seen both unintentional and acknowledged applications. With my old friend Rosie, we became close, in spite of her actively disliking the idea of being considered a sister by name. Laura and Anna, on the other hand, broached the idea of connecting as surrogate siblings before I did. Both were strong friendships, though one was classified as “best friends”, and the other as “siblings”. The result, after the variance for the different personalities, was three close friendships, each with a different connection, but all defined by the situation.
Forthwith are the problems of this sort of system. First, the proximity of the friendship is close, but limited by the desire to refrain from romantic connection or pairing off. That being said, each friendship is of equal status. Should God ever direct a deeper relationship, leading to marriage, then a change of status is required for the remaining friendships. Also, this could cause potential problems with jealousy, mixed signals, and mixed messages. This is a situation I experienced firsthand over the summer.
Second, though the establishment of young women as “sisters” prevents attachments that are more than friendship, it does not do so with immaculate consistency. Crushes still can form before the connection as siblings has taken root. And even if it has been established as a brother-sister relationship, it does not preclude the possibility of either party wanting it to become something more, and thus changing the status quo.
Every good friendship I’ve been given, as I said before, has been not of my own work, nor have I ever been able to make a good friendship out of effort. They just happen. Thinking back to a crush, there was a girl I wanted to get to know, but was unable to due to her personality and the circumstances surrounding our friendship. It was a bridge I could not get over. The friendship failed because I tired to make it more than it would have been naturally.
But that itself is the key. Every bad or wrong relationship I have had has been one in which I tired to make the friendship into something I wanted, or tired to manipulate it to get something I wanted. On the other hand, the best friendships I have had were free of my involvement. They weren’t formed by any feelings or desires of my own making.
Both in friendship, but more so in the relationship that will lead to marriage, the same principle will apply. Not something I push for or work for based on any desire, attraction, or emotion, but instead something that develops free of my intervention. So often people form relationships because they like each other. Their desire for the relationship or for each other mutates the natural course that the friendship was meant to take. God is the real author of marriage-love, and only he can stir it up properly. We humans need not intervene.
Of course, for me the one exception that makes this rule a problem is Laura. I never tired to make us anything. To my knowledge and understanding, it just happened, not based on intent or desire almost until the end. Not quite sure how that factors in… Shall I end this blog off with a question?
This week, especially yesterday, has brought some things about my friendship/relationship patterns into a new perspective. This is not in reference to any specific friendship, present or past, but rather about them all. I will mention a few present and past friendships for examples and clarification. This is habit and practice for me, and I could well be wrong in my actions and conclusions. This is merely a statement of explanation for my habits, not an excuse or evasion of any rules or customs of manner. I welcome the thoughts and advice of those, my wiser counterparts.
I have always wanted a little sister. I didn’t always understand this desire, at least not till I was older. I didn’t desire a romantic relationship, just one of care, love, protection, and respect. I guess the reason I wanted a younger sister specifically was for the playfulness and joyful closeness that I felt would come with a younger that would be considered flirting with other girls, and would be awkward to have with guys. But alas, this was never something God saw fit to give. Even without the provision of a biological or legally adopted sister, however, the concept shapes how I approach girls I become close to.
Don’t get my wrong, I have an older sister, and love her and have been close to her most of my life, but she has never been really mine to take care of, as she, the older, sees me as the twerp kid. This relationship has been very influential in forming who I am. But I have an older sister. The role is filled. I have no need of another, because Abby fit that space in my heart perfectly
I have never had a hard time making friends. At the same time I have never been able to force myself to get to know someone. Every real friendship I have had has not been the result of any desire or intent or even any real effort on my part. They form, as God forms them, blessings to me that I neither deserve nor cultivate, nor really appreciate to the extent I should. Put simply, my good friendships have always been the ones I never sought after.
My personality, however, combined with my inner desire for a sister, has had affects on my friendships. When I get close to a girl, in my mind and heart, I often begin to view her as that sister. Not at all a bad place for a girl in my heart. With some variance, I treat her as I feel I would like to treat a biological sister, though perhaps with less familiarity. The variance occurs based on personality; some girls show, by action and suggestion, that they prefer to be treated differently, and so in order to respect how they were made, I (usually subconsciously) choose to treat them differently, though still as a sister.
This establishment of “sister” status has seen both unintentional and acknowledged applications. With my old friend Rosie, we became close, in spite of her actively disliking the idea of being considered a sister by name. Laura and Anna, on the other hand, broached the idea of connecting as surrogate siblings before I did. Both were strong friendships, though one was classified as “best friends”, and the other as “siblings”. The result, after the variance for the different personalities, was three close friendships, each with a different connection, but all defined by the situation.
Forthwith are the problems of this sort of system. First, the proximity of the friendship is close, but limited by the desire to refrain from romantic connection or pairing off. That being said, each friendship is of equal status. Should God ever direct a deeper relationship, leading to marriage, then a change of status is required for the remaining friendships. Also, this could cause potential problems with jealousy, mixed signals, and mixed messages. This is a situation I experienced firsthand over the summer.
Second, though the establishment of young women as “sisters” prevents attachments that are more than friendship, it does not do so with immaculate consistency. Crushes still can form before the connection as siblings has taken root. And even if it has been established as a brother-sister relationship, it does not preclude the possibility of either party wanting it to become something more, and thus changing the status quo.
Every good friendship I’ve been given, as I said before, has been not of my own work, nor have I ever been able to make a good friendship out of effort. They just happen. Thinking back to a crush, there was a girl I wanted to get to know, but was unable to due to her personality and the circumstances surrounding our friendship. It was a bridge I could not get over. The friendship failed because I tired to make it more than it would have been naturally.
But that itself is the key. Every bad or wrong relationship I have had has been one in which I tired to make the friendship into something I wanted, or tired to manipulate it to get something I wanted. On the other hand, the best friendships I have had were free of my involvement. They weren’t formed by any feelings or desires of my own making.
Both in friendship, but more so in the relationship that will lead to marriage, the same principle will apply. Not something I push for or work for based on any desire, attraction, or emotion, but instead something that develops free of my intervention. So often people form relationships because they like each other. Their desire for the relationship or for each other mutates the natural course that the friendship was meant to take. God is the real author of marriage-love, and only he can stir it up properly. We humans need not intervene.
Of course, for me the one exception that makes this rule a problem is Laura. I never tired to make us anything. To my knowledge and understanding, it just happened, not based on intent or desire almost until the end. Not quite sure how that factors in… Shall I end this blog off with a question?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Am I Understood?
Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified
And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood
And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go
You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely
And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified
And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood
And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go
You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely
And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
Friday, September 10, 2010
I Praise God For...
I write letters in a notebook every day. I have since the beginning of 2010. These letters were originally addressed to the young woman I believed I was meant to marry, but recently they have changed from letters to my unknown future wife to letters to God.
As in the rest of life, I find it hard sometimes to express my thoughts when I’m praying verbally, and the opportunity to write my daily life out as a prayer has come more naturally to me than I expected. I call them my “daily letters”.
This is an excerpt from those “daily letters” written on August 31, on the bus ride to Journey to the Heart.
_______________________
On the way there we are supposed to think of ten things we are each thankful for. I don’t think this should be too hard for me.
One. I am thankful for forgiveness and healing. Both forgiveness I’ve been given by my parents, and by you, as well as the releasing healing of forgiving others. I know I still struggle with resentment and grudges, but with you I press on, because you have forgiven me.
Two. I am thankful for heritage. This involves many facets. Primarily among them is my family, namely my parents. The family I was created to be a part of is not perfect, far from it, but my parents have been long suffering, taking your path with faith and grace. I am proud of the parents I’ve been given, as well as the family line they pass to me. From physical traits inherited, to personality traits taught, I love who I am in my family.
Three. I am thankful for nationality. Like with my family it is not a choice of mine where and when I was born. I am and American. My love for this aspect of my heritage is tied to my desire to draw close to you. If I desire to see my nation be great, then I must desire to draw closer to you myself. There is no greater service I can do for my country.
Four. I am thankful for destiny. You, father, have a plan or me than is unique. I have been created by you to fulfill your purpose in a way no one else can. This destiny is all encompassing. It involves my past: who I have been, how I have grown to be what I am not, and what things have happened to make me who I am. I did not make myself. It involves my future; what I'll become. I have faith that you will shape me. You are in control
Five. I am thankful for Verity. Part of becoming who I am supposed to be is here. Though I may disagree with the theology of some of the leadership, I know this is where I am meant to be. You are growing me like a vine. This is your vineyard for me.
Six. I am thankful for SSI. The organization, leadership, and teaching I received over those weeks are a large part of who I am and who I have become. Attending that camp, and working for Mr. Muffett and Mr. Visscher shaped my worldview. Though things have changed for them in some of our eyes, the program is blessed of you. May it continue to be a blessing to other young people.
Seven. I am thankful for my wife. Though I don’t know her face yet, I love her as Christ loves the church. I want to lift her up to you always. I am thankful for her grace and love for me. For her heard and mind. I am especially thankful doe her because, more than any other person in my life, she will have shown me greatest forgiveness by accepting me in spite of the many times and ways I have already been unfaithful to her. She is your give to me, and I praise you for the beauty that she is.
Eight. I am thankful for fellowship. The people you have brought into my live and taken away. They have all impacted me, in ways both known and unknown. I am thankful for David Auge, my roommate, who I appreciate and care for. He challenges me and helps me through those challenges. I could not ask for someone better as a roommate. Peter Rupp, Tyler, Josh Austhof, Jordan, Josh Ingersol; Cameron, Alex, Elisa, Kayla, Sarah and Gem. Brent back home who has been stead and faithful, holding me accountable and always being reliable. So many more friends I could name. Bless them all in your care.
Nine. I am thankful for the physical gifts I’ve been given. Nothing I own is from my own hands. From my computer, to my car. My camera, swords, I-Pods, pocket watch, knives, fountain pen, and notebook… the list goes on. These gifts I hold dear; you have blessed them. Many times they should have failed , broken, died, or been lost, yet you sustained them to me. You have been faithful to me thru them beyond what I deserve.
Ten. I am thankful for my life. All these things I have listed are not of my doing. They are memories and blessings. Gifts of favor from you, Almighty father.
As in the rest of life, I find it hard sometimes to express my thoughts when I’m praying verbally, and the opportunity to write my daily life out as a prayer has come more naturally to me than I expected. I call them my “daily letters”.
This is an excerpt from those “daily letters” written on August 31, on the bus ride to Journey to the Heart.
_______________________
On the way there we are supposed to think of ten things we are each thankful for. I don’t think this should be too hard for me.
One. I am thankful for forgiveness and healing. Both forgiveness I’ve been given by my parents, and by you, as well as the releasing healing of forgiving others. I know I still struggle with resentment and grudges, but with you I press on, because you have forgiven me.
Two. I am thankful for heritage. This involves many facets. Primarily among them is my family, namely my parents. The family I was created to be a part of is not perfect, far from it, but my parents have been long suffering, taking your path with faith and grace. I am proud of the parents I’ve been given, as well as the family line they pass to me. From physical traits inherited, to personality traits taught, I love who I am in my family.
Three. I am thankful for nationality. Like with my family it is not a choice of mine where and when I was born. I am and American. My love for this aspect of my heritage is tied to my desire to draw close to you. If I desire to see my nation be great, then I must desire to draw closer to you myself. There is no greater service I can do for my country.
Four. I am thankful for destiny. You, father, have a plan or me than is unique. I have been created by you to fulfill your purpose in a way no one else can. This destiny is all encompassing. It involves my past: who I have been, how I have grown to be what I am not, and what things have happened to make me who I am. I did not make myself. It involves my future; what I'll become. I have faith that you will shape me. You are in control
Five. I am thankful for Verity. Part of becoming who I am supposed to be is here. Though I may disagree with the theology of some of the leadership, I know this is where I am meant to be. You are growing me like a vine. This is your vineyard for me.
Six. I am thankful for SSI. The organization, leadership, and teaching I received over those weeks are a large part of who I am and who I have become. Attending that camp, and working for Mr. Muffett and Mr. Visscher shaped my worldview. Though things have changed for them in some of our eyes, the program is blessed of you. May it continue to be a blessing to other young people.
Seven. I am thankful for my wife. Though I don’t know her face yet, I love her as Christ loves the church. I want to lift her up to you always. I am thankful for her grace and love for me. For her heard and mind. I am especially thankful doe her because, more than any other person in my life, she will have shown me greatest forgiveness by accepting me in spite of the many times and ways I have already been unfaithful to her. She is your give to me, and I praise you for the beauty that she is.
Eight. I am thankful for fellowship. The people you have brought into my live and taken away. They have all impacted me, in ways both known and unknown. I am thankful for David Auge, my roommate, who I appreciate and care for. He challenges me and helps me through those challenges. I could not ask for someone better as a roommate. Peter Rupp, Tyler, Josh Austhof, Jordan, Josh Ingersol; Cameron, Alex, Elisa, Kayla, Sarah and Gem. Brent back home who has been stead and faithful, holding me accountable and always being reliable. So many more friends I could name. Bless them all in your care.
Nine. I am thankful for the physical gifts I’ve been given. Nothing I own is from my own hands. From my computer, to my car. My camera, swords, I-Pods, pocket watch, knives, fountain pen, and notebook… the list goes on. These gifts I hold dear; you have blessed them. Many times they should have failed , broken, died, or been lost, yet you sustained them to me. You have been faithful to me thru them beyond what I deserve.
Ten. I am thankful for my life. All these things I have listed are not of my doing. They are memories and blessings. Gifts of favor from you, Almighty father.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I praise God because i drove a Saturn
I'll be the first to admit that I have a lot of growing to do. There are a lot of flaws in my character that I just cannot accept, but change comes slowly to me. My memory is poor, I never explain something the same way twice, and I speak from my emotions. These three flaws all factor together, and have led people to think that I am two sided, or that I lie. Perhaps in effect I do lie, but that is never my intent, nor do I even realize I do it. I forget details that others find important, and when I do remember them, I wont remember them necessarily in context or in a consistent manner. I can say one thing to one person in a good mood, and the same thing to another person in a bad mood, and because I speak from my emotions, the two people can see a very different result of what is, to me, a consistent concept. If that makes me untrustworthy, then I will admit to it. These factors are the character flaws that, when combined with selfish fear of losing people and a kind of masochistic self preservation, are the cause of failed friendships.
In spite of these immaturities, I have felt ready to move on with my life for more than four years now. Whether I truly was ready to take the next step in my life or not is questionable, but the point remains, I have wanted to be in college, and even more so out of college since before the time I turned sixteen. My high school years were spent reaching out for higher education opportunities. College is what I wanted and what I sought after. But more than that I wanted to get beyond college. The end goal was to begin my “adult life” with careers, family, house, etc. College was, and still is, merely a step towards what I really feel drawn to.
I started looking at small colleges, like Bryan, Huntington, And GLCC, until at a Home school Conference, Patrick Henry Came across my view. In my mind PHC was not a “small college” but rather a college for people who shared my specific dreams in a very real way. I applied when I was seventeen, was accepted, and began distance classes in January of 2008.
Patrick Henry appeared perfect for me: an intense academic program for the civic-minded Judeo-Christian young person. The professors were experts in fields I still love; and students are often placed into jobs and internships while in school that are specifically oriented to jumpstart the sort of career I feel called into. It fit so well.
I was almost sure that PHC was where God wanted me. I became attached to the idea of being there. When God closed that door, it hurt. It had felt so right for me to be there, and suddenly the dream I had formed and become attached to was torn away. Less than a year later, after forming a similar, stronger attachment to Hillsdale college, which suited my desires even better than PHC, a door was again closed in my face, and what I had grow to believe were Gods plans for me stung.
While both Hillsdale and PHC had suited certain desires and needs, neither was perfect for me. I had been willing to accept that. Alas, in my vision, because those paths had seemed so right at the time, I had forgotten what parts of my heart they wouldn’t have fulfilled. I had accepted that College would take a long time while dragging my in dept in the process.
With a broken spirit, shortly after turning nineteen and with the feeling of hopelessness after wasting two years on dead ends, my mother mentioned Verity in passing in the beginning of December 2009. Literally overnight, all the necessary plans fell into place, and by January 4, 2010.
While PHC and Hillsdale had provided opportunities and seemed right, they were not going to fulfill the true desires I had for college, ones that I had not taken seriously. From the pain of having two good looking doors closed in my face, God brought me to a place that fulfilled not only the need for college, but the desire to move forward faster towards my adult life; towards the next step.
My parents bought me a car to go down to Verity. A Saturn L300. It would be my first car. I had driven another car regularly, but the Buick was a hand me down from other people we knew. It had been my car, but it wasn’t brought into our family for me. There was something about the nature of the Saturn, the reason it had been purchased, that made it feel personal. I fell in love with that car very quickly. It was mine. It suited me, it drove the way I liked to drive, and it looked wonderful.
There as been a small dream in me since I was old enough to understand what cars were what. I think most guys have a dream like this. I never wanted a Ferrari or a Mercedes, or even a Mustang. Those seemed too much car for me. I wanted something that was moderately powerful, looked good, but was simpler than other sports cars, and something I could put a little work into over time. A Camero was often the image I carried in my mind.
Understand, I am not a car person. I was happy with an old Buick. I don’t really care in the end what I drive, as long as it is reliable. When I say I wanted a car, it was never something I really took seriously. It was a passing fancy and a desire I could have lived my life without.
I really loved my Saturn, for whatever reason. When it died, probably because of my own poor automotive conduct, I was really upset. Admittedly a lot had been going wrong that week, and the death of something I had become attached to hit me harder than I was ready for. Something God had given, and I had been so grateful for was removed forcibly from my life and I couldn’t do anything about it.
But God was good. I had needed something; a new vehicle. Not only did God provide me with what I needed, but He also remembered that little, insignificant, meaningless desire that I had had somewhere in the back of my heart. My Firebird is not new, but the engine inside of it is. It needs work in small areas that can be done over time. It runs beautifully, but has the power to be imposing on the road. It isn’t only what I needed, but its what I wanted.
From the ashes of pain God has brought me more than I had needed. God is my protector; why should I be afraid of pain when I know that he has something better on the other side. God is my provider; He satisfies my needs and wants in the best possible way. God is my father; He indulges my pointless wishes in ways I can’t imagine.
I am not afraid of whatever hardships come to me in the future. Every struggle in my life so far has brought me more joy on the other side, both in small ways and in big ways.
When something I love is taken away from me, it still hurts, but God is on the other side waiting with something better. The exiting part is seeing how He will bring about his blessings. Without the pain of loss, the joy of blessings cannot come. No matter what I lose, He will grant more. If more hardships and losses are to come for me, then I will accept them and grow; for my god is greater.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world!” –Jesus, John 16:33
In spite of these immaturities, I have felt ready to move on with my life for more than four years now. Whether I truly was ready to take the next step in my life or not is questionable, but the point remains, I have wanted to be in college, and even more so out of college since before the time I turned sixteen. My high school years were spent reaching out for higher education opportunities. College is what I wanted and what I sought after. But more than that I wanted to get beyond college. The end goal was to begin my “adult life” with careers, family, house, etc. College was, and still is, merely a step towards what I really feel drawn to.
I started looking at small colleges, like Bryan, Huntington, And GLCC, until at a Home school Conference, Patrick Henry Came across my view. In my mind PHC was not a “small college” but rather a college for people who shared my specific dreams in a very real way. I applied when I was seventeen, was accepted, and began distance classes in January of 2008.
Patrick Henry appeared perfect for me: an intense academic program for the civic-minded Judeo-Christian young person. The professors were experts in fields I still love; and students are often placed into jobs and internships while in school that are specifically oriented to jumpstart the sort of career I feel called into. It fit so well.
I was almost sure that PHC was where God wanted me. I became attached to the idea of being there. When God closed that door, it hurt. It had felt so right for me to be there, and suddenly the dream I had formed and become attached to was torn away. Less than a year later, after forming a similar, stronger attachment to Hillsdale college, which suited my desires even better than PHC, a door was again closed in my face, and what I had grow to believe were Gods plans for me stung.
While both Hillsdale and PHC had suited certain desires and needs, neither was perfect for me. I had been willing to accept that. Alas, in my vision, because those paths had seemed so right at the time, I had forgotten what parts of my heart they wouldn’t have fulfilled. I had accepted that College would take a long time while dragging my in dept in the process.
With a broken spirit, shortly after turning nineteen and with the feeling of hopelessness after wasting two years on dead ends, my mother mentioned Verity in passing in the beginning of December 2009. Literally overnight, all the necessary plans fell into place, and by January 4, 2010.
While PHC and Hillsdale had provided opportunities and seemed right, they were not going to fulfill the true desires I had for college, ones that I had not taken seriously. From the pain of having two good looking doors closed in my face, God brought me to a place that fulfilled not only the need for college, but the desire to move forward faster towards my adult life; towards the next step.
My parents bought me a car to go down to Verity. A Saturn L300. It would be my first car. I had driven another car regularly, but the Buick was a hand me down from other people we knew. It had been my car, but it wasn’t brought into our family for me. There was something about the nature of the Saturn, the reason it had been purchased, that made it feel personal. I fell in love with that car very quickly. It was mine. It suited me, it drove the way I liked to drive, and it looked wonderful.
There as been a small dream in me since I was old enough to understand what cars were what. I think most guys have a dream like this. I never wanted a Ferrari or a Mercedes, or even a Mustang. Those seemed too much car for me. I wanted something that was moderately powerful, looked good, but was simpler than other sports cars, and something I could put a little work into over time. A Camero was often the image I carried in my mind.
Understand, I am not a car person. I was happy with an old Buick. I don’t really care in the end what I drive, as long as it is reliable. When I say I wanted a car, it was never something I really took seriously. It was a passing fancy and a desire I could have lived my life without.
I really loved my Saturn, for whatever reason. When it died, probably because of my own poor automotive conduct, I was really upset. Admittedly a lot had been going wrong that week, and the death of something I had become attached to hit me harder than I was ready for. Something God had given, and I had been so grateful for was removed forcibly from my life and I couldn’t do anything about it.
But God was good. I had needed something; a new vehicle. Not only did God provide me with what I needed, but He also remembered that little, insignificant, meaningless desire that I had had somewhere in the back of my heart. My Firebird is not new, but the engine inside of it is. It needs work in small areas that can be done over time. It runs beautifully, but has the power to be imposing on the road. It isn’t only what I needed, but its what I wanted.
From the ashes of pain God has brought me more than I had needed. God is my protector; why should I be afraid of pain when I know that he has something better on the other side. God is my provider; He satisfies my needs and wants in the best possible way. God is my father; He indulges my pointless wishes in ways I can’t imagine.
I am not afraid of whatever hardships come to me in the future. Every struggle in my life so far has brought me more joy on the other side, both in small ways and in big ways.
When something I love is taken away from me, it still hurts, but God is on the other side waiting with something better. The exiting part is seeing how He will bring about his blessings. Without the pain of loss, the joy of blessings cannot come. No matter what I lose, He will grant more. If more hardships and losses are to come for me, then I will accept them and grow; for my god is greater.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world!” –Jesus, John 16:33
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Table (re)Classified
Rosee: Merilwen Skye
Animal: Bunny
Color: Brown
:
Superpower: Zero Point Energy
Josh: Tarburz - Edraith
Animal: Golden Retriever
Color: Blue
Super Power: Ability Empath
Amanda: Melda
Animal: Kitten
Color: Purple
Superpower: Force Fields/ Invisibility
Donny: Donathon
Animal: Hamster
Color: Green
Super Power: Perfect Memory
Zeke: Xenath
Animal: Wallaby
Color: Grey
Super Power: Emotion Channeling
Nathan: EruAntien
Animal: Wild Horse
Color: Red
Super Power: Total Body Mastery
Animal: Bunny
Color: Brown
:
Superpower: Zero Point Energy
Josh: Tarburz - Edraith
Animal: Golden Retriever
Color: Blue
Super Power: Ability Empath
Amanda: Melda
Animal: Kitten
Color: Purple
Superpower: Force Fields/ Invisibility
Donny: Donathon
Animal: Hamster
Color: Green
Super Power: Perfect Memory
Zeke: Xenath
Animal: Wallaby
Color: Grey
Super Power: Emotion Channeling
Nathan: EruAntien
Animal: Wild Horse
Color: Red
Super Power: Total Body Mastery
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